Wedding Gifts: Why Do You Expect People To Finance Your Life?

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Jun 222010
 

As I’ve mentioned before, I have some friends that are getting married soon. In about a month I’ll be heading to the wasteland of Saskatchewan to be one of the groomsmen. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Saskatchewan? My iPhone doesn’t even work there.

The bride to be recently had her bridal shower. I don’t know the details about how many people showed up, I did see the pile of gifts in their living room. That pile was massive! If I were to guess, she received around 100 gifts for her bridal shower, including some from people who she only passingly knew. This kind of blew my mind, but I was reassured this was common for bridal showers from small towns, so I went with it.

As far as I’m concerned, the wedding has almost become secondary to the amount of stuff the couple gets as a byproduct of the event. My friends have high ticket requests on their registry- things like a new barbeque and a new TV, items that stretch into the high hundreds or thousands of dollars. For me, I feel that I have no right to ask my friends and relatives to buy these items for me. I don’t have any right to ask them to buy anything for me.

I can’t really get mad at them about this. They’re not bad people, nor are they greedy bastards. They’re simply doing what society deems acceptable. Everybody else does it, why shouldn’t they?

I haven’t seen any statistics, (and if you have any, please pass them along) but I’d argue that the vast majority of couples don’t pay for their wedding. They may pay a portion, but with increasing amounts of student loan and consumer debt on everyone’s personal balance sheet, parents are expected to foot the bill. I see something wrong with that as well. Parents are expected to foot the bill and buy a really nice present? Am I the only one who expects to pay for my own wedding?

The argument about wedding presents is that couples need stuff to start their new lives together. That argument is hogwash. The vast majority of couples wait until at least their mid 20s to get married, with more and more waiting until their late 20s or early 30s. These people should already have most of the stuff they need to live comfortable lives. They just want better stuff. If you want better stuff, work for it! Or here’s an idea- do without.

As a society, I feel we’re really obsessed with stuff. Besides a nice new TV being better to watch, it also serves as a status symbol. It’s the same thing with nice furniture, a big house or a luxurious car. As personal finance geeks, we realize that these items take us further from where we want to be. So we either shun them completely or buy them in moderation. While we’d all agree with this, we’re still in the minority when it comes to this stuff. That’s why this phenomenon is hardly going away soon.

One last point:  if you’re a soon to be married person or a single, maybe at your wedding you’d like to politely request people don’t bring any gifts. Or you could ask for donations toward a charity that you feel strongly about. Something positive could come from your dream day. Or you could get a new blender that you’ll use twice.

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 Posted by Nelson Smith at 9:31 am
  • http://www.twitter.com/DanGazarek Dan Gazarek

    Nice article, it’s so true!

    I expect to pay for my own wedding, whenever that comes, but from people I know, you and I are the minority.

    The worst part about it, I find, is that couples put things on the registry, that they themselves wouldn’t buy! I say, unless you can afford it or would buy it yourself anyways, don’t even bother to ask for it.

    I went to a wedding last year and dropped $65 for a salad bowl. Additionally, me being me, I bought them a copy of “Smart Couples Finish Rich” by David Bach. Unfortunately, I just heard that the couple has since separated. I am just hoping that they can work out their differences and celebrate with a nice big greek or cesar.

    • admin

      I’ve already bought this couple a wedding present- a $50 gift card and a copy of The Wealthy Barber. It appears we’re both that guy who insists on giving a gift like that!

      I totally agree with the point about stuff on the registry that the couple wouldn’t buy. It’s the same thing when they have a perfectly good whatever, but add it to the registry anyway because they feel the need to have so much stuff on the registry.

      If only all our girl problems could be solved with salad…

  • http://www.fuzzyspecialists.com/blog Fuzzy

    I just recently got married. I had a relatively small wedding and between my wife and I we paid for about 98% of the wedding; we needed a little help with some last minute issues that came up. We were not expecting any presents and were forced by our friends to create a registry a week before the wedding. The items we placed on our registry were all under $100 and were primarily items for the kitchen we had given to a younger couple who were starting out and needed them more then we did but still find the occasional use for. On the day of our wedding we recieved one item from the registry (a set of pyrex dishes), a few pampered chef items (from my sister who sells pampered chef) and about $150 in cash and gift cards. All of that was much more then we were expecting, a few of our coworkers pooled together and gave us the blender from our registry the week after our wedding when we got back to work; our old blender stopped working from much use and abuse.

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  • Elizabeth Nichols

    Since I didn't get married until my mid 30s and my parents were on a fixed income, my husband and I paid for our wedding. I enjoyed reading your blog. It was a real eye-opener. When I completed my wedding registry I made sure I needed and would use everything I listed. I did enjoy getting many wedding presents I've always wanted but couldn't justify getting.

  • Lizzy

    Thanks for your much-needed sanity.

    A registry only makes sense (and avoids vulgarity) if you use it as it was first intended: a guide for people who want help choosing something you will like and use. It should never be mentioned to guests unless specifically inquired after so it should never feel like instructions for gift-giving or a mandate. It is wise to consider the resources of all your guests and include a range of things from the modest to the not-so-modest, so everyone has the comfort of being able to give you something you're sure to love without stretching themselves.

    My fiance and I were fully prepared to pay for our own wedding until my parents stepped in and insisted on taking care of it for us. They felt it was incumbent on them, and an expression of their love and support for our marriage.

    Of course, it IS much easier for parents to DO that when "wedding" doesn't mean "Three Ring Circus" and "Crippling Lifelong Debt". It's no WONDER people thing they need four or even eight people to chip in these days when the whole event has become such a bloated monstrosity.

    One last note on your closing point. The thought is in the right place, but unfortunately there is no 'polite' way to tell people you don't want presents. It either communicates, however much you'd like it not to, that you EXPECTED presents as a matter of course, or it suggests you'd rather not have what they may have already chosen for you. Either way, it puts your guests in the very awkward position of second-guessing you.

    If you're not convinced, let me just add that IT NEVER WORKS. You WILL GET presents from people in any case, and the only difference will be that they feel unhappy and confused about it instead of excited.

    Gifts are not something you can plan to get or not get. If they were, they'd be called something else. Just count yourself lucky if you're blessed to have people in your life who want to celebrate you by giving you a present.

   
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