A few months ago, I got into an interesting discussion with some friends who are getting married. When we started discussing the financial arrangements, they revealed that their parents would be footing over 90% of the bill and all they would have to pay for is the honeymoon. Intrigued by that admission, I told them my theory behind paying for weddings.
If you’re a big enough grown up to get married, then you should be a big enough grown up to pay for it.
As we grow from adolescents to adults, we throw off the shackles of our parents for more freedom and independence. Some of us go away to college, some of us move into our own apartments, while others continue living at home but enjoy the freedom of not having a curfew. That’s part of the journey to adulthood.
The journey doesn’t stop there. Eventually we get careers and fall in love and get married. (although, increasingly couples are choosing not to bother with the marriage thing) Once it comes time for the wedding, many couples turn back into adolescents, assuming their parents will bear the brunt of the cost. And that’s not right.
Nobody is forcing anyone to get married. And unless you’re super religious, nobody is going to judge you for just moving in together. It’s a choice made by two free willed adults. Which is why it should be solely the responsibility of those two adults to pay for it.
Financially speaking, a wedding is a giant waste of money. At their best, wedding are a largely meaningless ceremony which creates a false expectation of marriage being a magical union of heavenly bliss for a lifetime. At their worst you get bridezillas and people who get pissed off because their presents aren’t good enough.
The worst part about having parents pay for a wedding is the fact that there are people getting married without having their you know what together. While I believe any two consensual adults should have the right to get married, those two adults have no right to expect someone else to finance their life choices.
That’s what it comes down to for me, personal responsibility. If you’re an adult, it’s time to start acting like one. Adults deal with their own problems. Adults don’t do things unless they can afford them. And adults don’t expect their parents to pay for their life luxuries.
So folks, if you feel the need to get married, then you better start saving for it now. Imagine the pride parents would feel if their daughter told them “don’t worry about the money guys. Just show up.” Instead we get people like my friends, who are dependent on someone else’s finances to get married.
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Hey there… I saw this article through the COPF. It’s an interesting topic.. my thoughts are:
The process of actually getting married is very cheap – just get a marriage license at City Hall. A wedding can be as expensive or as cheap as you want it, depending on what elements are “musts” in the wedding.
I see nothing wrong with accepting money from your parents if they are financially able and willing to give. I have friends who accepted money offered from their families, and I don’t think they are any less of adults than anyone who insisted on paying their own way.
I don’t plan on spending a ton on my wedding (would rather have a trip instead), but I think it’s wrong to paint all weddings with such a broad stroke: “Financially speaking, a wedding is a giant waste of money. At their best, wedding are a largely meaningless ceremony which creates a false expectation of marriage being a magical union of heavenly bliss for a lifetime.”
All ceremonies (funerals, baptisms, graduations, milestone birthday parties) have meaning – we humans wouldn’t have them if they didn’t! I agree with you that we shouldn’t jeopardize our financial futures for the purpose of putting on ceremonies, but that’s not the same as saying that ceremonies are inherently meaningless.
And I don’t know, I just thought weddings are a lovely event that formalizes two people’s legal, economic, and romantic bonds to one another, witnessed by the people whom they love and who loves them. A wedding is the beginning of marriage, which can be as down-to-earth or as unrealistic as you want to make it.
Hey, thanks for the comment and sorry I’m taking so long to respond. Nice work on the Carnival.
I would hope that by the time we become adults we’re willing to pay our own way in our lives. Unfortunately, many parents subsidize a lifestyle for their kids when perhaps the better life lesson would be for the kids to go without. However, these are just my opinions and from looking around I’m definitely in the minority when it comes to this.
As for the controversial statement about weddings being a giant waste of money… Yeah, I mostly put that in there to get people excited. Saying that though:
a) From a purely financial perspective, what a terrible thing to spend money on. Please notice I said from a purely financial perspective.
b) I do think people put way too high of expectations of a wedding changing their lives, but I’m not married so take that opinion with a grain of salt.
Perhaps I’m cynical about weddings because I’m at the age where the people who I knew in high school who got married early are now beginning to divorce. Or maybe I look at something that only has a 50/50 chance of working out as a pretty silly thing to do. Would you walk across the street if you had a 50% chance of getting hit by a car? I wouldn’t, but maybe I’m a giant wuss.
Anyway, the moral of the story is apparently I hate weddings. And I have two to go to this summer. Rats.
Are weddings so bad to go to as a single guy who doesn’t have to pay for any of it? I’d have thought that was the fun way to attend a wedding.
Yes. I don’t like parties, so imagine my displeasure in having to pay to attend one.
[...] consumer debt on everyone’s personal balance sheet, parents are expected to foot the bill. I see something wrong with that as well. Parents are expected to foot the bill and buy a really nice present? Am I the only one who expects [...]
And if you want to get married but you’re broke… two witnesses, a hundred bucks and a pretty dress also does the job. Have the big partay at a later date when you can actually pay for it!
I agree wholeheartedly.
I’m cynical about weddings too, mostly because I worked for a couple of large hotel properties that have wedding venues. I always said that when I got married I’d go straight to the courthouse and skip the drama. After years of seeing petty family fights over things like napkins and lighting, I became pretty jaded.
BUT, now that I’m engaged, I have to admit I’ve changed my tune just a little. I’ve actually discovered that I like the idea of hosting a nice party for the intimate group of family and friends that have been so generous and loving with me over the years. We’re trying to keep the focus on the commitment we’re making and planning things so that people come away from the wedding with some nice memories and an understanding of how grateful we are for them.
The wedding industry is out of control, in part thanks to the glamorization of the party, shopping for a dress, getting fancy gifts, etc. You can’t change the channel without coming across a show about ‘platinum weddings’ or ‘say yes to the dress’. To my utter horror, I recently saw a show where brides were competing for a honeymoon with other brides by attending each other’s weddings and rating them. Ugh.
When we got engaged, neither of us even mentioned finances to our parents. We assumed we would pay for whatever type of wedding we decided to have. On their own, each set of parents came to us and told us they wanted to give us money to use in any way we saw fit. We could save it, use it towards a downpayment on a home, take a vacation, have a wedding, whatever. So, we’ll be using some of those funds and some of our own to host the intimate wedding I mentioned. I think it’s a satisfying way for us to spend some of our money. But we’ve chosen a wedding we can afford, not one that we’ll be paying off for years to come.
Anything that you can’t afford or fit into your budget is a ‘terrible’ thing to spend money on – cars, jewelry, eating out, boats, and yes, even some weddings.
Thanks for the massive comment Sally. If everybody had the attitude you do about weddings and such, there’d be far less bridezillas for sure.
Parents should be able to give whatever they want to the couple. I just don’t think the expectation should be in place for the parents to pay.
[...] so many cash strapped couples before you. Well, I have two arguments against that. First off, if you can’t pay for it yourself, you can’t afford to get married. And secondly, I enjoy the irony of smart, career driven [...]
[...] at Financial Uproar wrote this spot-on post about weddings: (A) wedding is a giant waste of money. At their best, [...]