Recently, I was tagged by the powerful and attractive PK from Don’t Quit Your Day Job, in what has to be the lamest game of tag ever. (Or maybe the best. Have you played tag in the last 20 years? It sucks.) Anyway, that was a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been waiting for just the perfect time to answer the 11 pressing questions that are just begging for my attention.

Well, I’m tired, and don’t really want to write anything that involves, you know, any thought. So, here’s what you get. Don’t like it? I’M SORRY, PLEASE DON’T GO! Come back tomorrow, I promise it’ll be entertaining. In the meantime, I’ll do my best to not bore you for the next three minutes. Ready?

1. Would you rather be 8 feet tall and 100 pounds or 2 feet tall and 800 pounds?

What the hell kind of question is that? Really, PK?

If I had to choose one, I’d be the really skinny tall guy. There’s got to be chicks out there who have a fetish for super tall guys, even if they have no muscle mass, right? Plus, I could actually walk around and stuff, provided there wasn’t a crisp breeze that blew me over. If I was 2 feet tall and 800 pounds, all I’d be able to do is sit on the couch and watch tv, while somebody fed me, since my arms wouldn’t be able to reach my mouth…

On second thought, make me 2 ft 800 lbs. That sounds like my dream life.

2. Pick one: Canada, United States, Mexico.  Explain why it is superior to the other two.

Let’s Go Canada! (Clap-clap-clapclapclap)

Canada and America are pretty similar, except my country is cleaner, safer,  filled with sexier women, less crowded, and the best at hockey. (Also curling) All the United States has on us is better weather – in like half the country. Big deal. California is filled with weird people, New Yorkers are just plain jerks. The entire midwest is fat and stupid, and the entire south is stupid and fat. The only part of America that’s any good is Maine, and that’s cause it’s practically Canada. And, you guys elected George W. Bush. Twice. Well, technically once.

Meanwhile, we have Mexico, where 3.2 million people per day get caught in drug violence crossfire. A full 80% of their food gives you diarrhea, and whatever you do, DON’T DRINK THE WATER. The only part of the country that anybody wants to visit is doing its best impression of America. The Americans had to build a fence along the border because everyone who lives in Mexico wants the hell out of Mexico. It’s too damn hot, and I’m sure I’d hate it if I ever visited.

So, yeah, go Canada.

3. What is the best type of Personal Finance Writer?  (Think of writer archetypes – Investor, Debt Blogger, Wild-card, Contrarian…)

Is there a category for horny guys who relentlessly make bad sex jokes and then somehow try to weave those jokes into an informative personal finance posts? I’d go with that category, assuming it exists.

4. Lump sum investing versus dollar cost averaging…  Which is better?

For the average guy who is saving for his retirement, he should dollar cost average. That way he’s not trying to time the market, pretending he knows what he’s doing.

For the remaining 10% who invest in individual securities, keep lump sums available for good opportunities.

5. In the Led Zeppelin song Stairway to Heaven, what does the lyric “to be a rock and not to roll” mean?  Bonus points if you can somehow work Boleskine House into your answer.

What. The. Eff.

I refuse to answer this question on grounds that it’s stupid. I have some sort of Led Zeppelin greatest hits album, and it sucks. There’s like two good songs (Rock and Roll, Immigrant Song and maybe Ramble On) They might be the most overrated band in history. Bands that break up during their peak generally become overrated.

6. What’s your favorite dinosaur?

Ron Paul

7. Paper or Plastic?

Plastic, clearly. I recycle them and use them for my garbage.

Back when I used to work in a grocery store, there was always one lady who insisted on paper in plastic, because she wanted to make my life miserable. So I did what any enterprising young individual would – I filled the CRAP out of those bags. Don’t screw with the bag boy.

8. If you had to pick, would you consider yourself a dog-person or a cat-person?

Even though I’m definitely a dog person, I would own a cat before I owned a dog. Dogs are just too high maintenance. They always need to go outside and pee. They’re always chewing on stuff and running around and stuff. Cats are the perfect pet for the lazy man. They don’t do anything but sleep, eat and poo. They like you when you get home for the day for like 20 minutes, and then they leave you alone for the night. That’s my kind of pet.

9. What would you do with an extra $100,000?


Nah, I’d probably put it on the mortgage. An extra $100k would almost take care of it.

10. What’s the best thing you ever purchased?

Oh geez, I dunno. Some Lays chips?

My car has definitely been a plus. I like being able to go wherever the hell I want. Does my house count if I still owe money on it?

11. Would you rather lose your phone or the internet for a week?

Easily the phone. I hate talking on the phone. I’m always talking over people, interrupting them. Things distract me, I never know when people are kidding, and a full 85% of the population think that spelling and grammar rules don’t apply for text messages. I’d be quite okay if I exclusively communicated via email.

When I went to Vegas, I told everyone I know not to call me for the whole week. It was probably the 2nd best part of my whole vacation. (The buffets were the first.)

I’m not going to bother to tag anybody, since I’m altogether too lazy to track down whether my blogging pals have been tagged. So I’ll just post 11 questions, and feel free to answer them if you want. I’m tagging everybody. If you let me know you’ve answered them, I’ll link to your answers or something.

1. How handsome is Nelson? Very handsome or devilishly handsome?
2. Who is your ultimate celebrity crush? (If you take Taylor Swift, I will fight you.)
3. Turn your ipod onto random. What’s the next song that comes up?
4. Coke or Pepsi?
5. What’s the last finance related book you read?
6. What’s the deal with airline food?
7. Facial hair: Yay or nay?
8. Will you buy an Ipad 3?
9. If you were given $50k with the condition it could only be invested in one stock, which would it be? (ETFs don’t count)
10. What do you wear to bed?
11. Baseball is the best sport.

Tell everyone, yo!