Well, it’s official. My laziness has reached an apex. I will celebrate by doing absolutely nothing and maybe then farting. Ladies, you know you want this.

The other day, as I was lamenting the growing pile of dirty dishes in my sink, I had an epiphany. What if, instead of using regular dishes, I just bought plastic dishes? I’m already pretty good at minimizing dishes when I cook, mostly by doing stuff like cooking a lot on the barbeque and making a crapload of baked potatoes in my microwave. If there was a Top Chef for that and frozen pizza, I’d do pretty well. And then Gordon Ramsey would yell at me and I’d cry. Is he even on that show?

While shopping the other day, I priced out plastic plates, glasses, and cutlery. I figure that’s all I really need. Napkins? Nah, that’s why you have sleeves on your shirt. I can just use the fork I’m going to use later to stir something that needs to be stirred, or to poke holes in my baked potato. And we all know you don’t need any cutlery to eat chips. Hell, I don’t even use my hands; I just tilt my head back and start pouring.

Let’s look at the prices:

Plates: $4.69 for 100. 4.7 cents each

Cutlery: $3.49 for 96 assorted. 3.6 cents each

Glasses: $3.99 for 50 beer cups. 8 cents each

My eating habits go a little something like this:

Breakfast – Toast and penis peanut butter. 1 knife, 1 plate, 1 cup

Lunch – Subway

Supper – Frozen pizza, pasta, bag-o-salad, steak, baked potato. 1 fork, 1 knife, 1 plate, the same cup as the morning

Over the course of a day, I’d use 2 plates, 2 knifes, 1 fork, 1 cup. If I was feeling ambitious, I could even use the breakfast plate for two or three days, since it would only be covered by bread crumbs. Assuming normal use, we’re looking at 28.2 cents per day I’d spend on plastic dishes.

This wouldn’t eliminate dishes entirely, but let’s say it cuts them down 35%. I do dishes about once a week, usually once my sink fills to capacity. They take about 20 minutes, once you factor in scrubbing and the inevitable water fights I end up having with myself. What? I look GREAT in a soaked t-shirt. It really shows off my man boobs.

(Aside: I would seriously give a woman [or dude, but let’s get real] free rent at my house if she would cook and clean for me. I wouldn’t even insist on the sex as well. I’d certainly ask, and would pout if she said no, but I’d get over it. That’s how much I hate cleaning. My dinners would be much more interesting too.)

Instead of 20 minutes, dishes now take 13 minutes. It would cost me approximately $2.00 per week to save 7 minutes of dishes doing time. I, uh, guess that’s okay. It’s not great. Plus, I’d have to probably double my garbage taking out time, adding another two minutes per week.

So in conclusion, it’s probably not worth it to get plastic dishes, especially if you’re of the significant percentage of the population that has a dishwasher. Looks like you’re just going to have to suck it up and scrub down those dishes. Or, you could get a dog and get it to lick them clean. Whatever floats your boat.

Tell everyone, yo!