Considering I didn’t post much last week, I figured I owed you guys some content. What’s that? You don’t care?

Oh.

Well, too bad! You’re getting my content anyway, and you’re gonna like it. It’s kinda short, but what it lacks in number of words it will make up with awesomeness. Ah, who am I kidding? It’s just a list of strange things for sale on eBay. Let’s do this thing, before we all change our minds.

1. A rock shaped like a human foot

Do you have $998,500.25 (Canadian dollars) just burning a hole in your pocket? Have you always dreamed of owning a rock that kinda looks like a human foot? Then this auction is for you, stimpy.

His background story is the stuff of legend. I wish I was making this up:

My great grandfather came across this foot in the deep woods of Maine. He was out for his Sunday walk in the woods as usually. It was a bright and sunny day, just a gorgeous day. As he was walking his normal route he saw something he has never seen before up ahead. It was two huge trees that where arched as though they where a door way or passageway to somewhere. As he got closer he could see a glow of shimmery light reflecting out.
It was so bright he could not see what was beyond the archway. Curious he decided to step into the archway, he had to shut his eyes the light was so bright. As he step through he could feel a light cool mist on his face and beneath his feet became cushioned and light. When he opened his eyes the sight he saw amazed him. He described it to be like Emerald city.

There’s more to the story if you click through to the listing. A lot more. I wonder how much opium great grandpa had before his walk?

2. A Sex Doll

What should you get that single guy in your life who seems to have everything? Why, his very own silicone sex doll, that’s what.

It’s a “hauntingly beautiful and extremely real looking doll for a wide variety of applications.” Does that mean I can take it out for dinner? It is pretty realistic looking, but it’s pretty creepily young. Seriously, click through. It looks like it’s a doll someone made of a 14 year old girl.

It’s only $800. Is that a good price for a sex doll? I’d recommend buying several, since “there will be substantial savings if you order in bulk.” You could have your own harem of sex dolls.

3. Stained Underwear Safe

I’m not sure if this next one is genius or full blown crazy. It’s a safe that resembles a pair of dirty undies, complete with skid marks. Really big skid marks. There’s hidden compartments inside the undies, where you put your cash, cards or whatever, as long as it’s small. They say that the best place to hide stuff is in plain sight, so maybe this underwear safe is onto something. Or maybe it’s creepy. I’m not entirely sure.

4. A French Fry Wrapper That Looks Like The Virgin Mary

Yes!

The starting price is $819.10. Do you guys think I could avoid my inevitable trip to hell if I bought it?

5. A Guide To Hookers In Thailand

I’m curious. Are there actually guys who go to Thailand and can’t find a hooker? Well, if there are, then this book is for them. Maybe Andrew Hallam could weigh in on this one.

Unknown until this very moment, I have written my own guide to girls in Thailand. I’m only charging $9.99. Want a free preview? Of course you do.

“Getting girls in Thailand is simple. Show up. Hang out alone, they will approach you. And for the love of God, wear a condom.”

Crap. I just gave you the whole book for free.

6. Real Moose Crap Earings

“Baby, what’s that smell? Is that a new perfume?”

7. Bacon Flavored Toothpaste

I have a bit of an unhealthy love of bacon, but that’s just taking it too far.

That’s it kids. No, you can’t have the last 5 minutes of your life back.

Tell everyone, yo!