I used to think I was a pretty good guy. I’m gainfully employed. I’m financially responsible. I’m nice to both my parents and strangers. When someone asks for directions, I usually tell them the right way. I have never drowned a puppy or had a one night stand and not respected the girl in the morning. I’m hardly superman, but I liked to think I was at least above average.

All that changed when I realized the one thing wrong with me: I have satellite TV. And, I spend time watching it. Sometimes, I even spend hours watching it. I know, I can’t even believe I said that. I feel so ashamed.

“Why would I want to watch TV” says everyone who has cut out cable “when I could be doing something productive instead?” Of course they’re right. Did you know Einstein didn’t have cable? And look how much he accomplished.

“Since I cut out cable, I’ve accomplished so much” continued Everyone. “I’ve learned Mandarin, French, Hindi, Pig Latin and Klingon. I’ve also read 8,324 books, consistently practised meditation, read the entire works of Ralph Waldo Emerson, learned how to repair antique sewing machines, started four sideline businesses, joined both a pottery and a salsa dancing class and learned how to tame wild pigmy rats.” With a self righteous sneer they added “what have you accomplished? I bet it’s less than me.”

“Now I’m so much more enlightened than when I spent hours in front of the boob tube. I set a goal to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, and lo and behold, I accomplished it last year. Then, once I was done, I climbed it again- but this time blindfolded AND backwards. Nothing is impossible when you give up the anchor of cable TV.”

Everyone continued “When our family eats dinner, we only do so at the dinner table. Did you know that some families eat their dinner in front of the TV? That’s just poor parenting. When we have dinner, we actually TALK to each other. I ask my children how their day was, instead of just plunking them down in front of the TV. There’s no way you can love or pay attention to your children if the TV is on.”

“Have you seen the crap they have on TV these days?” asked Everyone. “I would know, I don’t watch it.”

When pressed though, Everyone will almost always admit to having a Netflix membership. Or, Everyone will have a series or two that they will buy entire seasons of. Naturally, this is a much better way to watch TV.

“When I watch a series or movie on Netflix or a DVD, I’m not just sitting down and watching something mindless” said Everyone. “I’m purposefully watching TV. That’s so much better than the way you watch TV. Plus, I don’t see any ads. If it wasn’t for ads, our society would be in a whole lot better shape. That’s why I don’t let my kids get exposed to them.”

“In fact” said Everyone, “scientific evidence has proven that people who don’t have cable are more attractive and have more sex than those who do. Well, at least some guy with a frugality blog said so. It’s on the internet, which is so much better than TV. So yeah, I think you’ll want to get rid of your cable.”

I wasn’t aware of this, but not having a TV actually makes children smarter. “My 5 year old reads at a 10th grade level:” bragged Everyone. “You know why? Because she’s not pissing her life away watching stupid cartoons. She’s productive, unlike those other kids.”

I’m just glad I was able to tell you guys in time, before you wasted any more of your time on satellite TV or cable. Now that you’ve given it up, how pretentious of a douche will you become?

Tell everyone, yo!