Over a year ago, I did a post making fun of Community Chest cards from the board game Monopoly. I promised part 2, which was a look at Chance cards, the next day. Now, 401 days later, you’re getting what I promised. If you’ve been around the blog long enough to remember part 1, kudos to you for not having a life.
Even though the game was made in the 1930s, some of these cards are really crappy, even for 1930s standards, and I’m not just talking about the dollar amounts. Some of these cards just wouldn’t jive in real life. Without further adieu, let’s have a look. Oh, and this is for the original version of the game, not for the approximately 1,352 different themed editions of Monopoly.
1. Go back 3 spaces
What’s up with this card? I don’t know about you, but I’ve never experienced a random guy with a cane grabbing my neck and jerking me backwards. Hell, I’d sue him for all he’s worth just for the whiplash alone, since I’m a nice guy like that. Lawyers on stun!
When I used to play Monopoly, I always used to land on the Chance right after free parking, and I’d get this card at least 3 times per game, sending me back to New York Avenue, which I never owned because I leveraged the farm to own Park Place and Boardwalk. Meanwhile, my Dad would buy Baltic Avenue and the railroads and slaughter everybody.
2. Pay Poor Tax Of $15
I’ve always been confused with this card. Is this a tax paid by poor people for being poor? Or is it a tax on the rich to help poor people? I’m guessing it’s the second option.
I know we’re talking 1930s numbers, but $15 is a pretty crummy tax to help the poor. What’s it going towards? Are we just giving a half a dozen poor people some breakfast before they go home to their trailers, freeing up money that they can later spend on smokes? Or are we spending that $15 on something that’ll actually help them, like… Well, I got nothing, probably because the tax is only $15.
Check out the picture on the card. Rich uncle Pennybags has his pockets turned inside out, a sad expression on his face and his open hands at his side. He’s sure trying hard to pretend like he doesn’t have the cash to cover such a ridiculous tax. Nice try buddy. His name is RICH UNCLE PENNYBAGS. I’m pretty sure he’s good for it.
3. Take a walk on the boardwalk. Advance token to Boardwalk
While I could complain about the ridiculousness of drawing a card and being forced to do whatever it tells you, I’m instead going to take the opportunity to whine about the luxury tax square on the board.
You know which one I’m talking about. It’s located right between Park Place and Boardwalk, and it sets you back $75 every time you land on it. That might be the worst square on the whole board. That would be the day I would even hang around the ritzy part of town if I knew they’d charge me some sort of luxury tax. What would they do if you couldn’t afford to pay? That brings us to card #4…
4. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200
NO MONOPOLY! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! YOU CAN’T SEND ME TO JAIL FOR NO REASON! WE DON’T LIVE IN IRAN!!!
I used to make up reasons why the good rich uncle ended up behind bars. Once I made up a long rambling story about involving a political figure, some chloroform, a high school cheerleader, 3 aliens and the entire 1975 Washington Capitals. To make that long story short, rich Uncle Pennybags took the fall for the political figure for the good of the country. He was later released on $50 bail where he promptly disappeared, because our justice system is useless. Or, he got out for free by
becoming a snitch rolling doubles.
5. You have been elected chairman of the board – pay each player $50
I’m assuming that you’re paying $50 to each player because you’ve bribed them for your votes. Now you can really tell the game was made in the 1930s. Clearly being chairman of this board is kind of a big deal if you’re willing to bribe people to make it happen.
Once you become chairman of the board in the game, nothing happens. You pay people, put the card back, and then go on with the game. I propose we change the rules to let the chairman of the board have some fun with his new position. Give him the authority to wreck some hotels or something. Maybe he can steal money from the Free Parking bonanza in the middle. (Which I NEVER landed on) It’s 1930s America, corruption is everywhere. Let the chairman have a little fun.
6. Advance token to Illinois Avenue
I’ve been to Illinois Avenue. It’s a dump. No one would possibly want to go there. Also, nice hobo satchel. It goes nicely with the big fat cigar and rich guy hat.
These cards are just a few of the examples of how unrealistic the game is. Boardwalk, the most expensive property in the game, costs $400 to buy. That’s just 2x the salary of the participants in the game. How is the most expensive piece of land in town just 2x someone’s salary? And then, a night at even the dumpiest hotel in town on Mediterranean Avenue costs $250? For that price, let’s hope a hooker and cocaine is included.