Oh baby, it’s about to get all creepy up in here.
Over the last month or so, I’ve been asking my
terrible awesome readers for their input on an issue that’s affecting all of North America – which woman businesses news personality is the hottest? I’ve narrowed the field down to 16, which will then be narrowed down again, until we have a winner. Don’t forget to go back and vote for your favorites in both round 1 and round 2. Don’t worry, all votes are anonymous. I won’t tell anybody about your clear redhead fetish. (Note: I am clearly the only person with a redhead fetish)
Without further adieu, let’s check out this week’s contestants. Feel free to start panting like a dog now. We all know I am.
1. Sara Eisen
SHE COULD BLOOM MY BERG.
First up is the lovely Sara Eisen from Bloomberg TV, instantly making me hate Michael Bloomberg 71% more. And I already don’t care for him. Stupid soda ban.
She’s a general correspondent along with a regular contributor to some show called “Bloomberg Surveillance.” I don’t know, I don’t get that channel. Unlike Fox Business, it’s actually an option up here, and I used to have it. I even paid extra for it, foolishly thinking that I couldn’t have enough business channels. That experiment ended a few months later because I didn’t actually watch the damn thing. That must have been before Sara’s time.
She holds a master’s degree in broadcast journalism from hoity-toity Northwestern university, meaning she’s altogether too good for guys like us. In her spare time she enjoys staying the hell away from me and getting restraining orders against me. Like I’d let that stop me.
Sara is on the Twitter. Unlike Paulina Gretzky’s timeline, there is a disturbing lack of bikini shots.
And by the way, Google Sara’s name. It’s kind of awesome what the first couple results are.
2. Maria Bartiromo
THE ORIGINAL MONEY HONEY
Joe from Timeless Finance will be happy with our next contestant, Maria Bartiromo. Maria is well into her 40s, and has been on CNBC for as long as I’ve been watching it, so at least a decade now. She was the woman we all ogled before all these new hotties came along. She’s the business channel equivalent to jerking it to the Sears’ catalog bra section.
Besides being on CNBC for the last 5739 years, Maria also has written 3 books, gotten married back in 1999, and has become the go-to television interview when somebody needs a business expert. Hey, if I had a show, I’d totally invite her on. Then we’d talk about business and go for milkshakes. THE JOKE WON’T DIE.
She’s on Twitter. She’s about as good at it as you’d expect a mid 40s woman to be.
3. Kayla Tausche
SHE COULD REPORT… IN MY PANTS
Up next is Kayla Tausche, who has been a general reporter for CNBC since 2011. I know you’re wondering, her last name is pronounced tao-shee. Or, if you’re like me, just call her baby. Like her name is important.
Kayla looks like she’s all of 23 years old, but she’s been around the block. Before joining CNBC she was a reporter for a publication called DealReporter, which deals with merger arbitrage stuff. And before that she worked for Bloomberg and for the Associated Press. If she’s trying to impress me, it’s working. Although she’s probably not.
There’s not much more to say about Kayla. She’s on the Twitter, and she’s actually pretty active. Out of all the ladies here, she’s probably the one most worthy of a follow.
4. Mandy Drury
BETTER THAN VEGEMITE
Rounding out this round is the one and only Mandy Drury, who wins the title of sexiest accent on business TV hands down. Mandy started her career in Australia, where she worked for CNBC until 2010, when they shipped her over to America. They got rid of her probably because her love for showing off her spectacular cleavage on the air caused Australian productivity to plunge 97%.
Mandy graduated from college in 1990, which puts her on the north side of 40. Can you believe it? Be sure to compliment her on it if you ever see us out together drinking milkshakes and talking about business. She’s married, but like I’d let that stop me.
Oh, and according to her Wikipedia page, Mandy “is a sponsor of a World Vision child.” Whoop de freaking do. It’s nice she sponsors a World Vision kid and all, but your Wikipedia page is pretty weak if it has to resort to saying that.
She’s on Twitter as well, and she’s actually pretty good at it. Except she never responds when I tell her we should run away together.
Voting time! If you’re reading this via RSS or email, get off yo lazy ass and go vote. Your country needs you, in perhaps its most important hour of perving chicks on TV. Remember to vote for your top 2 choices. Or just vote for 1. What do I care?
That’s about it kids. Stay tuned for next week, when we’ll run part 4 of this series, assuming I don’t get served a cease and desist order from someone’s lawyer.