Let me say, first off, I’m really sorry for Wednesday’s post. A fixed income post on GICs? I am literally about to throw up in boredom. Again, I’m really sorry. I’d post a picture of a scantily clad lady for your viewing pleasure, but it turns out that more and more of you are ladies, and most of you don’t really appreciate such things. I’m almost at a loss for what do to win all you guys back. I could give you all money – ha ha, just kidding. We all know I’m too cheap for that. OR AM I?

There actually is something I can do to get you guys back loving me again. What is it? Well, it all started a few days ago with an email.

WAIT. Before we go any further, I have to say something important. And that important thing is…

I am gay.

DAMMIT DAD, PISS OFF! Don’t go typing stuff in my blog! GEEZ!

Sorry, I’m not really gay. It’s just my dad has been bugging me constantly ever since I had to move back to my parents’ basement. Why did I move back home? Well, it’s a long story, but you have to promise to keep it a secret. Here goes.

I got the following email.

Dearest Sir:

I represent the recently departed King Abdoulla Dikembe Mutombo of Zimbabwe. (or click click clickity-click for short) I am his most trusted friend and aide. He recently passed away, leaving an estate of $500 trillion Zimbabwe dollars. I contact you thus I am most convinced you will provide a solution for my problem. I seek your cooperation so I can expedite funds into a foreign bank account. I seek assistance because I wish to live and invest in your foreign country.

I require 10% of the total inheritance, while you would be entitled to 90%. All the legal document will be processed in your name once you have forwarded me the required personal information, including:

  •  Name
  • Telephone number
  • Address
  • Bank account number

Kindly contact me at (redacted) with the proper personal data and I will kindly send details from my personal email address.

In confidence,
Thomas Brown

Wow. This seemed like a pretty good deal, right? But I was naturally a little suspicious. Who exactly was King Abdoulla Dikembe Mutombo? And why exactly did his most trusted aide want to deal with me? I tried to Google his majesty, but I came up empty. I wasn’t surprised though, since I’m pretty sure they don’t even have the internet in Zimbabwe.

Still, I decided to email back. A little more information can never hurt, right?

Thomas:

Thank you for your email. I must admit, this is a very tempting opportunity. However, it seems a little too good to be true. Can you answer a couple of questions for me?

1. Where did you get my contact information? I’m just some lowly blogger who makes too many sex jokes.

2. Do you promise not to use my personal information to harm me in any way, shape, or form?

Regards,
Nelson

I wasn’t really holding my breath. I’ve heard a lot about these types of emails, and they’re obviously scams. At this point, I was about ready to throw my laptop out the window and start communicating via hand written letters and smoke signals, when a little miracle appeared in my inbox.

Dearest Sir:

Thank you for you prompt reply.

I was able to contact you after acquiring a list of most honest and trustworthy people from Gmail. Your local Chamber and Commerce was also much helpful as well. Your silence on this matter is most appreciated.

Yes sir I assure you any personal data will only be used for the recovery of King Abdoulla Dikembe Mutombo estate. I only ask for 10% of the estate, all other monies will be yours.

Please kind sir, reply promptly with personal information.

Warm Regards,
Samuel Adams

Life is all about risks, right? So I took one, and sent along my personal information. After repeated emails, I didn’t hear back from the King’s aide, so I was beginning to get a little worried.

And then, one day at Subway, I went to pay with my debit card, and there was no money in my account. As you can imagine, I WAS PISSED. And, to top it all off, I hadn’t seen a nickel of the King’s fortune. So I sent off a somewhat angry email.

Sir:

YOU HAVE CLEANED OUT MY BANK ACCOUNT. AND HERE I THOUGHT THE ZIMBABWEANS COULD BE TRUSTED. I BID GOOD DAY TO YOU, AND I VOW TO SOMEDAY PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR COUNTRY, TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR GREATEST LANDMARK, AND PERSONALLY PUNCH YOU IN THE NUTS.

Respectfully,
Nelson Smith

I thought that money was as good as gone. But then, to his credit, he responded.

Dearest Sir:

My warmest apologies for any confuses.

I needed your monies because the high lawyer handling King Abdoulla Dikembe Mutombo estate has many fees and monies needed to pay to the courts. As a small gesture of my appreciate, I gladly inform you $100 trillion Zimbabwe Dollars is now being send to your adress. I require $50,000 (fifty thousand) U.S. dollars for additional fees and monies paid to the court, and I will most gladly forward the remaining $350 trillion Zimbabwe Dollars.

Warm regards,
John Adams

I obviously wasn’t holding my breath, and I vowed to never send this guy another nickel. I got a new bank account, paid off my surprisingly high credit card bills, which were also charged up pretty good with stuff bought in South Africa. Weird, I must have given my number to an internet girlfriend and she went to South Africa, or something.

But then, something glorious happened. This arrived, in an unmarked envelope.

My God. Look at it.

My God. Look at it.

FINALLY, IVE ACHIEVED MY DREAMS OF BEING A ONE-HUNDRED-TRILLIONAIRE.

I’ve since hidden the bill in a very safe spot, since I obviously can’t deposit it in the bank. I can’t tell you guys where it is, but I can definitely assure you it’s not hidden on the top shelf of my cupboard in something that looks like a Campbell’s Soup can. SO DON’T BOTHER LOOKING.

This is where you guys come in. I need an additional $10,000 to get the other $350 trillion. I’ve sold off everything to try and make this happen. I know I’ve implied in the past my net worth is kinda high, but that was obviously a lie. I sold my house and had to move back in my parents’ basement, and yet I’m still short. If you guys can come up with the additional $10,000, I’ll split $100 trillion with you guys, depending on how much you contribute. When will you ever have the opportunity to turn $1000 into a guaranteed $10 trillion?

Please, keep this offer under your hats. Don’t tweet this post, or Facebook it, or whatever you kids do these days. Your silence is required. I don’t want anybody contacting my guy with a better offer. I’m all in here guys, please don’t let me down.

 

Tell everyone, yo!