Because my job is better than yours, I get paid every week. I also get paid commission, which is another reason my job is better than yours, but I digress. Anyway, each and every week I get an envelope that contains my paystub. There’s no cheque or anything, (probably because this isn’t 1985) just a sheet of paper which outlines all the usual stuff – gross pay, deductions, the kickback I give to the company so they continue to employ me, etc. I get 52 of these every year.
Since I don’t live near the office, these paystubs have to be sent out to me. They usually get sent out with a few other things, the company combines them all into one big envelope every couple weeks or so. Am I the only one who sees the glaring inefficiencies in this system?
There are probably a thousand guys just like me across Canada. That’s 50,000 paystubs that are getting mailed out. I’m estimating that it costs the company at least 50 cents a piece to produce and send all these out. And why? Couldn’t the same thing be accomplished by sending everybody out an email?
And while we’re on office efficiency topics, can we do away with all conference calls? Nobody likes them. Nobody listens to what the blowhard has to say on the other end. Nobody ever has any questions at the end of it because nobody gives a rat’s ass. Conference calls are just something middle management uses to make it look like they’re doing something.
Song I Like And Therefore You Should Too
There’s a new Taylor Swift album coming out in exactly 9 days. Aren’t you guys proud of me that I’ve kept my emotions contained? I CAN’T ANYMORE I JUST LOVE HER SO MUCH OMGGGGGGGGG!
This is Burn The Evidence by Billy Talent. I’m not sure if I’ve already featured this song. If I have, please accept this giant fart in apology.
TV Host: Tonight on ‘Rock Bottom,’ we go undercover at a sex farm for sex hookers!
Farmer: Ah keep tellin’ ya, ah jest grow sorghum here.
TV Host: Uh-huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: ‘Round back. …Whoops.
Gambling Is Fun
Oh goody, another 0-3 week. If you combine that with the craptacular 1-2 week before, you sure do get an extraordinary amount of suckiness. I blame everything and everybody except myself.
I’m going to start off by taking the San Francisco Giants to beat the St. Louis Cardinals. I’m sure St. Louis will win the series, mostly because they cannot lose in the playoffs. They’re like a playoff zombie or something. I’m also going with Tampa Bay to beat Kansas City minus the 4 points, along with Arizona minus 4 points against Buffalo. Apparently I like betting on 4 point favorites.
Overall record: 61-80-3
A Post You Might Have Missed
I have no preamble here. I just want you all to know I got my new iPad and it is THE FREAKIN’ BEST. I’ve downloaded so many games and sometimes I read other blogs on it and then I check my email and after that I like to take pictures of my penis using the camera. I am a child in a man’s body.
For some reason, the big meanies fine folks at Control Your Cash let me host the Carnival of Wealth once. Yeah, I’m sure what they were thinking either. Still, you know it was 99.92% more entertaining than every other carnival out there. 99.92% meaner too.
Nelson’s So Funny
I’m on Twitter. You’re on Twitter. Everybody’s on Twitter, even our moms. Twitter isn’t cool anymore.
I’m pretty sure that some of the sound effects for this Mahjong game are racist.
I can make fun of Asian people because they’re all smarter than me and will eventually take over my job. Hopefully they will find me amusing enough to keep around.
The More You Know
When I finally get bored and pull the plug on this God awful blog, I’ll just redirect financialuproar.com to the random page of Wikipedia. That’s when you’ll know.
Triumph of the Will (German: Triumph des Willens) is a propaganda film made by Leni Riefenstahl. It chronicles the 1934 Nazi Party Congress in Nuremberg, which was attended by more than 700,000 Nazi supporters. The film contains excerpts from speeches given by various Nazi leaders at the Congress, including portions of speeches by Adolf Hitler, interspersed with footage of massed party members. Hitler commissioned the film and served as an unofficial executive producer; his name appears in the opening titles. The overriding theme of the film is the return of Germany as a great power, with Hitler as the True German Leader who will bring glory to the nation.
I’m sure this movie was terrible. It’s still probably better than anything starring Miley Cyrus.
Dirty Word In Words With Friends
Which do you guys prefer – peeing or whore? HOW ABOUT A PEEING WHORE?
If you want to play me, my user is ‘nelsmi’. I will bark like a dog. For no reason, I just like barking like a dog.
Babe Loosely Related To Finance
In keeping with the British theme of last week, we have some chick named Jennifer Ellison.
Damn pesky bra. Why won’t you just go away? I should also point out that, according to Wikipedia, Jennifer won the prestigious “rear of the year” award in 2008. I hereby volunteer to judge this competition in the future.
Time For Links
This week’s top spot goes to a blog that’s totally not topical, Timeless Finance. (See what I did there?) Joe points out the differences between micro and macro frugality and how one is a waste of time. You’ll just have to click through to see which one. Yep, I’m a teaser.
My girl Makin Sense Babe showed up over at Budget’s Are Sexy this week, where she pointed out that, when it comes to money, that women are just as shallow as men are about looks. And yet she still didn’t answer how much I’d have to make before she’ll go out with me. If it’s more than $7,000 per year, I’m totally in.
Vanessa, over at the aptly named Vanessa’s Money, uses math and pretty graphs to figure out that laser printers are cheaper than inkjet ones. This is important information if you’re looking to circulate 5000 flyers with pictures of your penis on them.
I’ve actually made an effort lately not to link to Control Your Cash. Not because their content wasn’t good, because it always is. I just wanted to switch things up a bit. Anyway, they’re back, and they point out that boring investments are often the most profitable ones. They’re right, of course. It’s still not going to stop me from reminding everyone that they picked Netflix for the stock picking contest.