Congratulations! You’ve finally decided to take the plunge and launch your own product, leveraging the success of your blog into untold riches. Your potential for future earnings is basically limitless. After all, everybody is on the internet, even Nelson’s Grandma.  If you can just sell one e-book to everyone, you’ll end up with at least a million dollars in profit. Maybe even more.

But, in order to do that, you’ve got to have a plan. I’m not talking about some crappy plan like the Maginot Line or whoever came up with the idea to split Netflix into two. No, this plan has got to be good. Because if you screw up just one detail, you’ll be stuck working your crappy day job forever. And I’ve heard day jobs suck more than an episode of The Big Bang Theory. At least, I think. I’ve never watched an episode of that particular show.

Dammit, now I’m distracted. Let’s do this thing.

Step 1- Hint Dropping Time

Screw actually having a topic, you can pull something out of your ass in 5 minutes. Take a few hours to write some of it, and then hire some guy out of India to do the rest. And then, when he’s done, hire some other guy out of India to edit it so it doesn’t sound like somebody who barely speaks English wrote it. You’re not going to have time to write it, since you’ve got promotin’ to do!

Starting about 6 weeks before launch, start dropping hints about this project you’re working on. You’ll want to use words like massive, epic and legendary a lot, since you want to create the impression your thrown together e-book is going to change people’s lives. Post Twitter and Facebook updates at like 2 A.M. which talk about how hard you’re working on your project. This would probably be a good time to learn how to schedule updates ahead of time.

Because you went to the Financial Bloggers Conference, you’ve been promoting the hell out of your e-mail newsletter for months now, because either Ramit or Baker told you to. As you compose your newsletter, take special care to mention your upcoming launch in every single paragraph. Present your product as the ticket to make all their non-sexual dreams come true. As long as you think it’s the greatest thing ever, then it’s gotta be true.

Step 2- Make A Landing Page

A week or two before you launch that bad boy, you’re going to want to make a landing page. This is where you’ll send prospective customers when they want some information on your product. What should you put on this landing page? Great question, I’m glad I asked it.

First thing, you should use this landing page to dismiss any legitimate criticisms people may have against your product. If somebody thinks the price is too high, call them cheap and stupid for not investing in their future. If someone questions the quality of the content, point them to your best posts and then call them cheap and stupid. And if someone has the audacity to question your qualifications, feel free to insult them again and maybe call their mother fat. You don’t have time for people who actually question what they buy! You’ve got products to sell, dammit!

I think you should mention your price on the landing page, but not before you write at least a thousand words on how awesome your product is. Feel free to repeat yourself as many times as needed. Point out how great of a deal this is, and for God’s sake, DON’T TELL PEOPLE THEY CAN GET THIS INFORMATION FOR FREE SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE INTERNET.

Step 3- The Launch

It’s time to launch this beast. Since you’ve been constantly dropping hints for weeks, your fans will be chomping at the bit to exchange their cash for whatever it is you’re selling. That’s great, but we’re going for more than that here. Remember, unless you sell to one million people, your product isn’t a success. Well, unless you charge like 12 grand for the damn thing, but no one would be stupid enough to do that in real life.

Finally, the day has come for you to launch your product. Is all the work over? Hardly. It’s now time to pimp that ho like you’ve never pimped before. Write all sorts of guest posts on other blogs. Go everywhere you can and mention it. Make sure you’ve got about eleventy billion blog posts scheduled right through the launch, all of which mention it. And just when you think you can’t possibly pimp it anymore… KEEP PIMPING IT YOU QUITTER.

PIMP. PIMP. PIMP. PIMP. PIMP. PIMP. PIMP. (Those 7 pimps are sung to the tune of the George In The Jungle drums)

Here’s a picture of a pimp to keep you motivated.

Keep Pimpin' Boyeee!

I suggest printing it and taping it on the wall. Or, if you really want to get in the theme of things, go buy the get-up. Do whatever you need to do to get in the mood.

Step 4- Spend Your Money

I’d suggest spending it on cocaine and hookers, but it’s really your call. Remember, you will be wearing a pimp costume.

There you have it kids. Once you follow these 4 steps, you’ll be well on your way to conquering the internet. Soon Bill Gates will be hitting you up for cash. You can thank me with 20% of your profits. Or boobs. I like them.

Tell everyone, yo!