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Considering I didn’t post much last week, I figured I owed you guys some content. What’s that? You don’t care?

Oh.

Well, too bad! You’re getting my content anyway, and you’re gonna like it. It’s kinda short, but what it lacks in number of words it will make up with awesomeness. Ah, who am I kidding? It’s just a list of strange things for sale on eBay. Let’s do this thing, before we all change our minds.

1. A rock shaped like a human foot

Do you have $998,500.25 (Canadian dollars) just burning a hole in your pocket? Have you always dreamed of owning a rock that kinda looks like a human foot? Then this auction is for you, stimpy.

His background story is the stuff of legend. I wish I was making this up:

My great grandfather came across this foot in the deep woods of Maine. He was out for his Sunday walk in the woods as usually. It was a bright and sunny day, just a gorgeous day. As he was walking his normal route he saw something he has never seen before up ahead. It was two huge trees that where arched as though they where a door way or passageway to somewhere. As he got closer he could see a glow of shimmery light reflecting out.
It was so bright he could not see what was beyond the archway. Curious he decided to step into the archway, he had to shut his eyes the light was so bright. As he step through he could feel a light cool mist on his face and beneath his feet became cushioned and light. When he opened his eyes the sight he saw amazed him. He described it to be like Emerald city.

There’s more to the story if you click through to the listing. A lot more. I wonder how much opium great grandpa had before his walk?

2. A Sex Doll

What should you get that single guy in your life who seems to have everything? Why, his very own silicone sex doll, that’s what.

It’s a “hauntingly beautiful and extremely real looking doll for a wide variety of applications.” Does that mean I can take it out for dinner? It is pretty realistic looking, but it’s pretty creepily young. Seriously, click through. It looks like it’s a doll someone made of a 14 year old girl.

It’s only $800. Is that a good price for a sex doll? I’d recommend buying several, since “there will be substantial savings if you order in bulk.” You could have your own harem of sex dolls.

3. Stained Underwear Safe

I’m not sure if this next one is genius or full blown crazy. It’s a safe that resembles a pair of dirty undies, complete with skid marks. Really big skid marks. There’s hidden compartments inside the undies, where you put your cash, cards or whatever, as long as it’s small. They say that the best place to hide stuff is in plain sight, so maybe this underwear safe is onto something. Or maybe it’s creepy. I’m not entirely sure.

4. A French Fry Wrapper That Looks Like The Virgin Mary

Yes!

The starting price is $819.10. Do you guys think I could avoid my inevitable trip to hell if I bought it?

5. A Guide To Hookers In Thailand

I’m curious. Are there actually guys who go to Thailand and can’t find a hooker? Well, if there are, then this book is for them. Maybe Andrew Hallam could weigh in on this one.

Unknown until this very moment, I have written my own guide to girls in Thailand. I’m only charging $9.99. Want a free preview? Of course you do.

“Getting girls in Thailand is simple. Show up. Hang out alone, they will approach you. And for the love of God, wear a condom.”

Crap. I just gave you the whole book for free.

6. Real Moose Crap Earings

“Baby, what’s that smell? Is that a new perfume?”

7. Bacon Flavored Toothpaste

I have a bit of an unhealthy love of bacon, but that’s just taking it too far.

That’s it kids. No, you can’t have the last 5 minutes of your life back.

 

Ladies, you know I love you all, right? I love everything about you. I love the fact you’re willing to spend extra time looking pretty, just so us guys will notice you. You all generally laugh at my jokes, which is appreciated. You’re generally much tidier than us guys. If it wasn’t for you and your nagging gentle prodding, us guys would live in piles of our own filth. You help us out with fashion, and our hair, and all sorts of other stuff that we’re not very good at.

Plus, there’s your boobs. They are, and I’m not even exaggerating here, the greatest thing in the history of ever. I like the big ones and the small ones. In fact, I think I like the small ones better, since the big ones always get so much attention. There’s nothing wrong with a nice b cup.

I better get to the point, before all the blood rushes into my extremities.

As much as I love you ladies, you all generally share a small little fault. It’s no big deal really, it’s just one little thing. As a group, you spend altogether too much money on crap. That makeup us guys enjoy so much? That sets you back like several hundred dollars per year. Your sex barely bats an eye about going out and spending hundreds of dollars on clothes. I know women who have several hundred dollars invested just in lingerie, because apparently they think guys care more about that than what’s underneath the lingerie. FACT: THEY DON’T.

Women also seem to collectively enjoy their wine, Starbucks, getting their nails done, going to get special mud rubbed on their face, and texting until their fingers are about to fall off. What’s common about all these vices? They all cost money.

Before we go any farther and piss off the fairer gender any more than I already have, it’s not just women who are guilty of spending their money on crap that isn’t really needed. Men are willing to spend their disposable income on everything from video games to cool electronics to cold beer to strippers, not to mention really expensive toys like motorbikes and jet-skis. Both sexes are just as guilty when it comes to spending their money on crap.

How many women do you know who are really serious about becoming financially independent? I have to admit, I don’t know a single one. Unlike Bigfoot, they actually exist, they’re just few and far between.

Women are wired a little differently than men are. Because they’re the nurturing half of our species, they don’t tend to look at accumulating wealth. Rather, they tend to be good at creating a welcoming environment for any offspring they may have. This is why they drag us guys to Ikea on Saturdays, and then make us put together that crap on Sundays. This is why they insist on painting walls that are a perfectly reasonable color. They can’t help it, they’re just doing their thing as moms.

This isn’t to say women aren’t good at accumulating capital, or saving money. I know all sorts of women who are quite good at it. However, women will always be fighting that urge to spend money attracting men and creating a comfortable space for their families to reside. Accumulating wealth will always be secondary.

Meanwhile, we have men. There is little doubt in my mind that men are better at amassing wealth than women are. Most of the world’s ultra rich are men. Most of the people working in the highest paid industries are men. Men still have deep evolutionary instincts to care for their wives, which usually means providing the money for their families.

One only has to look at about 90% of the couples in North America to reinforce my thesis. Generally the man is the higher wage earner of the family, while his wife takes on most of the domestic responsibilities. This division of labor will continue to exist for the foreseeable future, since it works.

What’s the point of this blog post? You thought I was never going to get there, did you?

There’s two points. Sometimes, one partner of a couple has to convert the other one to spend less. One spouse sees spending a lot of money on comforts as a way for establishing a nice place, either for themselves or their offspring. The other spouse disagrees, they’re more serious about building wealth. Sometimes, we have to break out of our traditional roles and realize that building wealth is much easier when both members of a couple are aboard.

And secondly, as humans, we’re conditioned to compare ourselves to our peers. When we fit in, our peers accept us, making our dealings with said peers much easier. Learning to legitimately not care about what our peers think about us is one of the most important things you can master on the path towards wealth. Not many of you will ever really master it, even though it’s so important.

 

Tweet Well, that was kind of a crazy blog week, huh? I was supposed to meet a buddy for supper on Wednesday, but he ended up bailing on me. Of course, I had already shown up and waited for a little while before he decided he wasn’t going to be able to make it. (And, in his defense, the excuse Read More [...]

 

Tweet The other morning, as I woke up after my usual 6 naked Taylor Swift dreams, I found the following email*: Hi Uproar: How would you like a few hundred bucks, just for putting a link on your blog? Signed, Some Advertiser *Note, some details of this email have been changed, mostly because I’m too lazy to go find the Read More [...]

 

Tweet Guess where I was yesterday? No ladies, I wasn’t lingering outside your window, hoping for a sexy silhouette. I’m sure I’ll end up doing that one of these days, so you should probably watch out for that. You never know when I’ll be creepily lingering outside your window. In fact, I’d start filling out the restraining order right now. You’ll Read More [...]

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