Because hey, I realize I have to bribe you guys to keep you around. Why else would you come here? The content is crap, the author is clearly not funny, and absolutely none of the cool kids are around. There are more spelling and grammar mistakes than a Mexican ESL class. At least there’s a picture of a hot chick every week.

So now, rather than try to give you guys some good content, I’m just going to turn into Krusty the Klown:

Krusty: All right, here’s the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you (holds up a cheque) FORTY DOLLARS!

Voiceover: Cheques will not be honored.

I’m not going to admit how much time I spent trying to find that video clip. I’m sure Einstein came up with the theory of relativity in less time.

All right, that’s enough preamble. Let’s get to the good stuff. THAT’S RIGHT KIDS, HERE’S PICTURES OF NELSON IN A THONG!

(I actually just Googled “man thong” and I am, well, traumatized. Also, can somebody come over and clean up my vomit?)

Let’s look at the prizes.

Two (2) $25 Future Shop Gift Cards

They sell lots of electronics that can be used to access porn

I’ve actually been kicked out of all Future Shops forever because I used a video camera for a sex tape and then didn’t delete the sex tape when I returned the camera. The camera also, uh, had some stains on it.

Hopefully you haven’t gotten kicked out of the store so you can use one of the two gift cards to buy someone special a little something nice for Christmas. Or, if you really hate someone, I’m pretty sure they sell Britney Spears CDs.

But wait, some of you are saying, I’m an American, and have little use for your crappy Canadian retailers. My country is better than yours in every way. Well, except the health care. And obesity rates. Plus the education system sucks and crime is kind of rampant. But besides all that, America is awesome.

Don’t fret American, you also get some gift cards.

Two (2) $25 Amazon Gift Cards

That doesn't look like a forest. Or a river.

If you win one you can buy whatever you want with it. Hell, you can even flush it down the toilet for all I care.

Here’s the way the draw is going to work. I’m going to draw 4 names and then divvy up the prizes based on your nationalities. If I draw 3/4 American readers then I’ll just pony up the extra $25 and give away 3 Amazon gift cards, leaving me 1 remaining Future Shop card. Do you guys think a stripper would take a gift card?

Oh wait kids, there’s more.

Nelson’s Plunger and Underpants

Yes, that's my actual bathroom

Don’t worry, I totally washed the underpants. I cannot promise the same for the plunger.

5 Free Slurpees

Not pictured: your dental bills

Yeah, it’s kinda the wrong season for Slurpees, but screw it. They’re awesome. If you don’t like it, hang onto them until summer. You won’t make it to February.

A Copy of Too Big To Fail

Honestly, this is probably the best prize of the whole lot. All those gift cards? THEY’RE CRAP.

I read this book on the way back from Las Vegas in February, so this book is WORLDLY. It is a terrific look at the financial crisis of 2008-09, with a focus on the bigwigs who worked for the big banks. It is 550 pages of the most riveting material you’ll ever read about banking crises, I promise.

A Copy of Your Money Ratios

I have no idea what this book is about. My internet girlfriend Young and Thrifty sent it out to me, and I don’t even think I cracked it open. So it’s a surprise!

Here’s what Amazon has to say about it:

A troubled economy calls for answers. People need sound, easy-to-follow financial advice that can be implemented immediately. For the first time, a leading financial adviser has developed a remarkable set of guidelines to give individuals the same kind of objective insight into their personal finances that successful businesses have. Your Money Ratios will help readers effectively manage debt, invest prudently, and develop a realistic and effective savings plan to ensure both financial success and security. Readers need only plug their income and age into Farrell’s ratios to get an instant picture of their savings status and overall financial health, as well as a road map for the important choices for the future.

That might be fun.

Hey Nelson, how do I enter?

GREAT QUESTION. You have a few options:

1. Leave a comment (1 entry)

2. Tweet about the contest. (1 entry) Make sure to mention me (@financialuproar) or else I’ll never know that you mentioned it.

3. Link to the contest from your blog (2 entries) Let me know if you do, since the trackback may get caught in spam hell.

I ain’t shipping anything overseas. So if you live in Estonia you’re out of luck.

I’ll announce the winners on Sunday, December 9th. Good luck everyone.

Tell everyone, yo!