Even though the economy has recovered from the 2009 lows, it’s not exactly sunshine and rainbows out there. Job numbers are getting better, but there are still a lot of people who are either underemployed or haven’t found a job yet. Competition for new jobs is still fierce, and standing out at work has become harder than ever. If you don’t perform, the company can easily replace you with one of the many people looking.

Getting ahead at work is relatively easy, providing that the employee is willing to put in the effort. Showing up early and staying late is a good start. Working harder than everyone else is a must too. No long coffee breaks or conversations at the water cooler for you. As the saying goes, you’ve got to dress for the position you want, rather than the one you have. You’ll probably have to miss little Johnny’s t-ball game on Saturday, since you’ll be at the office putting the finishing touches on some project. All the hard work will be worth it though, once you get that elusive promotion and the raise that comes with it.

There’s just one little problem with working harder than everyone else. It’s hard. It’s, like, really hard. I try to avoid hard work just for that reason. Staying late sucks, especially when you’d rather be doing, well, anything really.

Hard work is for suckers. Here are 5 ways for the lazy person to get ahead at work.

Kiss Lots Of Keester

The first trick is the oldest trick in the book. Plant your lips squarely on your boss’ ass and don’t pull away until you’re promoted.

Compliment your boss on anything and everything. Tell him how great his new tie looks. Comment on her weight loss, even when it’s obvious she hasn’t lost a pound. Don’t just stop at your immediate supervisor either. Your boss’ boss should be an equal candidate for brown nosing.

You’ll have to be careful in doing this though, since nobody likes a kiss ass. The secret is to not come on too strong sucking up. That’s why you have to spread the love around. If you suck up to 3 or 4 supervisors, then you won’t overwhelm just 1 of them with your incessant brown nosing.

Your co-workers will not care for your sucking up. Ignore this, since you’ll soon be their boss. Once you are, feel free to laugh at them from atop your metaphorical perch.

Blackmail

Blackmail has been a staple for the vigorous young go-getter for many a year, and is something everyone should consider adding to their career skills.

A smartphone with a decent camera is a must for the would-be blackmailer. You don’t want to be caught unprepared when the magical time comes, so be ready for the opportunity.

The company Christmas party is usually the best opportunity to catch someone doing something stupid, so you’ll want to be ready. Encourage your boss to drink large amounts of alcohol, and be at the ready for when they inevitably hit on the cute blond from accounting.

Or, you could become friends with your boss and hang out with him outside of work. I’d again suggest too much alcohol for the occasion, and then let your imagination run with it. I’d say drugs and hookers are musts for the occasion. Just have that camera phone ready to catch the magic.

Date The CEO’s Kid

You don’t have to aim as high as the CEO, but aim high if you’re going to try this one. At least a vice president of something, possibly higher if you can pull it off. The janitor’s daughter may be hot, but she’s not going to get you that corner office.

Hopefully the opportunity to meet the boss’ hot daughter comes up during your sucking up, but it might not, so you’ve gotta be prepared.

Tread lightly when you finally get the chance. You DO NOT want to get her drunk and sleep with her. That would be quite bad. You have to take it slow, treat her with the utmost respect. You want her to tell Daddy what a great guy you are.

Of course, this plan comes with one major downfall. What happens if you have to break up with the boss’ kid? You can handle that situation as gently as possible, and still have it blow up in your face. Hopefully you’ve gotten your promotion by then, or else you’re screwed.

Sleep With Your Boss

This suggestion will be much more effective if you’re a lady, since we all know guys are suckers for a girl in a tight top.

Again, the higher you can place your target, the better off you’ll be with this strategy. Ladies will have an abundance of targets, while the fellas will probably be limited to one or two women in upper management.

Most likely, your target will be married. You’ll have to just put your morals aside, we’re trying to move up the corporate ladder here! Or, find someone newly divorced. Recent divorcees are usually up for anything to cure their crippling loneliness.

Make Other People Quit

Look, I don’t care how you do it. You can focus all your attention to one guy. Or, you can be passive aggressive to everybody. The key to the strategy though, is to do NOTHING that can be traced back to you.

Maybe your adversary is very particular about the way his desk is arranged. Your job is to screw things up just enough that he gets irritated, without getting caught. Take credit for any achievement you can, especially during a group effort. Browse weird porn on his computer, then inform HR about your co-worker’s kinky fetish. Call his house at two in the morning from a payphone and mumble about the damn Belgians. Imagination is your friend with this plan.

There you have it. 5 ways to get ahead at work without going to any extra effort. Well, uh, except for the effort put into any of these plans. Crap. Maybe you’ll just have to work hard.

 

Tell everyone, yo!