There just isn’t enough frugal living advice on this here information superhighway. There’s some stuff out there, but it just isn’t enough for frugal junkies like me. I JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH FRUGALNESS. IT’S LIKE METH. Sorry, I get excited sometimes when I talk about frugality.

I also find that the frugal tips out there are kinda for pussies, you know? Like the latte factor. Well duh, that’s a pretty easy one, considering coffee tastes like roasted ass. But what about something a little more extreme, like converting your own urine into drinking water? That would be more extreme than that giant ramp thing they have at the X Games, which itself is a pretty extreme event. I’m so extreme I’m gonna start spelling it Xtreme. Don’t try to copy me. You’re not cool enough.

1. Don’t Even Have A House

Have you looked around your house lately? There’s, like, 200 square feet of space at all times that isn’t being used. What a waste, right? I’d suggest living in some sort of root cellar, but even that seems a little wasteful. A tent by the river is a pretty good choice too, assuming you have a long-ass extension cord to power your laptop. HAHAHAHAH just kidding, you don’t have a laptop. You’re a frugal rock star.

2. Reuse Like A Boss

When I shower every third morning, I always get a little bummed out. I’m wasting water – for one reason – and that costs like .042 cents a litre. That adds up to like a dollar a day. But I also get bummed out because I have to use soap and shampoo, and those just get washed down the drain. What a waste, right?

Here’s what I do. I have a big-ass bucket in my bathroom with soap in it. I grab some soap from there, and use it to wash.Then I turn off the water and slowly squeegee it off my rockin’ bod and back into the bucket. Boom. I’m reusing like a motherf’er.

3. Forage Young Man

The woods are full of all sorts of useful things, and for some reason people don’t bother to take advantage of them. There are berries pretty much everywhere. Mushrooms grow wild too, and the squirrels are practically begging to be eaten. I can make a pretty mean salad out of six different types of wild grasses and dandelion stems. Take it over to your friend’s the next time you get invited over for a potluck dinner.

Just kidding. Having friends wouldn’t be very frugal. Solitude, now that’s the ticket.

4. Fun and Games

Everybody needs some off time, especially the frugally minded. But why have things like the internet and TV, since those both cost about $4 per day? NICE TRY, BIG TELECOS. Instead, do what I do. It involves a rock, some old beer cans, and a flat ledge somewhere. I think you know where I’m going with this…

That’s right. You hold the rock and wait for the wind to blow over the beer cans. It is hours of fun.

Also, don’t underrate watching other people have fun. No, I’m not talking about going to a sporting event, since that’ll cost money. Instead go to the local park, alone, and maybe wear a trench coat and some sunglasses. It might get cold and/or sunny, and you’ll want to be prepared.

5. Ridin’ In Style

You need to get around, and you want to look good doing it. Have you thought about sponging rides off people? Nobody likes a mooch, but it’s not like we’re going to let that get in our way.

Instead, get a bike, and ride it everywhere. Yes, even during a blizzard, and even if you can’t even pedal anymore because the snow is so thick and you can’t plow your bike through it. Then, write a blog post about it and claim that it made you a badass, somehow. And do this even though you have a car at home and you’ve got enough money in the bank to retire at, like, 14. 

6. Communicate Cheaper

All the kids these days have their iPhones and their Blackberries and whatnot. How’s a frugal person supposed to communicate in a world consumed with expensive text messages and sexting and whatever it is those damn teens do nowadays?

When you’re at a business, ask if you can use their phone. They’re practically obligated to say yes. Feel free to take that opportunity to phone your mother and make sure she isn’t dead. Like we’re going to spring for one of those Life Alert things.

If that doesn’t work, just communicate exclusively through Skype. It’s free, especially if you use someone else’s wifi. If you see someone crouching around the back of a Starbucks using a 2007 laptop to call his sister, come over and say hi!

7. Get Stylin’ Threads

Every frugal type person has already been to the thrift store, but who wants to pay thrift store prices? Not this frugal leader, that’s for sure! $5 for a pair of pants? Hell no. If only there was a cheaper option.

Oh, there is. Have you ever wondered what happens to the clothes people are wearing when they die? They just throw them out. What a waste. Talk to the local undertaker and see if he’ll save the dead guy clothes for you. Here’s hoping Grandpa kicked it at church!

8. Make Extra Cash

Two words: public fountains. There’s gotta be at least $20 in change for you if you’re willing to get your ankles wet.

9. Be A Frugal Stud

Even us frugal rock stars start to get lonely sometimes. If you do start to date, make sure your prospective partner is on the same wavelength as you are. But how?

Maybe start off with a nice romantic walk in the park, stopping for a little drink at a public water fountain. (Pro tip: fill up your reusable water bottle for later.) Since most everyone likes being cooked for, a trip to the grocery store for dinner should be your next step. I’d recommend the three day old bread from the dumpster, but you’re on a date, so live a little. Go for the day old bread on the discount rack instead.

Cap off the evening with a kiss on the cheek, but nothing more. Condoms aren’t very frugal.

10. Have Fun With It

Remember, frugality is supposed to be fun, so use your imagination. You’re gonna need it, because without it you might collapse in a pool of tears and your own urine. That’s not actually urine, it’s just drinking water for later.

That’s it, frugalites. Now I gotta go. Can you believe that one of my neighbors just threw out a perfectly good basketball half? It looks like Nelly has himself a new bowl.

Tell everyone, yo!