Oh, don’t act so surprised. You knew it was only a matter of time before I wrote a post about boobs.

Ladies, let me tell you a little secret. Us guys, we like the boobs. Big boobs, small boobs, in between sized boobs, we like them all. Even though they’re basically just pieces of fat that only become useful right after you have a baby, we have an unnatural obsession with them. I can go on, but this has already gotten creepy enough. Suffice to say, the fellas are fans.

At some point during a young woman’s life, she will figure out that guys like her boobs. Some women will do nothing with this information, just storing it in their brains beside the knowledge about throw pillows and mascara. Others will figure out that, with the aid of a low cut shirt and a flirty attitude, they can get guys to do almost anything, as long as they just keep him thinking about the boobs. Guys, raise your hand if that’s ever happened to you. Damn, that’s a lot of hands.

With the exception of a few professions, women tend to take this advantage they have and do nothing with it, choosing instead to get ahead based on work ethic and performance. Which, quite frankly, is stupid. If you have an asset, why not use it to your advantage? A woman’s looks and body are just as much an asset as her mind or initiative. Why not use them like you would any other asset?

Lately though, there’s been a fantastic trend, at least over the pond in England. It turns out that women’s breasts are getting larger. The average bra size has jumped from 34B to 36D. At first glance, the cause seems obvious. Women (along with men) are fatter than ever, meaning that their boobs would be larger too. This, however, isn’t really the case, considering the most popular size in England is a 32D, which is a size typical of a slim woman. The article also tells me there’s such thing as a job fitting women with bras. I now know my calling in life.

Anyway, what’s a lady to do if she isn’t blessed with a large chest? Should she just accept who she is, and just tell herself that not all women can have large breasts? She could, or she could get a boob job.

The ladies reading this are rolling their eyes right now. They’re thinking I just want them to get breast implants because I’m a dirty guy who likes big boobs. Ladies, nothing could be further from the truth. My last girlfriend was a 32B, and I thought her boobs were just dandy. As long as a girl doesn’t look like a 12 year old boy when she takes her shirt off, Nelson is quite happy. I don’t want you to go and get enhanced for me. I want you to get enhanced because you’ll benefit.

First off, attractive people make more money than their ugly counterparts. I wrote it, it must be true. Hate it if you want, but women with larger breasts are perceived to be more attractive than their flatter chested sisters. With the exception of a select few male dominated industries, being the pretty girl in the office will get you all sorts of advantages. In fact, studies have shown that beautiful women marry, on average, guys who make more money. Women value a guy who can bring home the bacon, and he values her hotness. Take that, true love.

This may seem obvious to some of you, but it turns out slim waitresses with big boobs will get better tips than smaller chested waitresses. I couldn’t find any data for other professions, but I know that in my industry, a large breasted female sales rep will do very well, especially considering most of her customers are male. The same holds true in all sorts of other industries.

These days, at least in Canada, the cost of implants is $6000-$7000, depending on where you live, the doctor, etc. In certain jobs (stripper, porn star) the decision to get enhanced is a no brainer. But how about in other jobs? If you’re a real estate agent, do you think you’ll get more business because you’re sexier? How about if you’re a financial planner? I’m betting you would. In fact, I’d guess you’d make enough extra to pay back that initial investment fairly quickly.

Meanwhile, if you’re a teacher, or a nurse, or a writer, I’m going to guess you’re not getting any sort of advantage over your peers, with the exception of maybe having an easier time getting a job in the first place, especially if a man is doing the hiring. He’s only smiling because he’s imagining you naked.

Ladies, I, for the record, think you’re all great just the way you are. I don’t think a single one of you needs any sort of plastic surgery, you’re all beautiful just the way you are. However, I’ve been single for a while, so I may not be the most critical judge out there. Maybe a little saline help may be in order. Your wallet might thank you.

Tell everyone, yo!