Because you know how to work a calendar, you’re already chastising this post’s lateness in your head. Like your girl’s period, getting things a week late is never acceptable. And for that, I apologize profusely. It’s mostly the Canadian in me talking though, since it’s kinda what we do. Hopefully you all forgive me and we can continue our imaginary relationship of me making sex jokes and you guys laughing until you cry and/or vomit. I enjoy this time together.

Anyway, back in January, I asked 12 of the internet’s top personal finance bloggers (and Timeless Finance) to submit their top four stock picks. Click back to relive the awkward jokes and to see their actual selections. We look at the results every quarter, results usually accompanied with inappropriate jokes. You all only laugh because you pity me.

That’s enough preamble. Let’s get to it.

1. Holy Potato (+32.6%)


I am convinced he travelled into the future, found some stocks that did well, and then picked those stocks. He did not actually invest any money in them, for a reason that only he knows. Maybe he was on meth.

Potato’s good results are buoyed by a takeover of CLC Healthcare, which has only yielded him a lousy 63% return. Remember, he doesn’t get to reinvest his profits, so he’ll be stuck with a 60+% return if the deal actually goes through. Oh the humanity.

2. Money Mamba (+20.8%)

Most people would be happy with second place so far, I know JT isn’t. He plays this contest to win, dammit, even though the nature of the competition is that there’s a certain crapshoot element to it. Not being in first is eating at his insides. Or maybe that’s his liver protesting because he’s a college student and he’s pushing that thing to the limit.

JT’s best performing stock is called Conrad Industries, which sounds like a shell corporation ran by an evil empire. It’s up some 50%. How come my stocks don’t do this well? (Ed. note: because maybe you pick crappy stocks?)

3. Boomer and Echo (+13.4%)

Well done, Robb and his hot Mom. Because every man enjoys it when another man calls his Mom attractive.

Even though Argonaut Gold is down over 35%, Echo’s other picks are all up over 25%, leading to his respectable showing. I think there’s a story about perseverance in there somewhere.

4. Avrex Money (+9.5%)

I’m not exactly sure what an Avrex is. Is it an aardvark mixed with a t-rex? Is it Rex Grossman’s new nickname, assuming he’s even still alive? I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation on his blog’s about page, but like I’m about to do any research at all. This isn’t even the best stuff that I’ve pulled out of my ass.

Andrew’s best performer is mattress maker Tempurpedic, probably picked because he spends as much time on a mattress sexin’ up the ladies as I do. I’ve met him and he’s clearly quite the ladies man. Well played sir.

5. Thousandaire (+7.9%)

Even though Kevin picked both the gold and silver ETFs – which both ended up down over 25% – he’s still at a respectable level. His ass was saved by Ruth’s Hospitality Group, a company that I assume hires male prostitutes for chicks named Ruth. Apparently Ruths pay well, since that stock is up 66% over the past 6 months.

6. My Own Advisor (+7.2%)

Mark decided to pick boring stocks (like Coke and life insurance provide Manulife) and he’s right in the middle of the pack. He’s the stock picking equivalent of a hockey team being tied with five minutes left and playing for a tie. And, as I’ve said before, a tie is like kissing your sister. Therefore, by my own logic, he likes to kiss his own sister. YOU CANNOT REFUTE THIS.

7. Mochi and Macrons (+6.0%)

Starbucks is Mochi’s top performing name, much to the chagrin of whoever that dude was who came up with the latte factor. I want to punch most latte drinkers in the face. Drink a less pretentious drink, douches. Have a Coke. My Own Advisor appreciates your support.

8. My Pennies My Thoughts (+2.3%)

I laughed at Janine for picking a overvalued internet retailer, (Amazon) an overvalued women’s clothier, (Lululemon) and an airline, (Westjet) but she’s not doing so bad. I approve of the Lululemon pants, I just don’t approve of anyone buying the stock. Can they bring back the pants that are see through? This guy would appreciate it.

9. Vanessa’s Money (+1.7%)

New rule: every woman who beats me in this contest has to bake me a pie. Vanessa has already established her pie making skills are top notch, so I’m just gonna go stand by the mailbox and wait for my pie to arrive. Sure, it’s an odd rule, but that’s what happens when you leave me in charge. I’d recommend against that in the future.

Casino operator MGM is her best performing stock. Investing in companies who separate the foolish from their money is usually a good bet.

10. Financial Uproar (-1.44%)

Aww dammit.

On June 26th, shares in Blackberry traded at $15.62. On June 3oth they declined to $11.08. I would have at least been beating Vanessa if they hadn’t had some crappy results. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT BLACKBERRY. If you guys need me I’ll be rounding up every Blackberry phone and throwing them into a giant barrel of fire.

11. My University Money (-10.2%)

Don’t let these guys teach you about money, since they’re struggling in a stock picking competition that’s a giant crapshoot. My stock picking contest is the Mensa test of picking stocks. If you fail you can’t get in the club. Luckily for everyone involved my club sucks balls.

12. Timeless Finance (-15.4%)

Joe set out to lose the competition on purpose, probably because he is a carmugeony bastard who is incapable of experiencing human emotion when he feels anything but angry or hungry. I respect this man’s worldview. He’s doing a nice job stinking up the joint if it wasn’t for this last competitor.

13. Don’t Quit Your Day Job (-16.0%)

HA HA DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB, SUCKERS. Unless their day job was picking stocks. In that case than maybe it’d be time to switch up the ol’ day job. I’d recommend being a janitor. You get left alone and you get paid a little extra because you have to unplug a toilet every few days.

PK picked 3 out of 4 losers, his biggest drag name from EBIX, another company that I don’t think actually exists. Maybe it doesn’t exist, and PK is controlling a shell company and making it go down just so Timeless Finance can’t win the award for sucking the most. That’s some hardcore level trolling right there.

That’s about it. Feel free to make fun of your favorite blogger in the comments. They’ll only cry if they’re a girl.

Tell everyone, yo!