You guys never thought you’d see the day, did you? It’s true. Your old pal Nelson is actually going to write a post on a frugal tip. Hell, if this series isn’t universally hated, I might even write a few more, depending on the number and quality of ideas I have. As you guessed from the title (unless you have the intelligence of a waffle) this post is going to be about TV.

You’ve all probably heard that there are internet options for TV. Like, did you know, that various networks will put their latest season of shows online? Or that Netflix exists, and that it has all sorts of old shows on it? Oh, you already did? Then can someone explain to me why every single blog still continues to point that out? Right, they’re morons.

Besides, cutting cable sucks. First of all, it turns you into an insufferable douche. Cable cutters always feel the need to tell everyone they know how they cut cable, especially when any sort of topic even remotely close to TV comes up. If one of those people shows up in the comments, you all have my permission to mock their tiny penis. Even if it’s a girl. I don’t eat Old Dutch chips, but you don’t hear me being all annoying about it. What does that have to do with cable? Never mind.

If you’re a sports fan, cable is the greatest thing since that time the waitress leaned over the table and I caught a nice view of cleavage. (Mmm… cleavage) The major sports networks show all sorts of different games. The minor, regional sports networks show all sorts of regional games. The major networks dabble in showing sports, usually on the weekends. If you’re really ambitious, you can buy packages to watch every single game of every single major professional league. I don’t think there’s an Arena Football package, because Arena Football is worse than cancer.

Sure, at first glance, buying the (say) NHL package looks expensive. Up here, it’s like $200 per year. It looks expensive, until you compare it to the cost of actually going to a game. If you take your girlfriend someone who actually likes sports to an NHL game, you’re looking at $200 minimum, and that’s if you sit in the crummy seats. Buying the package ends up being a pretty good deal, providing you replace going to games with it.

Plus, if you don’t have cable, you’re not going to be able to catch the big game. On Monday you’ll go to work, and your boss will ask you if you caught the game on Sunday. When you say no, he’ll go chat with that co-worker you hate about it. They’ll build rapport, and then you won’t get promoted. Reason #5367 you suck.

Or, you can do what one personal finance blogger actually suggested: go follow the game online on one of those live scoring update sites. Oh yes, that’s just like being there. A goldfish could come up with a better idea, and I’m not talking about that talking goldfish on American Dad.

Sorry, I got distracted there. Cable is awesome, you just don’t want to pay for it. I understand. Now that you’ve read through 500 words of filler, here’s how you get cheap satellite TV, at least in Canada. I’m not sure if this works in the U.S., but it definitely works here.

First off, you need to move into a house that already has a satellite dish installed. You can pay somebody to install one if needed, but don’t call the company to do it for you. Find someone who’ll install the dish, get everything set up, but don’t call the satellite company.

Step two, find a friend who already has service with that company. Get them to go down to the store and buy another receiver. If you’re nice, you’ll pay them back for it. Once they activate it on their account, take it back to your house. Offer to pay for a quarter of their satellite bill, or maybe repay them using your body, assuming you’re either attractive or they’re desperate.

That’s it. Once everything is hooked up, you’ll have TV, without the monthly bill. You’re limited to whatever viewing package your friend has, so here’s hoping he’s got all the porn.

This works because the receiver isn’t smart enough to know it’s using the wrong satellite dish. Satellite companies would never admit it publicly, but that’s why there’s that $5.00 per month charge for an additional receiver on your bill.

If you’re feeling really ambitious, you could charge like 4 people $50 per month, and actually make money on TV. What’s the worst that could happen? Is Bell TV going to send the mob to your door? Is Shaw going to go beat up a baby seal?

This is kind of a moral grey area. You kids can argue all about the morality in the comments. All Frugal Tips That Don’t Suck (or NAMBLA for short) cares about is saving you cash. Save the morality for church or something.

Tell everyone, yo!