As you may have heard, Bank of Canada Governor Mark Carney is stepping down from his position at the end of June, to take over the equivalent job across the pond over in England. Thanks to Marky Mark’s appetite for fish and chips (I’m assuming) somebody is going to have to replace him. The Bank is on it, placing an ad for the job in prominent publications – including The Globe and Mail, The Economist and La Presse.

Even though I’m happy as a chip guy, I recognize my country is in a time of need. It’s time for a real leader to take charge of the Bank, and start making monetary decisions that will ensure Canada is an economic powerhouse for generations to come. We don’t want to start losing jobs to those damn Belgians again. Them and those fancy waffles… I HATE THEM SO MUCH.

Anyway, that leader is me. I’m applying for the job. Here’s my cover letter:

Dear Sirs:

I am writing you today because I feel I would be an asset to your organization as the Bank of Canada’s Governor. Why do I think that? I’m glad you asked.

First of all, I have a lot of experience in the world of money, monetary policy, fiscal policy, as well as all sorts of other smart sounding things. Unfortunately, nobody has actually paid me for these opinions, but I’m not exactly sure why that’s my fault. I just need a chance, and why not start at the top?

As you can see on my attached resume, I spent from 1987 to 1998 as the vice-president of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve bank, which is a pretty impressive feat considering I was barely potty trained when I began the position. I would have continued, but other passions came calling. For instance, 1998 was the year I discovered masturbation for the first time. And that can be pretty time consuming.

As for the other aspects of the job, you’ll find I’m a great fit. I quite enjoy sitting around and arguing about money, especially if the government is footing the bill for the Tim Horton’s. And hey, since interest rates aren’t expected to rise for another year or so, we’ll all have to pretend to look busy. I can be really good at scheduling pointless meetings, looking busy at my desk, and giving the hot secretary pointless busy work, like bending over to pick up the pencil I “accidentally” dropped.

While we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need a hot secretary. Wait, that’s politically incorrect, let me try again. I’m gonna need a hot administrative assistant. It’s not imperative that she sleeps with me, but I’d obviously appreciate it.

Hey, question for you guys: are chicks impressed that a guy is the Governor of the Bank of Canada? Is this position gonna get me laid? I’m going to assume the only chicks that will be impressed are nerdy economic types, but hey, I can live with that. I’m a fan of that look.

I noticed in the posting that you’re looking for someone with excellent communication skills. Let me tell you, my communication skills are really, really, good. I have a thesaurus, and sometimes I’ll even crack it out. (Thesaurus. Sounds like a dinosaur, amirite? That’s a communications joke.) I also have a blog, and not to brag or anything, but I think it’s the best thing on the internet, maybe with the exception of LOLcatz. Is that still a thing? It’s got a lot of penis jokes. If there’s one thing the Bank of Canada needs, it’s more penis jokes. You guys are as exciting as plain noodles.

Okay, I admittedly don’t speak any French besides “boujour” and all the swear words. But I totally know a chick who does speak a lot of French. And, good news, she’s, uh, in between jobs right now, so she’s available to start immediately. Also, since she’s a woman, we can get her to make the office dinner and then maybe some pie after. But hey, we’ll clean up our own plates. Nobody wants to be sexist.

When it comes to having “unquestioned technical competence in monetary policy and, more broadly, macro-economics, coupled with a highly developed understanding of the financial sector, both institutions and markets, domestically and internationally,” let me tell you, I am your man. I know my way around a monetary policy, if you know what I mean. I’ve been to the United States AT LEAST 6 times and Mexico once too, so I know my way around international markets without getting lost.

My understanding of the financial sector is second to none. I know people who work for at least 4 separate Canadian financial institutions, so I can totally call them up and ask questions. Or maybe text, since they might be busy at work. I also used to be a mortgage broker, so I know all about fancy debt related things too. Oh yeah, and I should probably mention my Masters in Economic Studies from the Correspondence College of San Antonio. I only had to pay $299 for that fake diploma.

Uh, maybe you should ignore that last sentence.

If I may, can I ask another question? What kind of perks does the job come with? I’m assuming I’ll be getting the basics – medical, dental, etc. – but I’m also curious if I could get someone, uh, eliminated. His name is Joe Wood, and he lives at 9840 Shadybrook Lane, in Hamilton, Ontario. We’ll discuss this more when I get the job.

In conclusion, I think I’m an excellent candidate for the Governor position. I know a lot about money related stuff, I’m good at meetings and at Powerpoint, I’m devilishly handsome, and you should see the size of my penis. When I communicate, I like to do it in a very forceful manner, thereby making people believe the crap I spout. And, most importantly, I look terrific in a suit.

I can be contacted at (redacted) or emailed at nelson (at) sexymanthong (dot) com. Thank you for your consideration.

 

Tell everyone, yo!