Remember when I updated you all on the first quarter results of the stock picking contest, where everyone was kicking ass and taking names? Well, after I screwed it up the first time, anyway. If I’m anything, it’s stupid. Don’t make fun of me. I have feelings.

Anyhoo, what a difference a few months makes. In the first three months of 2012, the S&P 500 was up 12%, excluding dividends. Buoyed by the rising markets, every competitor was up. I was only able to make fun of a couple of people for sucking, which made this activity much less fun. I should really be less mean to my blogger friends.

As you’ve probably heard, you know, everywhere, the markets have had a tough time lately. The S&P 500 has fallen a little over 3% from the last time we looked at results, and that was partially thanks to a 2.5% gain on Friday alone. Well done markets, going up so we look less like morons. You’ll see why in a couple minutes.

Let’s get to the crapshow results. Most bloggers are down from last quarter, and some are down significantly. But first, the dartboard portfolio:

White Bear Resources: -42.1%
International Forest Products: +18.6%
Homeaway: -5.3%
Shaw Communications Preferred Series A: +0.0%

Total: -7.2%

The dartboard portfolio was outperformed by… everybody. Nice work guys.

As you probably remember, Sustainable PF was leading the competition because of an impressive showing by Medical Marijuana Inc., which is all the proof I need to label the folks from that particular blog as BEATNIK HIPPIE STONERS, GET A JOB AND A HAIRCUT.

Enough teasing. Results time:

1. Money Mamba +24.9%

OF COURSE JT is winning. Thanks to his top pick Adams Golf being bought out by Adidas, one of his picks was immune from the general market weakness that dragged down everyone else’s results. And yet, he was bitching because I forced him to lock in a 67% gain, instead of being able to reinvest that money somewhere else. I think you should all mortgage the farm and give the money to JT. He totally won’t pull a Bernie Madoff with it.

2. Fabulously Broke (now Mochi and Macrons) +22.0%

What’s awesome about her entry is she admittedly knows nothing about stocks, she just picked shares of companies she liked. Each one of her stocks is up, the laggard is Chipolte, up a measly 12%. I take it back, give all your money to MM. She will probably use it to buy large amounts of food and a love nest for her and me. DON’T TRY AND KEEP US APART.

3. Sustainable PF +18.5%

The stoners are still in respectable shape, but were really hurt when their Medical Marijuana fell from 5.7 cents per share to 2.59 cents. If you’re looking to load up, buying 10,000 shares will only set you back $259. You can get 20,000 shares for the price of an iPad. I guarantee watching it go up and down would be more fun than Angry Birds.

4. Young And Thrifty +16.7%

Thanks to ghetto grocery store, Dollarama, Young and Thrifty has bounded up the standings, going from 12th all the way up to 4th. Damn her, starting off all coy and junk, just baiting us into feeling sorry for her.

The funny thing is Y&T only added Dollarama as an afterthought. Her original pick was going to be Sun Life Insurance, which is also up, but not nearly as much as the Rama.

5. Don’t Quit Your Day Job +12.0%

Aww dammit. If they keep this up, they might actually be thinking about quitting their day jobs. I hear being a hobo pays well.

6. Thousandaire +10.2%

Kevin has recently switched his focus from investing in the stock market to paying off debt, but his stock picks aren’t doing too bad. Kevin picked two banks (Bank of America and Citi) and their crappy performance over the quarter has dragged down his results. Reason #348 to hate Europe. (Reason #1: hairy armpits)

7. My University Money +7.8%

Meh. I’m starting to run out of jokes.

8. Boomer and Echo +7.7%

I approached the younger half of this duo like 2 weeks ago to borrow his newborn daughter so I could use her to pick up chicks in the park, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. What an ass.

Oh, and his picks are doing okay too. If it wasn’t for Teck Resources dragging him down, Echo would be doing pretty well.

9. Control Your Cash +7.4%

CYC’s fall from 3rd place last time has to do with one stock: Netflix. It fell from north of $115 at the end of Q1 to $68.49 as I type this. If it keeps going down, soon they’re going to have to feature themselves as the financial retards of the month.

10. Nelson’s Buddy Dale +4.2%

He’s gonna be happy he’s beating me. He’ll trash talk me, but he’s kind of special, so his hurtful words will have little effect. If you guys need me, I’ll be hanging my head in shame.

11. Canadian Personal Finance +2.1%

Way to shrug off the adversity of finishing last at the end of Q1, only to finish… slightly better. So, yay for that?

12. Financial Uproar +1.4%

STUPID RIM. AT LEAST I’M NOT LAST.

13. Holy Potato -2.0%

HA! Let’s all point and laugh at his crappy stock picking. What kind of moron picks RIM?

Also, because I completely forgot about them the first time around, the results from the peanut gallery, AKA the comment section.

Seanigan: -3.9% (HA. He’d be in last place)
My Own Advisor: +8.7% (He would not be in last place)

That’s about it. Should I mail JT his gift card now, or wait until the end of the year?

Tell everyone, yo!