I’m sure most of you read Archie Comics as kids. They were pretty popular, at least in my neck of the woods. I had hundreds of them, my parents smartly bought them at yard sales for pennies on the dollar. Paying full retail is for suckers, obviously.
As I was waiting in Wal-Mart’s back room on Friday, I started talking to the lady who fills the magazines. As we were chatting, I noticed the newest edition of Archie, ready to go on the shelf. After groaning about the price ($4.59, what a rip-off) I noticed what was happening on the cover. Archie was on a boat, with Betty and Veronica, and he was MAKING OUT WITH BOTH OF THEM. Jughead poked his head up from underneath and asked how everything was going up there, Archie responded with some lame joke about how things were pretty fine.
Firstly, the only time a guy is allowed to make out with two girls at once is when the girls also like making out with girls. Betty and Veronica constantly fight for Archie’s attention, yet seem to be tolerant when he just takes turns with the two of them. Do Betty and Veronica secretly like each other in that way? NELSON SURE HOPES SO.
Also, does nobody in Riverdale actually stay monogamous? Archie dates Betty and Veronica, Reggie splits his time between Veronica and Midge, even though Moose beats him up. (In real life, Reggie would obviously call the cops on Moose) Meanwhile, we have Jughead, who is apparently a 17 year old guy who isn’t really interested in girls. Jughead is gay, right?
Meanwhile, depending on the story, Archie is either a bumbling idiot, a clumsy moron who trips over his own two feet, practically a genius or the star athlete who makes the winning shot. Archie is more inconsistent than Heidi Montag’s breast size.
Song I Like And Therefore You Should Too
Remember that song by Paris Hilton? It was kinda catchy, right?
Just kidding. Have I featured this song before? I’m too lazy to look, so screw it. It’s good enough to feature twice. Everything U2 has come out with since Beautiful Day is trash. I wouldn’t make my worst enemy listen to their last couple albums.
Groundskeeper Willie (Teaching French): Boujourrrrr! You cheese eating surrender monkeys!
Gambling Is Fun
Kobe Bryant got into some hot water recently when he suggested the 2012 Dream Team could beat the 1992 Dream Team. Am I the only one who thinks he’s 100% right? Think about how seriously athletes take their fitness now. That would make all the difference.
I went 2-1 last week, so I’m going to continue betting against Houston, taking the surprising Pittsburgh Pirates to beat them, straight up. I’m also going to go with the Yankees to beat the reeling Red Sox. It makes me happy when the Sox suck. Finally, I’m taking the U.S. women minus 1.5 goals against North Korea. BOW BEFORE THE SUPERIOR FORCE OF CAPITALISM.
Overall record: 48-63-3
A Post You Might Have Missed
I’d just like to thank whoever it was who went through about 35 pages of my archives the other day. You clearly need more of a life.
Do you know what are stupid? Performance reviews. Bosses are motivated to give crappy ones so employees have little leverage for a raise. Employees then respond by kissing ass rather than doing things that might be unpopular. The whole process is stupid and I think smart companies should rethink the whole process.
The More You Know
My quest to slowly rip off all my blog content from Wikipedia goes along, unabated. I’ve heard encyclopedias are written at a 6th grade reading level. That’ll increase the reading level 4 grade levels around here.
Caroline Wozniacki (Polish pronunciation: [voʑˈɲatski], Danish pronunciation: [vɔsniæ'ki]; born 11 July 1990) is a Danish professional tennis player. She is a former world no. 1 on the WTA Tour. As of 23 January 2012, she held this position for 67 weeks. She is the first Scandinavian woman to hold the top ranking position and 20th overall.
Since her WTA debut in 2005, she has improved her year-end ranking each year until finishing on top in both 2010 and 2011. She has won 18 WTA singles titles as of August 2011, three in 2008, three in 2009, six in 2010 (the most since Justine Henin’s ten in 2007), and six in 2011. She was runner-up at the 2009 US Open and the 2010 WTA Tour Championships in Doha to Kim Clijsters. She won the 2006 Wimbledon Girls’ Singles title but has yet to win a women’s Grand Slam title. She also holds two WTA titles in doubles.
Caroline Wozniacki is attractive. She’d be the babe of the week, but I’ve already picked out someone. It’s the first time she’s ever been rejected.
Dirty Word In Words With Friends
I played ‘lover’ and then ‘sex’ in consecutive turns against friend of the blog Blooperty. She obviously didn’t get the hint, since I’m still going to sleep alone tonight.
If you want to play me, my user is ‘Nelsmi’. But if you cheat (like a certain player who claimed he came up with ‘aequorin’ all on his own) I’m probably not going to tolerate it.
Babe Loosely Related To Finance
The Olympics are on, and apparently the athletes are humping like a bunch of horny bunnies. Have you seen some of the chicks? Hot damn.
This is Kaylyn Kyle, who plays forward for Team Canada’s Olympic soccer team, along with starring in my dirty dreams. She seems to be single, so she’s probably going to have some fun in London… WITH NELSON. I mean some other guy named Nelson. Bastard.
Don’t Quit Your Day Job thinks the U.S. Government should tax fast food to help pay for their new health care bill. I’m cool with this, as long as they don’t tax chips, which are scientifically proven to make your penis/boobs bigger, more charming, and will even make you smell better. Just not Old Dutch chips. Those give you diarrhea.
Len Penzo goes with some recycled content this week, but it’s still good quality, so I’m going to go with it. It’s a list of secrets grocery stores use to get suckers like you to pay more. As a former grocer, I can confirm all these dirty tricks, plus I’ll add another. We’d flip over eggs with small cracks so people wouldn’t discover them until they got home. Oh, don’t be so outraged.