I was on the Twitter the other day, and this happened.

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And that’s how I got volunteered to write about beauty tips for men.

When it comes to this stuff, I might be the worst guy to ask. I’m currently rocking a full beard, and not because I’m really a big fan of having a beard. I’m just too lazy to shave. I’ve been known to go longer than an actual season between haircuts. I spend less time on my beauty than Kate Upton spends on blogging about personal finance.

An excuse to post a Kate Upton picture? If you insist.

(Orgasms)

(Orgasms)

Okay, let’s do it. Let’s do up some beauty tips for men. Or large boys. Or manly chicks.

Shaving

This one’s easy. You’ve got two options. You can either not shave, or, if you want to get laid regularly, just shave with an electric razor.

Even though I’m not very good with the disposable razor (mostly because I hardly ever use them), I have to admit they do shave closer than an electric razor. That gets my cheeks all smooth, which is great for my older aunts who enjoy pinching them. GOD I HATE THEM.

But really, electric razors are the best. There’s no need for shaving cream. It takes about half the time, since you don’t have to rinse off your razor 18 times. You’ll never cut your face, something I know all too well. And, if you’re badass like me, you can just use the sideburn trimmer on your entire face, which leaves that nice layer of stubble that all the dudes are sporting these days. At least I think, it’s not like I go looking at other dudes’ faces.

Plus, you can pick up a decent electric razor for like 50 bucks. You’ll spend that much on razors and shaving cream in a year easily. An electric razor represents a 100% yearly return. That’s about as good as you’re going to get.

How about shaving, uh, down there? That’s weird. Don’t do it. What’s that? Your gal wants you to do it? I’m disgusted with you and your messed up relationship. Luckily for you I have my pastor on speed dial.

Oh, and while we’re on the topic, sideburns are awesome. They make you look like one of those 1950s greaser guys, and we can all agree those guys were cool. Except when John Travolta made them look as gay as possible in Grease. STOP SINGING YOU BASTARDS.

Soap

It’s simple. You get a little body wash and you get a little shampoo, and you’re good to do.

Don’t use too much body wash, for a couple of reasons. First of all, nobody wants you to smell like an Italian. The people who have to stand next to you are thanking me in advance. And secondly, using less makes the bottle last longer. Jeez, I just felt like Trent Hamm there.

The best marketing line in history? It’s on the side of the shampoo bottle. Lather, rinse, repeat. Do you know how many people wash their hair twice because the shampoo bottle told them they had to? Way more than you’d think.

Which soap and shampoo should you buy? Hell, I don’t know. Just go to Walmart, buy whatever is the cheapest, and just make sure it doesn’t make you smell like a hospital. Don’t bother buying the Axe stuff, it will not cause the women to swarm after you. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Lotions

What. The. Hell.

No.

Well okay, but only if you have to work outside all the time and your hands get dry. Or if you need it for lube. But really, if you need lube, that’s God’s way of telling you you’re doing it wrong.

Seriously, if you’re a man, the goal should not be soft hands. Your hands should be rugged, with callouses, and little cuts, because those are the scars of DOING REAL ACTUAL WORK.

Go ahead and belch, fart, and scratch your ass manly man. You deserve it.

Deodorant

What? I don’t know. Just buy some deodorant. This is dumb.

Clothes

That’s about all the info I can muster on beauty tips for men, mostly because us dudes don’t give two craps about this. But how about clothes?

This one’s simple too. Just get a chick to help you buy stuff. If you have a lady, she will be CONSTANTLY harassing you to go shopping for clothes. Women always want to dress their men. Once your woman figures out you’re cheap, she’ll do the work of picking through the clearance racks for the good stuff. They live for this crap. Feel free to use your free time to play games on your phone.

If you don’t have a lady, no problem. Just go into the store, find the hottest chick you can, and get her to help you find clothes. I’ve done this before, and I thought the girl was going to have a seizure she was so damn excited. She was like a puppy.

One more thing. Get one of those reversible belts. One side is brown, one side is black, it’s good for all occasions. But you’ll only use the black side.

That’s It

Readers, do you have any frugal beauty tips for men? If you do, keep them to yourself. Men in general just don’t care.

Tell everyone, yo!