Screw It. I’ll Just Masturbate Instead.

Recently, I was sent an interesting article by PK from Don’t Quit Your Day Job. (or NAMBLA for short) He’s decided that it’s his job to link to interesting articles in comments he leaves on the Saturday Morning Link Dump. And I, for one, want to encourage him to keep doing it, since he’s feeding me some pretty interesting stuff. The one I’m going to talk about today is from a couple weeks ago, from the Washington Post. I’ve since lost the tab the article was open in, so I’m just going to give you guys the gist of it, rather than linking to it.

Basically, there are women who live in large cities who have decided that a good way to get free food at nice restaurants is to join dating websites and go out with guys just so they can get a free dinner. These women have no desire to go on second dates with these guys, they’re just after the free food.

All sorts of thoughts swam through my head as I read the article. Why don’t these chicks learn to cook? Is restaurant food really delicious enough to endure a 2 hour dinner with somebody you don’t really like? Is this really about the food – or is it about these girls having guys appreciate their company enough to buy them dinner?

As I finished the article, I had one overwhelming thought. It wasn’t that these women are bad people for leading on the guys – after all, many of the guys were probably just hoping to get a quick lay for the price of a dinner anyway. And it wasn’t disappointment with the world of online dating in general, even though there are all sorts of problems with the concept.

My conclusion? Dating in general is kinda stupid.

Think about it. It’s expensive, especially when you’re the guy, who is still expected to take initiative for the whole process. (and therefore foot the bill, at least at first) There are a bunch of arbitrary rules, like no sex until the 3rd date. People who aren’t physically attractive either have to settle for those who are similarly ugly, or take their pick of more attractive people with issues. Both parties are walking on eggshells, nervously trying not to say or do anything stupid.

But we all do it. And you know why? No, it’s not so we can meet that perfect partner. It’s so we can get laid.

Dating is just an elaborate game so we can have sex with each other. Sure, the kids these days are having all sorts of casual sex, but that’s hardly a guarantee, so they start to couple off in search for more steady sex. Monogamy does have its advantages.

After a while of being together, one half of the couple (usually the woman) will push to make the relationship more permanent. So they get married, which can be a great financial boon if your cards are played right. If this couple is lucky, they’ll beat the odds and stay together. It’s all so romantic.

These days, there are all sorts of single people who are simply choosing not to bother with the whole dating scene. It’s expensive, it’s nerve wracking, and can lead to self esteem issues if the object of your affection rejects you. Is this really the best way to go through life?

If you’re a guy and you’re reading this, think about all the cash you can save by just masturbating instead. Yeah, that’s right, I said it. No more buying women dinner. No more driving clear across town to pick them up. No more buying them a drink in a crowded bar. No more giving into their crappy whims about going to the mall, so they can buy a new outfit to further stuff into their closest. You’ll easily save 72 hours and $32,402 per year. (Author’s estimate. Your results may vary.)

You scoff at the idea, and I’m not really being entirely serious, but just think of all the money you can save by kissing the dating scene good-bye. Plus, you won’t have to spend countless hours getting to know a girl, hours that can be spent padding your income and net worth. You won’t have to buy her dinner (and she won’t have to buy it for you either) 3 times a week for 6 months, since that’s what every couple does. There’s no anniversary presents and no birthday gifts, no guilt about putting in extra time at work, and no nagging because you never buy her flowers. Over the course of a year, you could pretty easily save a couple thousand bucks by staying single.

Yeah, not getting laid sucks, but so does an unwanted pregnancy, or a STD, or sexy pictures of you leaking onto the internet. Sex can turn very bad very quickly. Or, remember all those promiscuous kids I mentioned earlier, the ones having all the casual sex? Go find one of them for all your sexy fun. You get the sex without having to pay for the girlfriend.

Ladies, this applies to you too. Since you’ve fought so hard for the ability to pay your own way in a relationship, you’re probably footing at least half the bill. You’ll also save yourself to be more focused for work, since you won’t be tired after the non-existent sexy time the night before. Maybe you’ll get that promotion and help close the gender wage gap, ever so slightly.

Remember, masturbation is free, easy, and best of all, drama free. No one’s ever been rejected by their own hand.

Tell everyone, yo!

17 thoughts on “Screw It. I’ll Just Masturbate Instead.

  • January 11, 2012 at 7:19 am

    lol, I thought for sure you were going to mention ” the stranger”.

  • January 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    NAMBLA reference in an article with this title?  Are you trying to tell us something?

    As is my tradition, I’ll link you to a relevant article – at least the girls who ‘stole’ dinner existed.

    In all seriousness, there is no reason that someone of a cheaper persuasion can’t find a member of the opposite sex who agrees.  For every point on the male side there is a counterpoint on the female – the cost of dressing up, makeup, shoes, and all that good stuff – which certainly isn’t free.

    But, seriously, how depressing is that article, haha?

  • January 11, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    I suspect the women are attention-whores as well as cheap, and get a kick out of the male interest as well as the free meals.
    To me, this is just a good reason not to do the traditional date. I believe strongly in both people paying their own way, but I think a first date, especially if planned by only one person, finds it appropriate for the asker to pay. Or at least be prepared to pay. If the askee (yes, usually a woman) is able, I do think it is appropriate to pay their part. After that, you’re either alternating taking each other out, or paying your own way.
    First dates should be small, and cheap, since you’re just trying to get to know each other. No man should take a woman out to dinner just to meet her. Go for coffee or go for an after-dinner drink (if you do that), or go for an afternoon walk. If you like each other enough to meet for future dates, that’s when to bring dinners in. Sure, if you’re not offering expensive dinners, you’re going to weed out a lot of women who might not accept your coffee date, but you don’t want those women anyways. Let them go on dates with men rich enough and desperate enough to pay big bucks for companionship. 
    I think it’s the hunt that is the problem. I don’t understand why men and women can’t just get to know each other outside of a ‘dating’ frame, and if sparks strike up with someone you’ve met or know, then pursue it as a romantic relationship. Far better than all the drama for first or second dates that go no further.
    If men stopped putting up with women’s double-standard crap, dating could be a lot easier and better.
    I’d tell women to stop pulling crap, but that seems highly unlikely to happen, and there’s no incentive, since they benefit from it. Unfortunately, men are going to have to be the ones to retreat to the hand and hold out for better offers if anything’s going to change.

  • January 11, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    Dating does suck.  The article you refer to is hard to accept, but sadly, not surprising.  I was fortunate enough to meet someone that became a friend in university, and months after we first met, decided to date.  That automatically took out all the awkwardness and customary nice dinners during the ‘initial courting process’.

  • January 11, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    I’ll admit there is a little bit of the whole “Gold-digger vs Player” going on in the whole dating scene, but this rant seems to go against everything you’ve been saying prior to this. Your whole blog is about being financially responsible. If someone whined about how the investment market or job hiring is rigged, you’d say, “Get over it! We deal with situations as they are, not how we would like them to be. Adapt and overcome, you weenies!” Well, while being financially responsible, let’s apply what we know so we can be EMOTIONALLY responsible in the dating realm. Come up with and apply some strategies on dating so that we can minimize the risks, while still enjoying the rewards of meeting and spending time with our dating companions.

    No sense making ourselves financially fit if we’re going to neglect other parts of our lives.

    • January 11, 2012 at 8:16 pm

      Sounds like the suggested strategy is to stop depending on other people for your needs. 😀

      But really, it’s simple. Choose activities that let you get to know each other without spending piles of money, instead of just trying to impress her with wealth. If she doesn’t want you without you spending a lot on her, you’re much better off without her.

  • January 12, 2012 at 1:44 am

    –sigh– where DO you get these post ideas? 😛

    As a girl who goes on dates, and likes the guy to ask, and expects a dinner on the second date (but not the first), and no intimacy until later dates… there is a sense of romance and chivalry that girls want. Even if guys think it’s a waste of time and money, there’s a courting period that I think we’re missing in modern dating. The anticipation. The first time you hold their hand. The first kiss.. these are all important things that help make a date turn into a relationship.

    As for going out on first dates, save your money by going to coffee first. Within the first 10-15 minutes, you will know if you want to go on a second date.

    I too, hate wasting time and money. So from a girl’s perspective to a guy — go out for coffee first.

    • January 12, 2012 at 8:59 am

      Back when people ‘courted’, a woman brought youth, beauty, good manners and companionship, and would eventually bear children and raise them for a man. He, in turn, brought money, stability, and would later provide a home and financial security for the woman. 
      The courting period gave her a chance to demonstrate that she was a partner worthy of being spent money on, and a good companion, wife, and mother. It gave him a chance to demonstrate his ability to provide for the woman, and their eventual family. Courting was a process deliberately aimed towards assessing marital compatibility with an obvious end goal. 
      In the days of courting, a woman lived with her father, and did not make any serious money, beyond perhaps some teaching or assisting for pocketmoney, or if she needed to help out her family – it was thus logical that a man paid for dinner, since he was the one with a salary.

      Now that women expect to be paid the same as a man, they should expect to pay for dinner as much as a man. If a woman expects to be treated as an equal in the business world, they need to demonstrate that they are a competent equal in the personal world. Of course men find modern dating to be a waste of time and money – it IS a waste of a man’s time and especially money, for girls who just want to have some fun. No wonder women want romance and chivalry – they expect all the benefits men have ever had, yet don’t want to lose any of their own traditional advantages. 
      Chivalry is for people (elderly, children, and traditionally, women) who are on a lesser tier, unable to take care of themselves in the public world. Women need to accept that a change in some of their roles leads to a change in other roles, and stop expecting men to give everything they always have for none of the same benefits.
      But as I mentioned below, why would women give up their awesome deal? It’ll remain until men put their collective foot down and stop taking the crap.

      • January 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

        As much as I enjoyed the history lesson and you trying to explain that having romance and a courting period in a relationship is outdated for whatever reasons you outlined, I wasn’t trying to say that men should pay for everything.

        I am assuming (perhaps I’m wrong) that you were trying to tell me otherwise by indirectly lecturing me and showing your disapproval of my comment, particularly with this line:

        Women need to accept that a change in some of their roles leads to a change in other roles, and stop expecting men to give everything they always have for none of the same benefits.

        To recap, I am only saying that for the FIRST date, if the man asked, he should pay and it should be a coffee to check to see if they have a connection before moving on to the second date.

        If the woman asked, the rules get fuzzy, and perhaps she should pay, but as I’ve never asked someone out on a date, I’ve never had experience with that, nor paid.

        Then the second date, the man usually pays for a dinner, but I always offer to pay my half and will do so.

        Otherwise, when we go out for drinks after dinner, I’ll at least cover
        that, or if we don’t, the third date is on me.

        Assuming you don’t know me based on just a short comment above, and you
        don’t know my views on relationships, the bottom line is I expect a woman
        to pay 50/50 for everything, and that’s what I do in my own relationship.

        If you want, you could read a couple of my posts where I talk either
        explicitly, or in part of the post about this:

        – Would I change my view on money if I made
        – Paying more than your fair
        – Do men prefer women who make less

        • January 12, 2012 at 7:29 pm

          when you stated that you expected a dinner on the second date, that sounded very much as you expecting to receive it paid for, rather than expecting to go to dinner and pay.
          I agree that for a first date, the asker should pay. I don’t see any reason that should be fuzzy if the asker was a woman. If it’s really about the asker, there’s no reason for fuzziness – unless ‘the asker should pay’ is just used as code for ‘the man’. 
          (I also don’t understand why a woman who goes ahead and does what she wants in all other aspects of life would sit back and wait to be asked on a date). 

          My comments were directed both to you and to women in general, who seem to frequently complain that the scales are not tilted far enough in their favour – and then wonder why men think it might just not be worth it.

        • June 13, 2012 at 11:35 pm

          “if the man asked, he should pay”

          The, “whoever asks, pays” rule is geared to benefit women, since most women do not ask men out on first dates. Until women ask men out at an equal rate, I will reject that rule, and expect my date to pay her own way.

  • January 12, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    Never thought I would see a Personal Finance post about masturbation!  Incredible.  I wonder how many pervs out there will stumble upon this article while doing a Google search on how to more effectively masturbate.  Genius keyword strategy to try to lure in an audience from a different niche on the internet.  Was this partially your intent?

    • January 12, 2012 at 1:31 pm

      P.S.  Love how you call it, “The Twitter.”  I’ve been doing the same ever since I heard Betty White say it that way in whatever movie that was.

  • January 16, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Wow, it’s funny how controversial this post has become (based on the comments). I guess that happens any time the conversation turns to sex and money.

  • September 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm

    I agree! It’s so freaking hard playing womens games…”oh I am married”, “oh I have a boyfriend” etc etc I’m not going gay: sick! So masturbation is a huge option.

  • January 10, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Women in general, Not all women, but 90% of them see dollar signs $$$$ when they meet a guy. What can I get out of him? Can I move in with him so I don’t need to pay my rent? Maybe I can attach his health insurance so I will be covered if I get sick. I am a guy who seen this happen to a number of my friends. Maybe he can buy me a house and I can stay home . While he works long hours at work , I can cheat on him. Soo much easier and much cheaper, to jerk off to porn. I don’t blame these guys, because the women pool has turned into a slut , money bitches.

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