This will be fun. Let’s talk about food that, for once, isn’t chips.

Because I am both lazy and forbidden from using knives, I eat my share of frozen pizza. Oh hell, I eat my share, and your share, and probably six other people’s shares. Feel free to look down your nose at me, I deserve all of your scorn.

(That sound you hear is MochiMac weeping, since she does not approve of my terrible, terrible, eating habits. Oh well, like they won’t have invented a diet pill by the time this all comes back to bite me in the ass.)

Screw it. Frozen pizza is delicious, cheap, and fast. It’s the perfect meal for a guy who likes cheap food and who doesn’t want to spend a whole lot of time making something from scratch. I promise, I’ll drop my frozen pizza habit as soon as I find a girl who will cook for me, preferably while only wearing an apron and maybe some underpants. Or, as the kids call them, panties. (giggles like a schoolgirl)

But which frozen pizza is the best? I obviously haven’t tried them all, but here are my favourites. Americans, keep in mind that you probably won’t be able to buy these.

Donatello’s Pan Style Deluxe
Cost: $3.00
Purchased: Wal-Mart

I’d include a picture, but at least according to the internet, such a pizza does not exist.

You gotta get the pan style, and not the rising crust. The rising crust is still decent, and it really does rise up nice and fluffy. It messes up the crust to topping ratio, which is totally a thing I just pulled out of my ass.

The toppings include pepperoni, italian sausage, green peppers, red peppers, onions and I think mushrooms. The price would indicate that it’s a little sparse with the toppings, but it’s really not bad. There’s a little too much crust at the end of each slice, but it could be worse.

Overall, this might be the best frozen pizza out there. The price is ridiculously good, and the pizza ain’t half bad either. It beats eating a salad.

Honorable mention goes to another Wal-Mart brand, Red Baron, which are only available in Canada sometimes. They are every bit as good, and usually they have them around $3.

Delissio All Dressed Garlic Bread Pizza
Cost: $4.99
Purchased: Extra Foods

Delissio Garlic Bread Pizza All Dressed

 

I didn’t like this pizza the first time I tried it, I thought it was a little doughy and I thought there was too much cheese. I gave it another chance recently, and here was the reaction from my taste buds:

(orgasm)

This pizza comes with pepperoni, mushrooms, red and green peppers, onions, and enough garlic butter to give dead Elvis another heart attack. But screw it, we don’t care about how bad it is for you. Go eat some seaweed if you care about that crap.

Here’s why this frozen pizza might be the best value. It’s 931 grams. It’s a square pizza, and it’s absolutely massive. I’ll eat about 2/3rds of it for supper, and then eat the final third for lunch the next day. This pizza regularly beats up other frozen pizzas and takes their lunch money. What do you suppose pizzas eat for lunch? Veggie burgers?

McCain Rising Crust Frozen Chicken Deluxe
Cost: $5.99
Purchased: Wal-Mart

McCain Roasted Chicken Deluxe

This used to be my favorite frozen pizza of all, but they’ve made a couple recent changes, and they’re not for the best. They added parmesan cheese to it. Why? Are there actually people out there who like parmesan cheese on their pizza? If you do, hit the back button, never come back, and then drink a beaker full of acid. You’re not welcome here.

It’s too bad too, since this was a tasty pizza with terrific toppings. The chicken was plentiful, the peppers were big enough you didn’t need a microscope to find them, and even the onions weren’t obviously freeze-dried. It’s still a solid pie, but I think the Delissio Spicy Chicken Deluxe might have overtaken it as the best chicken pizza.

(Note: the Delissio Spicy Chicken Deluxe might be the worst named product of all time. It’s about as spicy as your Grandma’s sex life.)

Hawaiian Pizza 

Just kidding. God, Hawaiian pizza is the worst thing ever. Fruit on a pizza? If we ever go anywhere together, stay 5 steps behind me. I don’t want people thinking we know each other.

Dr. Oetker Ristorante Pizza Speciale
Price: $8.99
Purchased: IGA

Dr Oetker Ristorante Pizza Speciale

This is the frozen pizza you eat if you’re some sort of fancy-pants. You also probably have a monocle, a British accent, a top hat, and say “indubitably” a lot. It did not go well the first time I tried to spell indubitably.

This pizza is pricey. You can probably get them cheaper than $8.99, but my IGA is more expensive than crack on a silver spoon. I seem to remember buying it for the first time under $5, but that might not be right.

Anyway, you gotta wait until you get this bad boy on sale, since the crust is pretty thin. I guarantee even the daintiest of you gals can even eat one of these in one sitting. So why am I including it on this list?

I’m not sure what Dr. Oetker got his doctorate in, but I’m assuming it was in pizza. This frozen pizza might be the most delicious on the market. The pepperoni, ham, and mushrooms are plentiful. The cheese is generous, and there’s just the right amount of sauce. It’s kind of a crummy value pizza, but it’s probably the most delicious of the whole list.

Now if you all will excuse me, I’m off to bake this bad boy.

PC barbecue chicken pizza

(Update: it wasn’t bad, but “toppings first” my ass. Good thing I got it for 50% off ($3) since they were blowing them out for some reason.)

Tell everyone, yo!