Keep It Common Law

Ahhh… Uproar, you had me up until the last line.  I could be smitten with a guy who thinks that KC was advocating shacking up.  But then you had to cross the line…  Most of the time I completely agree with you.  If my guy got me a nice lovely token of his affection and carried his financial weight, I could be completely happy keeping it common law.  It works both ways.  As long as the girl has her walk away money.  But I think that many women think that their Prince Charming will take care of all their problems and never build their walk away fund, which drives the need for the legality of the ties to their man.  

I
got married a year ago in calgary for a couple thousand (well under $5000). We had a wedding, because I think that is what makes a marriage. Not that it is supposed to be the big event, but because I see marriage as a social custom, not a legal one. Marriage has existed in all societies since roughly forever, and the state has nothing to do with it. To me, getting married means gathering the people who matter to you, and stating your intentions in the presence of those people. The legal side is just tax paperwork.We didn’t spend ages or tons of money on the wedding, as it’s the rest of the lifetime after that one day that matters. We planned to pay
for everything ourselves, as I too believe that if you’re old enough to
marry, you’re old enough to pay for it. My parents figured they would
pay for their daughters wedding and asked us to give them the bills. We
considered it (they would be easily able to afford our modest taste
without any harm to their finances, and had saved money for weddings),
but it just didn’t feel right to let them foot the bill. So we paid, but
I admit they did give us an extremely generous gift.
We didn’t have a crappy wedding – we had what most of our friends have
called the most fun wedding they have been to yet. We just kept it
simple and informal – the ceremony was outside on a public hill, and
short enough for people to stand (with a few chairs for grandparents),
then the reception was a simple party at a community hall. We rented
speakers (from an acquaintance, for a case of beer), and hooked them up
to my laptop and played music we like and own. The most expensive part
was food, as it does cost money to feed a bunch of people, though we
kept it simple and at the very cheap end of what is possible (yet
excellent food – I can’t say enough good about the caterer).
I have no engagement ring – I think it’s appalling that in this day and
age, women who otherwise think themselves ‘equal’ demand a one-way gift
worth several thousand dollars. I think tuxes look silly, and my husband
wore the suit he already owns that I think he looks great in. I
purchased a simple white dress. We were coming in from similar circumstances, but I think a pre-nup would have been entirely justified if we were seriously out of balance. If only they were enforced in court….We felt strongly that it was better so spend more money towards a house or other savings, or at least on a great trip, and yes, strictly speaking, we could have not spent even that couple thousand. But it was a reasonably low price for a social commitment that mattered, and a great party.’Wedding’ doesn’t have to mean piles of money, and lots of money isn’t necessary to make it lots of fun.As for common law, if you are living in a marriage-like situation, divorce-like laws can apply to you just as easily when you break up. If one partner proves that they made decisions based on assuming a joint income, you can end up nearly as bad. Different juristictions have different laws on this, but you can be screwed either way. Strictly financially, weddings and marriage don’t make sense. Neither does having children, or celebrating a birthday, or spending any money. But unless the point of your financial sensibility is to amass a large pile to roll around in, it makes sense to spend reasonable amounts of money that you have on things that matter to you.

The irony of the security of marriage is that a very high percentage of older divorced women wind up living in poverty.  For every gold-digger who takes her ex to the cleaners, there are many more women who get traded in for a new wife and lose most of their income and assets at the worst possible time.  This isn’t a sexist opinion, it’s a statistical fact.  It can also happen to men.  It’s a financial reality of the arrangement.

My opinion is that both partners should have financial assets and ability, whether they choose to get married or not.  Being completely dependent on anyone leaves a person vulnerable.

Tomorrow is my anniversary and we have been married for 21 years.  We chose to get married and raise a family in the traditional style, where my wife has never worked.  We bought inexpensive rings at the LA Jewelry District and got married in Las Vegas.  I have watched people spend insane amounts of money and wind up divorced a short time later.  It’s more about the commitment than the ring and ceremony.

People should do what they think is right for them.  They shouldn’t let parents, society, their church or DeBeers pressure them when making important life decisions.  There is an endless stream of people and organizations who tell you what to do.  None of them are going to raise your children or pay your bills.