Well, it’s finally happened. No, I’m not retiring from blogging forever. And no, I’m not announcing that I’ve quit my job and I’m backpacking across Papua New Guinea. And no… wait, you’ve already read the title, haven’t you? Yes, it’s true. I scored an interview with a phone sex operator. Quagmire, what do you think about that?

Let’s do this thing. My questions are in bold, and her answers are below.

Just how much does it cost to call phone sex? How much of the per minute fee goes to the girl and how much goes to the company?

Phone sex pimps, I mean companies, charge $1.69-$2.99 per minute, sometimes with a minimum call length which I suspect is inversely correlated to penis length. Oops, did I just say that? I’m kidding…I think! If you see it for less, the fine print usually has a high minimum call length. Most pay a flat per-minute rate, sometimes tiered based on performance totals. Expect .20-.35 per billed minute if all you do is answer the phone. However, some places have a minimum call length and pass it on to the phone ho, in which case the rate can work out higher if you get them off – and get them off – in less than the minimum time. So the caller pays for 15 minutes and you get paid for 15 minutes whether the penis – um, the call, lasts all 15 or just 3.

How do girls go about getting business?

If you’re making the crappy rates above, you’re not involved in attracting business, either new or repeat. However, if the per-minute rate is higher, it’s because you need to do a lot of unpaid promotional work to make your phone ring, often because the company has no customer base. Social media is the ethical and painless route, but some companies push you to do skeevy stuff like troll chatrooms or register on dating sites to lure callers.

How many minutes per hour is the average girl going to work? And is there a particular time and day that most dudes call?

That is impossible to know until you start working there. Employers give you the usual commission sales job line of, “If you do this and this and you’re good, you can expect to make $XXX a week”, but never give you an indication of their call volume. Maybe you’ll score that, or maybe you’ll just sit there looking at your phone all night, listening to the lone cry of the coyote in the distance.

There is no best time of day to work because you get calls from all US time zones and probably a few others, and someone somewhere is always having trouble falling asleep, waking up, keeping his eyes off the new intern’s assets, etc. Friday nights and weekend mornings are pretty consistently busy.

How can the average girl (who just answers the phone) get ahead? Is there a way that she can just get the guy to call her direct, bypassing the company?

The just-answer-the-phone girl is going to have a tough time building a pool of regulars. Her best bet is to work consistent hours so she’s easy to find – it’s the only thing she has any control over. Bypassing the company and taking the caller off-system will get you canned, but even worse, doing that puts too much power in the caller’s hands. Think: blackmail and coercion. Also, adult entertainment of any kind has a high frequency of chargebacks because, well, you know what dudes are like after the fireworks are over and the bill arrives. Hard enough to deal with as a business, but as an individual? Yikes.

Are there certain fetishes that pay better?

Rule of thumb: fetishes pay better than vanilla. Vanilla (and female submission) don’t take a lot of brain power, presence or originality to pull off, but fetish and domination are best executed by someone who puts the effort into reading her customer and keeping it creative. Effort = money.

Staying on that same topic, which fetishes are the most profitable?

Most will tell you financial domination, where the guy gets his jollies from the girl behaving like the world’s greediest gold digger. The return is high, the competition is high, and the volume is low…but they don’t call the just-answer-the-phone services. Otherwise, it really is all about playing to your own talents. Like if you’re a girlie-girl, you’re going to do very well with men who fantasize about being feminized – and hey, you can deduct your subscriptions to Cosmo & Lucky as legitimate business expenses 🙂

And finally, can I, uh, have a discount the next time I call?

Oh Nellie….ohhhhhhhhh Nellie….

Wait. Is that a no?

Yes.

As in, yes I can have a discount? 

(logs off)

Hello? …Hello?

Okay, I guess that interview’s over.

As one of the few legal career choices for women who want to get into the sex trade, being a phone sex operator is a job that will always have willing women ready to enter. Today’s technology offers more flexibility than ever, meaning a girl can work while away from home. So while the profession seems like a pretty good deal, keep in mind that everybody else thinks so too. That leads to more competition, which suppresses wages.

Plus, our general promiscuity goes against the profession too. Both men and women are far more comfortable with one night stands and casual sex than they were even a generation ago. The internet has made accessing naked ladies just a click away. These are some serious headwinds facing phone sex operators.

It’s an interesting business. Thanks to my girl for the interview. I’m sure I’ll be talking to her later tonight.

Tell everyone, yo!