Frankly, ladies, it’s about damn time that all of you started taking your careers seriously. One of you is going to end up getting married to me, but I expect you to earn enough that I can spend my days doing nothing but ogling younger and hotter women. Unfortunately for most of you, I won’t end up with you. I’m only one man ladies, even though I do the work of 3 men and have the raw testosterone of 7 more coursing through my veins. Plus I can bench press a 1998 Dodge Grand Caravan. You should see me do it, it’s pretty impressive.

Oh, and you should see the size of my penis. BIGGER THAN MANY SMALL CHILDREN.

Anyway, since you gals insist on working and not staying in the kitchen where you belong, I guess I better go ahead and bring myself into some sort of upright position to give some career advice for women. I’m doing this even though I am quite hungry, and could really go for a sandwich and maybe some pie. Apple please.

I could keep up with the sexist jokes all night. They are some kind of fun, but I guess I’ll actually give you girls some serious advice.

Throughout history, when us men have allowed you ladies to work, you’ve mostly gravitated to certain types of jobs. Teaching is always a popular one, as is nursing, taking care of children, (or the elderly, which are basically like less cute babies) serving food in restaurants, serving tiny packages of peanuts on airplanes and foxy boxing. There’s nothing wrong with any of these professions, especially foxy boxing. Foxy boxing is pretty much the best thing ever.

Feminists are going to kill me for this next point, but there’s clearly a reason why women are attracted to these types of jobs. For the most part, women are much more comfortable in nurturing professions, at least compared to guys like me without empathy. Like a lot of career seekers in history, women everywhere choose professions that cater to their strengths.

Random aside: I’m also fully convinced that 75% of the reason most women end up becoming teachers is because it meshes really well with their future plans to have children. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’d just like more of them to admit it.

(Related: Why teaching is the worst job ever)

So we’ve established that a good chunk of the ladies are drawn to professions that are female dominated already. And hey, if that’s where you know your strengths lie, then that’s the path you should choose. It’s pretty plain and simple. Too many people have chased money and ended up in some career that makes them more miserable than that time I was forced to watch an entire episode of Glee. If there’s a career you feel drawn towards, it’s probably best you go down that path.

But what if you’re like me – you’re interested in a bunch of different things and can’t really narrow it down to one? What’s a girl to do? It’s simple. Go get a STEM job.

For those of you unaware, STEM is short for science, technology, engineering and math. As anyone who has a brain can attest, these jobs have been traditionally male dominated. Most students at university will admit the curriculum studied to get into these fields is tougher. Even though I’m not a nurse or a teacher, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it takes greater brain power on a day to day basis than either of the aforementioned professions.

STEM jobs are typically tough, demanding professions. They require more effort in college just to get the diploma needed to go out in the real world and do the damn job. And then, when you gals do get out into the field, you’re surrounded by men and their various gas passing ways. Why do I want you to go into the field?

Because there’s less competition.

Let me tell you a story. When I was in Vancouver a few months ago, I hung out with one of my readers for the afternoon. (Yes, I’m also surprised she didn’t just kick me in the balls and walk away.) She’s in the technology field. After dismissing my various far-fetched new app ideas, she told me the story about how she got her job.

She went to the open interview, where approximately 90% of all candidates were male. She also made sure to wear a skirt, to further cement the fact that she doesn’t have a penis. Which was a really smart move, at least in my opinion.

Sure, she’s competent in her field. She has the degree from a respected school and all the other things they were looking for in an employee. But so did the majority of men in that room. Being a woman in that male dominated room was probably her biggest advantage.

Companies in these industries are clamoring to add more women to their ranks. If a hiring decision comes down to an equally qualified man and woman, most of the time a STEM employer is going to go with the lady. Mostly so they can even out the mix a little, but also because us guys tend to like boobs around the office. And at home. Most everywhere, really.

I’m not saying that my (only) reader isn’t good at what she does. I’m sure she is. And she’ll continue to benefit if she continues to be good at her job, which is kind of the way jobs work. She’ll also benefit just because the companies she works for will be giving her every opportunity to move up.

That’s my career advice for women. Find male dominated industries, become competent at it, and bask in the advantages. And hey, I don’t mind if you bring home the bacon and cook it too. I’ll be in charge of the eatin’ and the bad sex jokes.

Tell everyone, yo!