You know how annoying it is when people who have no qualifications at all start giving advice on stuff? Everyone is an expert when it comes to parenting, even people without children. Every sports fan thinks they know better than the referee, even though the fan has the benefit of instant replay from 28 extra angles. Most everybody has already used the internet to diagnose themselves with cancer/leprosy hours before they haul their sick ass out of bed and to the doctor’s office. And, obviously, nobody trusts their real estate agent or anybody who’s paid to look at their car, both for obvious reasons.

So with that first paragraph already typed out, allow me to present some Valentine’s Day date ideas for all you lovebirds reading my blog, presented by a guy so single that I’m pretty sure my palms are starting to grow hair. While there’s no guarantee you’re going to get laid because of these, we both know it’s pretty much a done deal. Go ahead and buy the condoms and the lube right now, you know your special someone will be good to go.

1. Go Streaking

Sure, it’s February, and therefore still cold as hell outside. Unless you live somewhere warm, if you do I hate you. Anyway, what’s a better way to get close to your sweetie than risking arrest together?  She’ll be happy because you’re spending time together, and he’ll be happy because he gets to see your boobs bounce up and down. Everybody wins, especially everyone who gets to watch.

There’s just a couple of costs associated with this activity. You’re going to need trench coats, for obvious reasons. You should be able to find one pretty cheap at a thrift store, and you can always hold onto it until Halloween and use it to dress up as a private eye. You’re also going to need a mask, so people won’t know it’s you. I suggest a Richard Nixon mask, because that episode was awesome.

2. Stay Outside Her Window

So you’ve got your eye on a certain lady, and you want to make your move on Valentine’s Day? Way to be unoriginal, sparky. Okay fine, I guess it can be romantic. Here’s how to make it even better.

Just show up outside her window, preferably while wearing a dark jacket and a ski mask. Hey, it’s cold outside, you want to stay warm. Get some pebbles and throw them up against her window, but be gentle. Nothing gets a lady out of the mood like a broken window.

You’ll want to have a song prepared, because ladies lap that crap up. But nothing creepy. Think more John Mayer and less Guns N Roses.

Here’s a sample I wrote, feel free to steal it. I don’t mind.

Hey baby, I’m outside your window
If I could, I’d give you a rainbow
You look so lovely everyday
I hope that you’ll be mine someday
Oh yeah, I hope you’ll let us stick
Now come on down and suck my…

Actually, you know what? Maybe you should write your own song.

3, Wendy’s

Have you been to Wendy’s? It’s damn tasty. Frosties are pretty much the best thing ever. The burgers are good, the fries are solid, and you can even get weird stuff like chili and baked potatoes. It’s all good.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. That your lady friend won’t be impressed with Wendy’s. Okay, maybe you’re right. But do you know what will really impress her? A 2 for 1 coupon. Those things are pretty much guaranteed panty removers.

Good news. Trent Hamm has agreed to fill in for idea number 4. Take it away, Trentster.

4. Board Games

Thanks Nelson. Board games are simply the best way to spend a Valentine’s with your sweetie, assuming you both have the personality of a 9-iron. The best games are those that allow you to become monsters or elves or something like that, because if you were me you’d probably want to be somebody else too. Settlers of Catan is a wonderful way to get your lady’s motor running, and it’s a powerfully frugal tactic too.

Trent, you’re the man. Your 50 cents is in the mail. Go nuts and buy two thrift store shirts.

5. 7-11

7-11 sells a lot of food that’s shaped like a penis. Once she’s on her 3rd Big Bite she’ll be able to think of nothing else. You’ll be her 4th Big Bite, if you know what I’m saying.

6. Beat Up A Hobo

Actually, wait. That’s mean. Just take his shopping cart and run like hell instead.

7. Read Financial Uproar Together

Crack open a bottle of wine, snuggle up close to your sweetie, and fire up that laptop. This particular website is awesome in at least 329402840 ways. Your finances will get better, and you can argue which phrase describes Nelson better – devilishly handsome or ruggedly handsome. You will probably have a fight, but the makeup sex will be fantastic.

8. Eat Some Chips

Don’t just limit this to Valentine’s Day. Feel free to stuff your face with as many Doritos as you can. Your sweetie will totally look past you gaining 20 pounds, I promise.

There you go kids, 8 guaranteed ways for you to get lucky this Valentine’s Day. I’ll think of all of you when I’m eating my weight in chocolate, masturbating and weeping.

Tell everyone, yo!