Recently, I was sent an interesting article by PK from Don’t Quit Your Day Job. (or NAMBLA for short) He’s decided that it’s his job to link to interesting articles in comments he leaves on the Saturday Morning Link Dump. And I, for one, want to encourage him to keep doing it, since he’s feeding me some pretty interesting stuff. The one I’m going to talk about today is from a couple weeks ago, from the Washington Post. I’ve since lost the tab the article was open in, so I’m just going to give you guys the gist of it, rather than linking to it.

Basically, there are women who live in large cities who have decided that a good way to get free food at nice restaurants is to join dating websites and go out with guys just so they can get a free dinner. These women have no desire to go on second dates with these guys, they’re just after the free food.

All sorts of thoughts swam through my head as I read the article. Why don’t these chicks learn to cook? Is restaurant food really delicious enough to endure a 2 hour dinner with somebody you don’t really like? Is this really about the food – or is it about these girls having guys appreciate their company enough to buy them dinner?

As I finished the article, I had one overwhelming thought. It wasn’t that these women are bad people for leading on the guys – after all, many of the guys were probably just hoping to get a quick lay for the price of a dinner anyway. And it wasn’t disappointment with the world of online dating in general, even though there are all sorts of problems with the concept.

My conclusion? Dating in general is kinda stupid.

Think about it. It’s expensive, especially when you’re the guy, who is still expected to take initiative for the whole process. (and therefore foot the bill, at least at first) There are a bunch of arbitrary rules, like no sex until the 3rd date. People who aren’t physically attractive either have to settle for those who are similarly ugly, or take their pick of more attractive people with issues. Both parties are walking on eggshells, nervously trying not to say or do anything stupid.

But we all do it. And you know why? No, it’s not so we can meet that perfect partner. It’s so we can get laid.

Dating is just an elaborate game so we can have sex with each other. Sure, the kids these days are having all sorts of casual sex, but that’s hardly a guarantee, so they start to couple off in search for more steady sex. Monogamy does have its advantages.

After a while of being together, one half of the couple (usually the woman) will push to make the relationship more permanent. So they get married, which can be a great financial boon if your cards are played right. If this couple is lucky, they’ll beat the odds and stay together. It’s all so romantic.

These days, there are all sorts of single people who are simply choosing not to bother with the whole dating scene. It’s expensive, it’s nerve wracking, and can lead to self esteem issues if the object of your affection rejects you. Is this really the best way to go through life?

If you’re a guy and you’re reading this, think about all the cash you can save by just masturbating instead. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. No more buying women dinner. No more driving clear across town to pick them up. No more buying them a drink in a crowded bar. No more giving into their crappy whims about going to the mall, so they can buy a new outfit to further stuff into their closest. You’ll easily save 72 hours and $32,402 per year. (Author’s estimate. Your results may vary.)

You scoff at the idea, and I’m not really being entirely serious, but just think of all the money you can save by kissing the dating scene good-bye. Plus, you won’t have to spend countless hours getting to know a girl, hours that can be spent padding your income and net worth. You won’t have to buy her dinner (and she won’t have to buy it for you either) 3 times a week for 6 months, since that’s what every couple does. There’s no anniversary presents and no birthday gifts, no guilt about putting in extra time at work, and no nagging because you never buy her flowers. Over the course of a year, you could pretty easily save a couple thousand bucks by staying single.

Yeah, not getting laid sucks, but so does an unwanted pregnancy, or a STD, or sexy pictures of you leaking onto the internet. Sex can turn very bad very quickly. Or, remember all those promiscuous kids I mentioned earlier, the ones having all the casual sex? Go find one of them for all your sexy fun. You get the sex without having to pay for the girlfriend.

Ladies, this applies to you too. Since you’ve fought so hard for the ability to pay your own way in a relationship, you’re probably footing at least half the bill. You’ll also save yourself to be more focused for work, since you won’t be tired after the non-existent sexy time the night before. Maybe you’ll get that promotion and help close the gender wage gap, ever so slightly.

Remember, masturbation is free, easy, and best of all, drama free. No one’s ever been rejected by their own hand.

Tell everyone, yo!