You Too Can Own All These Strange and Unusual Items

 Other  No Responses »
Feb 282012
 

Considering I didn’t post much last week, I figured I owed you guys some content. What’s that? You don’t care?

Oh.

Well, too bad! You’re getting my content anyway, and you’re gonna like it. It’s kinda short, but what it lacks in number of words it will make up with awesomeness. Ah, who am I kidding? It’s just a list of strange things for sale on eBay. Let’s do this thing, before we all change our minds.

1. A rock shaped like a human foot

Do you have $998,500.25 (Canadian dollars) just burning a hole in your pocket? Have you always dreamed of owning a rock that kinda looks like a human foot? Then this auction is for you, stimpy.

His background story is the stuff of legend. I wish I was making this up:

My great grandfather came across this foot in the deep woods of Maine. He was out for his Sunday walk in the woods as usually. It was a bright and sunny day, just a gorgeous day. As he was walking his normal route he saw something he has never seen before up ahead. It was two huge trees that where arched as though they where a door way or passageway to somewhere. As he got closer he could see a glow of shimmery light reflecting out.
It was so bright he could not see what was beyond the archway. Curious he decided to step into the archway, he had to shut his eyes the light was so bright. As he step through he could feel a light cool mist on his face and beneath his feet became cushioned and light. When he opened his eyes the sight he saw amazed him. He described it to be like Emerald city.

There’s more to the story if you click through to the listing. A lot more. I wonder how much opium great grandpa had before his walk?

2. A Sex Doll

What should you get that single guy in your life who seems to have everything? Why, his very own silicone sex doll, that’s what.

It’s a “hauntingly beautiful and extremely real looking doll for a wide variety of applications.” Does that mean I can take it out for dinner? It is pretty realistic looking, but it’s pretty creepily young. Seriously, click through. It looks like it’s a doll someone made of a 14 year old girl.

It’s only $800. Is that a good price for a sex doll? I’d recommend buying several, since “there will be substantial savings if you order in bulk.” You could have your own harem of sex dolls.

3. Stained Underwear Safe

I’m not sure if this next one is genius or full blown crazy. It’s a safe that resembles a pair of dirty undies, complete with skid marks. Really big skid marks. There’s hidden compartments inside the undies, where you put your cash, cards or whatever, as long as it’s small. They say that the best place to hide stuff is in plain sight, so maybe this underwear safe is onto something. Or maybe it’s creepy. I’m not entirely sure.

4. A French Fry Wrapper That Looks Like The Virgin Mary

Yes!

The starting price is $819.10. Do you guys think I could avoid my inevitable trip to hell if I bought it?

5. A Guide To Hookers In Thailand

I’m curious. Are there actually guys who go to Thailand and can’t find a hooker? Well, if there are, then this book is for them. Maybe Andrew Hallam could weigh in on this one.

Unknown until this very moment, I have written my own guide to girls in Thailand. I’m only charging $9.99. Want a free preview? Of course you do.

“Getting girls in Thailand is simple. Show up. Hang out alone, they will approach you. And for the love of God, wear a condom.”

Crap. I just gave you the whole book for free.

6. Real Moose Crap Earings

“Baby, what’s that smell? Is that a new perfume?”

7. Bacon Flavored Toothpaste

I have a bit of an unhealthy love of bacon, but that’s just taking it too far.

That’s it kids. No, you can’t have the last 5 minutes of your life back.

 Posted by Nelson Smith at 4:20 am

Want To Be Wealthy? Do You Really?

 Big Picture Stuff  11 Responses »
Feb 272012
 

Ladies, you know I love you all, right? I love everything about you. I love the fact you’re willing to spend extra time looking pretty, just so us guys will notice you. You all generally laugh at my jokes, which is appreciated. You’re generally much tidier than us guys. If it wasn’t for you and your nagging gentle prodding, us guys would live in piles of our own filth. You help us out with fashion, and our hair, and all sorts of other stuff that we’re not very good at.

Plus, there’s your boobs. They are, and I’m not even exaggerating here, the greatest thing in the history of ever. I like the big ones and the small ones. In fact, I think I like the small ones better, since the big ones always get so much attention. There’s nothing wrong with a nice b cup.

I better get to the point, before all the blood rushes into my extremities.

As much as I love you ladies, you all generally share a small little fault. It’s no big deal really, it’s just one little thing. As a group, you spend altogether too much money on crap. That makeup us guys enjoy so much? That sets you back like several hundred dollars per year. Your sex barely bats an eye about going out and spending hundreds of dollars on clothes. I know women who have several hundred dollars invested just in lingerie, because apparently they think guys care more about that than what’s underneath the lingerie. FACT: THEY DON’T.

Women also seem to collectively enjoy their wine, Starbucks, getting their nails done, going to get special mud rubbed on their face, and texting until their fingers are about to fall off. What’s common about all these vices? They all cost money.

Before we go any farther and piss off the fairer gender any more than I already have, it’s not just women who are guilty of spending their money on crap that isn’t really needed. Men are willing to spend their disposable income on everything from video games to cool electronics to cold beer to strippers, not to mention really expensive toys like motorbikes and jet-skis. Both sexes are just as guilty when it comes to spending their money on crap.

How many women do you know who are really serious about becoming financially independent? I have to admit, I don’t know a single one. Unlike Bigfoot, they actually exist, they’re just few and far between.

Women are wired a little differently than men are. Because they’re the nurturing half of our species, they don’t tend to look at accumulating wealth. Rather, they tend to be good at creating a welcoming environment for any offspring they may have. This is why they drag us guys to Ikea on Saturdays, and then make us put together that crap on Sundays. This is why they insist on painting walls that are a perfectly reasonable color. They can’t help it, they’re just doing their thing as moms.

This isn’t to say women aren’t good at accumulating capital, or saving money. I know all sorts of women who are quite good at it. However, women will always be fighting that urge to spend money attracting men and creating a comfortable space for their families to reside. Accumulating wealth will always be secondary.

Meanwhile, we have men. There is little doubt in my mind that men are better at amassing wealth than women are. Most of the world’s ultra rich are men. Most of the people working in the highest paid industries are men. Men still have deep evolutionary instincts to care for their wives, which usually means providing the money for their families.

One only has to look at about 90% of the couples in North America to reinforce my thesis. Generally the man is the higher wage earner of the family, while his wife takes on most of the domestic responsibilities. This division of labor will continue to exist for the foreseeable future, since it works.

What’s the point of this blog post? You thought I was never going to get there, did you?

There’s two points. Sometimes, one partner of a couple has to convert the other one to spend less. One spouse sees spending a lot of money on comforts as a way for establishing a nice place, either for themselves or their offspring. The other spouse disagrees, they’re more serious about building wealth. Sometimes, we have to break out of our traditional roles and realize that building wealth is much easier when both members of a couple are aboard.

And secondly, as humans, we’re conditioned to compare ourselves to our peers. When we fit in, our peers accept us, making our dealings with said peers much easier. Learning to legitimately not care about what our peers think about us is one of the most important things you can master on the path towards wealth. Not many of you will ever really master it, even though it’s so important.

 Posted by Nelson Smith at 4:20 am

Saturday Morning Dump: Hitting On Waitresses

 Saturday Link Dump  3 Responses »
Feb 252012
 

Well, that was kind of a crazy blog week, huh?

I was supposed to meet a buddy for supper on Wednesday, but he ended up bailing on me. Of course, I had already shown up and waited for a little while before he decided he wasn’t going to be able to make it. (And, in his defense, the excuse was legit) Anyway, as I was waiting for him, I observed a table of 4 guys, each about 21 years old, blatantly hitting on both the waitresses who were assigned to the bar that night.

By this point in the night, the guys in question had clearly had a few shots of liquid encouragement, so that was obviously part of the problem. But as I watched them, I couldn’t help but to think what a bad idea it is hitting on your waitress.

She gets paid to be nice to you. And, if she plays her cards right, she gets paid extra to be extra nice. Of course she’s going to laugh at your jokes, even if they suck. Because guys are stupid, they assume this niceness equates interest, context be damned. So they continue to hit on the waitress, and she plays along, because that’s generally a good strategy if you want to maximize your tips.

Fellas, how many times do you think the cute waitress who works at a bar gets hit on? The answer: A LOT. If you’re gonna hit on a girl where she works, do it somewhere where she doesn’t get it 53 times a day.

It pains me to give you this advice too. Waitresses are hot. There’s something about a girl who goes and gets you food, and does it with a smile.

Song I Like And Therefore You Should Too

You know what your life needs? A little more banjo.

I wonder how many Irish people have drunkenly danced to this song?

Simpsons Quote

Kent Brockman: Springfield will have it’s first annual ‘Do What You Feel’ festival this Saturday-whenever you feel like showing up! It will be a welcome change to our ‘Do As We Say’ festival, started by German settlers in 1946.

Gambling Is Fun

I’m getting further and further away from that elusive .500 goal, going 1-2 last week. I’d be actually upset if it, you know, mattered.

Since it’s the NBA All-Star Game this weekend, looks like I’m stuck betting on hockey. So let’s go with the Red Wings to beat my Colorado Avalanche at home, where they’ve won their last 326 games. I’m also going to take Washington to beat the struggling Maple Leafs, since Washington is a much better team than their record indicates. And finally, I’m going to take the Boston Bruins to beat Ottawa, since starting goalie Craig Anderson is out, and he’s pretty much the reason Ottawa doesn’t completely suck.

Overall record: 23-29-2

A Post You Might Have Missed

I’m still reading Too Big To Fail. What does that have to do with my archives? Nothing, I thought you just might like to know. It’s a good book, if you’re into reading about financial crises.

Anyway, if you still haven’t contributed to your RRSP and are looking for some last minute ideas, this post I wrote a year ago has you covered. If you think RRSPs are stupid and are hoping for government pensions to cover for your retirement, then you are screwed.

The More You Know

Hey, did you know there are over 100,000 entries written in Finnish on Wikipedia? I bet you didn’t. NOW HIT ME.

The RRS Discovery was the last traditional wooden three-masted ship to be built in Britain. Designed for Antarctic research, she was launched in 1901. Her first mission was the British National Antarctic Expedition, carrying Robert Falcon Scott and Ernest Shackleton on their first, successful journey to the Antarctic, known as the Discovery Expedition. She is now the centrepiece of visitor attraction in her home, Dundee.

I watched an IMAX movie about Ernest Shackleton and his Antarctic crew once. It was creepy and I think I remember some cannibalism going on.

Dirty Word In Words With Friends

Pickings were pretty slim this week. I played load, which is dirty in the right context. I guess.

If you want to play me, my username is nelsmi. You will probably win. I kind of suck.

Babe Loosely Related To Finance

Young and Thrifty didn’t like last week’s pick, probably because she hates curling and all other things that are awesome. Fine Y&T, you win. No more curlers.

Instead, let’s go with Ashley Tisdale. She both sings and acts badly. But looks great doing it.

She should guest star in my bed.

Time For Links

Holy Potato finally got around to reviewing that copy of The Wealthy Barber Returns that I finally got around to sending him. And then he takes the opportunity to pimp his short guide to investing, which is actually quite good.

Kathryn’s Conversations gives us what every parent wants: a non-parent’s view on raising successful kids. Hint: be Asian.

It’s been what, 20 whole minutes since I linked to Control Your Cash? They take a look at how silly it is to focus on round number stock market benchmarks.

Len Penzo lists 4 cheap dining spots that people overlook. I can add a 5th – your parents’ house.

Congrats to Krystal from Give me back my five bucks is celebrating her 5 year blogoversary. If her blog was a kid, it would be grown up enough to no longer wet the bed. It would probably still wet the bed out of spite though.

Darwin’s Money lists 6 reasons why learning a foreign language is useless. Take that, foreigners. As I like to say, if you don’t speak English, I don’t want to talk to you.

Stuff I Wrote

Ways To Listen To Cheap Music over at Prairie Eco Thrifter.

Does Where You Live Matter over at Canadian Finance Blog.

Have a good week everyone.

 Posted by Nelson Smith at 12:39 pm

Is Blogging In A Bubble?

 Big Picture Stuff  68 Responses »
Feb 202012
 

The other morning, as I woke up after my usual 6 naked Taylor Swift dreams, I found the following email*:

Hi Uproar:

How would you like a few hundred bucks, just for putting a link on your blog?

Signed,

Some Advertiser

*Note, some details of this email have been changed, mostly because I’m too lazy to go find the real one**.

**Literally as I typed that last sentence, I got ANOTHER email about advertising on my blog.

I don’t take blogging that seriously. Basically, I try to take 7 penis jokes and turn them into a serious point about finance. Sometimes I succeed, most of the time I fail. I continue to be impressed that my readership continues to creep up. My Mom must be hitting refresh A LOT. I totally don’t pay her either. Anymore.

When it comes to my lax blogging attitude, I’m definitely in the minority. Most bloggers take the medium really seriously. They’re serious about making a sideline income online, dammit. With advertising offers literally falling out of the sky, I can’t say I blame them. For me, in about the last 8 months, blogging has gone from a fun hobby to a serious sideline business. I’m not going to tell you how much I’ve made or anything, but it’s enough money that it’s actually a lucrative activity. I’ve always dreamed of getting paid to make sex jokes, and you people have made it happen. Give yourselves a pat on the groin or something.

But yet, as I watch the medium evolve, I’m wondering if the boom we’re witnessing is sustainable. I do absolutely nothing to attract advertisers, yet they still contact me, increasingly more lately. Bloggers with more readers are experiencing an even bigger boom. Bloggers are increasingly using their expertise to leverage into more traditional media, doing things like writing books and appearing on radio and tv. Others choose to keep their work strictly online, writing for other bloggers or other internet based publications. The point? The market for blogging and blogging related services has exploded, and at least one blogger is concerned it isn’t sustainable.

As most of you know, Mike from The Financial Blogger is all over buying other financial blogs. Him and his silent partner own probably around half a dozen different sites at this point, with no intention of slowing down. He’s all about expanding his empire, even if he has to take on a lot of debt to do so. The guy has borrowed at almost credit card like rates (10%) in order to continue to expand his business.

Mike isn’t alone in this blog buying business though. This forum over at Yakezie has half a dozen bloggers who are interested in buying sites and milking that sweet, sweet PR teet. They range from the incredibly unrealistic (only willing to pay 2 times monthly revenue) to people who are willing to pay a much more generous figure of 18 to 24 times monthly revenue. This is increasingly becoming the industry norm, replacing 12 times monthly revenue as the norm. Not to be outdone, Mike has raised the stakes, indicating he’s now willing to pay up to 48 times monthly revenue, at least sometimes.

We have a market with rapidly rising valuations. Is that the sign of a bubble? Could be.

Meanwhile, we have all sorts of new competition. I can’t find the info on the Yakezie site, but there are approximately 3.2 million new blogs who are just jonesing to get into the club. Their favorite traffic metric is the Alexa rank, which ranks your site’s visitors who have downloaded Alexa’s toolbar.

I have absolutely no interest in joining Yakezie. After I type the next paragraphs, I’m sure I’ll be banned from ever applying to join, which is just fine by me.

Yakezie is nothing but a ponzi scheme, mixed with a dash of communism for good measure. It’s designed to benefit its benevolent ruler at the expense of the peons making up the bottom of the pyramid. There are so many problems with the business model that this humble blogger barely knows where to begin.

Exclusively using Alexa ranking to determine a site’s popularity is like using a dividend yield to exclusively determine an investment’s potential. Everybody in Yakezie visits each other’s sites, sometimes exclusively. Naturally, they all have the Alexa toolbar installed, meaning they’re artificially increasing each other’s rankings. I know of a certain few sites in the network that get considerably less traffic than I do, yet they kill me in Alexa ranking. You guys aren’t fooling everyone.

Do you know how many non-bloggers have the Alexa toolbar installed? I’ll tell you. ZERO.

Meanwhile, they all hang together. They link to each other exclusively, visit each other exclusively, and probably meet for circle jerks in real life. It’s really quite easy for a relatively new blog to get to a respectable level of traffic, all they need to do is have a pulse, join the Yakezie challenge, get linked to by all the other Yakezie blogs, and they get noticed.

How does this relate to a ponzi scheme? Well, like Bernie Madoff can attest, you need new suckers entrants in order to keep the whole thing going. If the network doesn’t grow, Google eventually figures out that only a few blogs are consistently linking to each other, hence reducing the effectiveness of the network. Plus, the benevolent ruler can continue to profit from the network, since it keeps getting bigger. He’s sure trying hard convince the challengers the network is for their benefit. Why do you think the slogan sounds like it came straight from Karl Marx?

And then, the ruler will write posts that do their best to discourage people from trying to make a living online.

I think we can add herd behavior to our bubble list.

Meanwhile, let’s take a look at the underlying industry. All the buzz these days is around the high tech names. Facebook is planning it’s IPO. Google is continuing to chug along. Everyone and their dog has an iPhone. Even companies like Amazon and Netflix are flying high. The whole sector is booming like it’s 1999 again.

To review, let’s take one last look at our bubble list. We have:

1) Easy money

2) Increasing valuations

3) Herd mentality

4) The entire sector is sizzling

So, yeah. 1929 just called. It wants its shtick back.

 Posted by Nelson Smith at 4:47 am

Sunday Morning Dump: Curling, Eh?

 Saturday Link Dump  4 Responses »
Feb 192012
 

Guess where I was yesterday? No ladies, I wasn’t lingering outside your window, hoping for a sexy silhouette. I’m sure I’ll end up doing that one of these days, so you should probably watch out for that. You never know when I’ll be creepily lingering outside your window. In fact, I’d start filling out the restraining order right now.

You’ll never guess where I was yesterday, unless you follow me on the Twitter. I went up to the bustling metropolis of Red Deer to watch some women’s curling. The Scotties Tournament of Hearts is the national championship for ladies curling, so at least I was watching quality, right?

Now, I have to admit, curling is kind of a guilty pleasure for me. I used to be the guy who made fun of people who like to watch curling. Is there anything more stereotypical than a Canadian liking curling? I feel like a bad punchline in a Jay Leno monologue. We picked up some Tim Horton’s on the way, because that’s just expected.

Anyway, as we go further down this week’s dump, you’ll see the real reason why I went to watch curling. My lust for women curlers has already been well documented.

Song I Like And Therefore You Should Too

2 songs this week! Aren’t you all lucky? They’re kind of both a package. Let me present the hastily made Cleveland tourism video.

And part 2:

Edit: Turns out you can’t embed the second one. Go check it out though.

Poor Cleveland.

Simpsons Quote

Homer: Hey Flanders! You smell like manure!

Ned Flanders: Uh oh… better cancel that dinner party tonight! Thanks for the nose news, neighbour!

Gambling Is Fun

Hey, I wonder if I can gamble on women’s curling? (Checks Bodog) Bummer. Looks like I’ll have to bet on real sports.

I went 2-1 again last week, which seems to be a pretty common score for me. I slowly work my way back to spitting distance of a .500 record, and then I go 0-3. IT NEVER FAILS. Have I mentioned how you should never actually bet on sports?

This week I’m going with my Colorado Avalanche to beat the Winnipeg Jets straight up, since everything to do with Winnipeg sucks. I’m also going to take the suddenly half decent Magic to cover against the Heat, plus the 9 points. The line for total points for Jeremy Lin is 19.5, and you know I have to take the over on that.

Overall record: 22-27-2

A Post You Might Have Missed

I have almost 400 posts in my archives. Why haven’t you read them all yet? What do you mean, you have a life? Okay fine, just read this one then.

A year ago, I predicted how food inflation was coming. And, like every single one of my predictions, it came true. Don’t bother checking the archives to verify that. I’m right all the time. Anyway, go check out the sneaky way food companies will make sure you’ll never notice food inflation.

The More You Know

I spent a bunch of time on Wikipedia on Friday night, instead of going out like the cool kids do. I started out reading about JFK, and an hour later I’d bounced around to reading about Sigmund Freud. Wikipedia is awesome like that. Random time!

Theresa Lee “Terry” Farrell (born November 19, 1963) is an American actress and former fashion model. She is perhaps best known for her performances in the television series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and Becker.

Farrell is the daughter of Kay Carol Christine Bendickson and Edwin Francis Farrell, Jr. Later, her mother married David W. Grussendorf, who adopted Terry and her sister, Christine. Before becoming a model, she played a Christmas elf at a mall in Cedar Rapids. In 1978, she left her hometown for a summer inMexico City as a foreign exchange student. She has since been fond of big cities, so in her junior year of high school, the nearly six feet tall Farrell submitted her image to the Elite modeling agency in New York City. Shortly after, at the age of 16, she was summoned to New York City and, within two days of arriving, had an exclusive contract with Mademoiselle.

Oh, Terry Farrell. Teenage Nelson may have had a crush on her.

Dirty Word In Words With Friends

Turd. I may have forfeited a word with more points just so I could play turd.

If you want to play me, my username is Nelsmi. Like 5 people have randomly started up games with me. You don’t want to be left out, do you?

Babe Loosely Related To Finance

The real reason I went to watch curling yesterday is because some of the curling chicks are hot. The days of curling being dominated by middle age ladies is drawing to a close, and this guy couldn’t be happier. Without further adieu, I present, from Team Manitoba, Kaitlyn Lawes.

The curling rock looks totally photoshopped in. You didn’t even notice the rock, did you?

I’m not sure about the picture location though. I half expect to see a drunk hobo stumbling around in the background.

Time For Links

First up is a post from a couple weeks ago from Weakonomics, about pricing at the humane society. It’s an interesting read, so go check it out. But come back, because I have abandonment issues.

Don’t Quit Your Day Job continues to deliver good stuff, yet they all refuse to quit their day jobs. Don’t they know that would amuse me? Anyway, go check out whether they think it’s a good idea to lie to your spouse about money, at least sometimes.

Five Cent Nickel thinks you should own your investments and rent your fun. This is the greatest advice given since a wise man once told me “bitches be crazy.”

Kevin from Thousandaire would sell his blog for $75k. Now, admittedly, Kevin isn’t really interested in selling, so he’s set the number high. Still, go check out the post to see all the ways real venture capital guys would eat him for breakfast.

It’s been what, 20 minutes since I last linked to Control Your Cash? Let’s change that by highlighting their post on some of the problems with investors looking strictly at dividends.

Dividend Ninja showed up over at my internet girlfriend Young and Thrifty’s blog, writing a terrific post looking at the similarities and differences between dividend and blog income.

Stuff I Wrote

If I had a million dollars over at Canadian Finance Blog. I’d probably waste it all on strippers.

The importance of having a will over at Sustainable PF. People are really bad at this.

Carnivals This Week

HOW DARE YOU MOCK ME FOR NOT SUBMITTING TO ANY CARNIVALS. HOW DARE YOU!!!

Have a good week everyone.

 Posted by Nelson Smith at 11:15 am
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