Each January, I ask some of the best personal finance bloggers out there (and Timeless Finance) to supply their top four stock picks for the upcoming year. Half of the group meticulously researches their potential names, spending hours poring over financial statements, stock screeners, and other things people do in lieu of having a life. Meanwhile, the other half of the group just pulls their selections out of their collective asses. These people tend to do relatively well, since that’s the way the world seems to work. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Never work hard.

Much like your company’s pointless awesome quarterly progress meetings, it’s time to sit back, relax, maybe take off your pants, and enjoy the update on the stock picking contest. The only difference is attendance for this meeting isn’t mandatory. It is, however, sexatory, a word that I just made up and have no idea what it possibly could mean. It sounds pretty sexy though.

1. Money Mamba (+16.90%)

Geez, what a surprise. JT keeps doing well at these competitions. He’s like the New York Yankees of stock picking contests. AND I HATE THE YANKEES SO MUCH. (Shakes fist, sneers.)

JT was one of two competitors to have all four of his picks go up for the quarter, led by little known Conrad Industries, which was up some 27%. I’m assuming it’s a company staffed only by guys named Conrad, selling stuff to guys named Conrad. They’ve recently expanded operations to selling stuff to chicks named Connie. It caused quite a commotion.

2. Avrex Money (+12.83%)

In second place is last minute entrant Andrew from Avrex Money, a blog I’m assuming is about T-rexes. DON’T CORRECT ME, THERE IS A 100% CHANCE THAT’S RIGHT.

Andrew much enjoys time in the bedroom, since his top performing pick is Tempur Pedic, the maker of comfortable mattresses. Do you guys know what else you can do on a Tempur Pedic mattress? That’s right, you can build a blanket fort.

Oh, and you can also do it.

3. Holy Potato (+12.72%)

If we made Holy Potato into chips, would I have to be a priest to sell them? I’d have the celibacy part down, anyway, although that’s not really my choice.

Potato’s gains were propelled by little known Urbana Corp., which according to Google Finance, does this:

Urbana Corporation (Urbana) is a Canada-based investment company. Urbana is a non-redeemable investment fund for the purposes of applicable securities laws. The Company has interests across the financial services sector from exchanges to banks to broker dealers and investment managers. The Company focuses to acquire investments for income and capital appreciation for long-term. Caldwell Investment Management Ltd. is the investment manager of the Company.

Say what? I’m convinced this company does not actually exist. SELL NOW SPUDMAN!

4. Boomer and Echo (+10.50%)

Next up is everyone’s favorite mama’s boy, Echo, who has the most obvious case of Oedipus complex in the whole PF blog-o-net. If he needs to talk about it… Sweet Jesus please go somewhere else. Like I want to hear about that.

Anyway, he’s doing pretty well, thanks to American Express, and something called Secure Energy Services, a company that puts chastity belts on horny oil workers so they’ll GET SOME DAMN WORK DONE.

5. Thousandaire (+8.34%)

In a respectable 5th is Kevin, the closest person we all know to one of those doomsday preppers. He wasted half of his picks on precious metals, but more than made up for them by picking a company called Ruth’s Hospitality. I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not a publicly traded bordello. It’s actually a chain up uppity steak houses. Everyone likes steak. Especially when you get to dunk your bread in the steak drippings after you’re done. ZOMG THAT’S GOOD EATIN!

6. My Own Advisor (+6.66%)

THIS IS INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE MARK IS THE DEVIL. (Quickly gathers up my holy water and cross.)

He picked boring blue chip names. They went up a little. His results are average. If he’s the devil, the devil is boring.

7. My University Money (+5.63%)

Even though the guy making the picks is a teacher, he went ahead and made his first pick Cannabis Science. HE CARES NOTHING ABOUT THE CHILDREN. Let me show you guys the chart of Cannabis Science, since it’s more fun than actually smoking the stuff.

Screen Shot 2013-03-31 at 4.11.23 PM

 

It went from 5 cents a share to 9 cents a share in like a week, and then came all the way back down. Who said investing wasn’t fun?

8. Financial Uproar (+5.57%)

SEXIEST PICKS EVER.

Hey, remember how you all mocked me for picking Blackberry? It’s up 28%. If only my other picks didn’t suck, I’d be working at some hedge fund somewhere instead of talking to you losers through a computer. Just kidding, only 93% of you are losers.

9. Mochi and Macrons (+5.34%)

She picked Starbucks again, and it’s doing well for her, again. Considering the mileage the PF world has gotten out of the latte factor, I’m surprised she’d rock the boat by taking it. She’s a real badass or something.

All four of her picks are up as well, the only problem is the best performer (Enbridge) is only up a hair more than 10%. Not losing money is fun, but only if you make a lot of money. Write that down. It’s important.

10. My Pennies My Thoughts (+3.93%)

Janine picked an airline, (Westjet) an overvalued online retailer, (Amazon) and a trendy apparel maker, (Lululemon) and not one of you guys made fun of her picks in the comments? What kind of crap readers do I have? I hate you all.

But hey, at least she’s not last.

11. Vanessa’s Money (+1.53%)

Vanessa actually picked a Spanish bank (Banco Santander). Can you believe that? Was she drunk? Was she having inappropriate thoughts about Enrique Iglesias? Was she watching highlights of the 1992 Barcelona Olympics? Nobody can possibly know why she’d do such a silly thing.

Vanessa is currently travelling around Europe, so for every day we all go to work and she doesn’t, she wins. Still, GET A JOB MISSY.

12. Don’t Quit Your Day Job (+0.66%)

It’s funny, see, because they suck and the site name is Don’t Quit Your Day Job.

PK picked Tata Motors, the big car maker out of India. What a terrible pick. Indian people can’t drive. Have you seen what happens on the roads in that country? I haven’t, personally, but I’ve heard stories, and they’re good enough for me.

13. Timeless Finance (-6.29%)

HOLY CRAP. Joe set out to finish in last place, and he’s succeeding. I am in awe of his terrible stock picking skills. If he set up a short only hedge fund, I’d totally take $100,000 of someone else’s money and give it to him. Then I’d take the profits and give back the $100k. I am such a nice guy.

So in conclusion, the S&P 500 was up some 10.5% for the quarter, and only 4 out of 13 entries beat the benchmark. We are all terrible. Except JT. He will end up owning us all. I, for one, welcome my new 12 year-old overlord.

 

Tell everyone, yo!