I don’t get invited to a lot of weddings. You are jealous of my amazing life.

There are a couple of reasons why. Firstly, I’m usually kind of vocal in my disdain of the whole event. I think having a giant party and spending tens of thousands of dollars to signify a marriage is a pretty dumb way to start a lifelong partnership. And then I have to pay money to attend such an event? Yeah, go ahead and get drunk without me. I’ll be cool over here.

And secondly, I don’t have many friends. Most of my friends are married and have kids now, so I’m kinda done with the whole scene. AND THANK CHRIST FOR THAT. Thanks friends. Don’t get divorced.

What’s the point of my preamble? You guys probably ask that question every post. Today, we’re going to talk wedding presents, and specifically the present given to one set of brides. Instead of giving a more traditional present, our protagonist gave a gift basket full of delicious snacks like marshmallow creme and Jolly Ranchers.

One of the brides’ response? From Jezebel: (I know, I can’t believe I’m linking to Jezebel either).

Heyyy I just wanna say thanks for the gift but unfortunately I can’t eat any of it lol I’m gluten intolerant. Do u maybe have a receipt

First of all, what the F is “gluten intolerant?” Does bride #1 fart uncontrollably whenever she has a slice of toast? Does she crap her pants upon the sight of a slice of pizza? Does the smell of a cinnamon bun cause her to dry heave? Is gluten intolerance a real thing?

Our protagonist responds:

Ahh shit! Really!? We had a great time. Thank you again for allowing us to be a part of the celebration.

But wait. There’s more. Again, from our protagonist:

[S]ays he got to thinking, and that he realized that just a few short weeks earlier, he’d gifted the brides-to-be a certificate to the Italian restaurant he works at, and that the ladies had used the whole amount to gorge themselves on giant platters of full-gluten pasta.

OH SNAP, BITCHES. THE PLOT THICKENS.

Hey it’s [Bride 1’s] wife Laura. I want to thank you for coming to the wedding Friday. I’m not sure if it’s the first wedding you have been to, but for your next wedding… People give envelopes. I lost out on $200 covering you and your dates plate… And got fluffy whip and sour patch kids in return Just a heads up for the future 🙂

The brides in question are Canadian, in case you couldn’t tell with the passive-aggressive smiley face at the end of that. My people are the most passive-aggressive people on the planet.

Canada: home of beavers, maple leaves, and 32.9 million passive aggressive assholes.

I should warn you, apparently getting married does not improve your spelling and grammar skills.

Gift basket guy is not taking this sitting down. Well, he is, because it’s all happening on The Facebook, but you guys know what I mean.

Hi, I want to tell you how incredibly insulted I am in both of the messages you have sent me over the last two days. [Bride 1], I am sorry that you have intolerance to Gluten, I am sure that makes life difficult at times. However, to ask for a receipt is unfathomable. In fact it was incredibly disrespectful. It was the rudest gesture I have encountered, or even heard of. That is until you, Laura, messaged me today.

Am I the only person who thinks this guy is as whiny as the brides? He doesn’t stop here.

Laura, the message you sent to me today was by far the most inconsiderate, immature, greedy, and asinine thing I have ever had the displeasure of seeing.

Laura’s message clubbed a cute baby seal. Laura’s message made a little girl angel lose her wings. Laura’s message took a little boy’s ice cream cone and smushed the crap out of it. Laura’s message didn’t care how much that little boy cried.

This is not even close to being the first wedding I have attended, and actually I have done a lot of research on wedding etiquette, a step in the process the two of you clearly skipped over (clearly displayed by Laura chewing gum, like a cow does hay, while walking down the aisle).

After this paragraph, I refuse to believe gift basket guy is actually a guy. No man does “a lot of research” on anything to do with weddings, with the possible exception on how to pick up bridesmaids.

Unless this guy is gayer than the fabulous guy I met at Calaway Park on Saturday. That guy had an awesomely gay hat.

Not only is it wrong to have an expectation of any sort of gift, it is the ultimate insult to your family and friends to mention a gift of monetary value at all, let alone be so boorish to message someone with your disappointment in said gift.

He is right. But do you know what’s almost as douchey as the bride’s behavior? Giving her a giant-ass Facebook message on wedding etiquette. Buddy, just take the high road and say “sorry my present wasn’t up to your expectations.” And then forget about it forever, since you’re a dude.

But wait. Blushing bride #1 responds. Or maybe it’s bride #2. Dammit, lesbian weddings, stop confusing me.

Again… Out of 210 people at a wedding… The only I gift I got from all was yours… And fluffy whip and sour patch kids. Your Facebook message had nothing to do with the gift. Weddings are to make money for your future..

Dude. Enough with the ellipses. They…Aren’t…Even…Making…Sense…

Not to pay for peoples meals. Do more research. People haven’t gave gifts since like 50 years ago!

I’m no wedding expert — unlike the characters in our little bitchfest up here — but I’m pretty sure wedding registries still exist.

You ate steak, chicken, booze, and a beautiful venue.

I would love to eat a beautiful venue. I bet the Sistine Chapel tastes delicious.

Again.. Out of 210 people, you were the talk and laugh of the whole wedding!!!! Worst gift ever story Is being passed along to everyone!!

The actual thank you card being sent out by the brides:

Hi!!!!

Thanks for coming to our wedding. We really enjoyed your money, squandering it on crazy lesbian stuff…Anyhoo, did you hear about the cheap-ass gift basket guy.. What a dumbass!!! We just wanted you all to know about him. I wonder if he knows he’s gay???

Thanks again. We plan to adopt a little Asian girl in a few years. Please save up and give us some money then.

How about you tell people what you gave as a 2 person gift to a wedding and see what normal functioning people say about it!!

HOW ABOUT YOU STOP ENDING YOUR G.D. SENTENCES WITH MORE THAN ONE PUNCTUATION MARK?

Back to gift basket dude. Lets call him Big Gay Al:

It’s obvious you have the etiquette of a twig, I couldn’t care less of what you think about the gift you received, “normal” people would welcome anything given, you wanna have a party, you pay for it, DON’T expect me to, I don’t care what you or anybody thinks, you should just be happy your sham of a marriage is legal dude!

A guy lecturing a lesbian on wedding gift etiquette is not allowed to use the term “normal” ironically. Everyone’s minds would collectively blow up at the same time.

He’s right, the brides are being major c-words about this whole thing. But why go through all the effort of buying all this stuff and putting it in gift basket form if you don’t care what they think about the gift? Why give a gift that might not be well received? His attitude is just as bad as the bridezilla, who is probably attacking Tokyo as we speak.

Speaking of bridezilla, she responds:

Lol. Your an idiot. Go research more on life

You should have been cut from the list.. I knew we were gunna get a bag of peanuts.. I was right

She’s terrible at spelling and can’t differentiate between you’re/your. DIVORCE HER IMMEDIATELY. I would.

You know Big Gay Al has a response:

Never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. – George Carlon.

Yes, you all know that famous comedian George Carlon, don’t you? I loved his thing about the nine dirty words you can’t say on TV.

Thanks for the fluffy whip :). Have a good day

Yay! This thing is finally over. Both these people suck. The brides suck more, but Big Gay Al is hardly innocent. Gals, go ahead and fill the comment section with your thoughts.

Tell everyone, yo!