Dammit, I said "work perks," not "perky nipples."

Dammit, I said “work perks,” not “perky nipples.”

The image search results for “perky nipples” are surprisingly NSFW, so that’s what you get. Sorry about that.

 

Good news! Everyone who reads this blog is officially employed. How do I know? Call it women’s intuition. Actually, maybe don’t call it that. Call it “Nelson’s making crap up but let’s just go with it because it goes with the theme of this post.” Hmm, that was long. Can we go back to calling it women’s intuition?

Unless you work for the evil soul crushing Wal-Mart corporation, chances are your job comes with some perks. Maybe if you work for a restaurant they give you all the extra food that hasn’t fallen on the floor. Maybe you get a discount on groceries if you work at the grocery store. And maybe you get to preview all the new porn if you work at the adult store. I am jealous of at least one of those jobs.

From the employer’s perspective, offering perks is a pretty simple equation. Happy staff are productive staff, and giving them perks that add up to a few cents for every hour worked is a decent way to improve productivity on the cheap. Your employers are in the business to make money, so you know stuff like this is carefully thought out. But hey, keep thinking you’re putting one over on your boss by drinking the free soda from the fridge. You’re showing him. (It’s a him because like a girl can be the boss. OOH! STILL GOT IT!)

There are some workplace perks that, for lack of a better term, blow more than a hooker with a $500 a day cocaine habit. Maybe you’re lucky enough that your employer has given you one of these “perks.” I’d recommend marching into your boss’s office and telling him to take these perks and shove them, since they’re actually costing you money. Let’s have a lookie.

Salary

This is common in retail, but also maybe in your industry. What do I know? Your industry probably sucks.

So you’re working somewhere, making $15/hour. You can afford rent, food, and maybe enough for some alcoholic beverages, because your life sucks and you want to forget about it for a few hours every night. Your employer comes to you with an offer. You can get promoted and make $680 per week. You get out your calculator and figure out that works out to $17 per hour. You gladly accept this position, plotting your next step to middle management.

But then, something happens. Suddenly it’s expected that you work 45-50 hours per week, instead of the 40 you’re currently working. At 45 hours per week you’re making just 11 cents per hour more than before, and they’ve given you more responsibility because you’re some sort of fancy pants junior management type. Plus, as an hourly employee, those additional hours would most likely be overtime. Nice work, sparky.

Reimbursing You For Expenses

I’m amazed at the number of people who are thrilled to charge stuff for work on their own credit cards just for the sweet, sweet, rewards points.

Your giving your employer an interest free loan. Yes, you’ll get 1-2% of the amount you charge back in rewards points, but unless you’re ballin’ it all over the country it’s not gonna add up to that much. You’re looking at $8 as a reward for giving the company a $400 loan, and that’s even after doing the paperwork and bugging Mildred from accounting 83 times for your g.d. cheque. God, nobody likes Mildred.

Maybe I have an irrational fear of paperwork, but going through all the hassle of saving receipts and filling out forms is hardly a reward for the company using my money for free. How about I use your money?

Mileage

Ah, my favorite of all, mileage. How many of you know somebody like this:

“I got paid $400 extra for mileage and only put $100 worth of gas in my car. I’m banking $300 per paycheque.”

Go ahead and give this person a big ol’ dick punch if you ever catch them saying this. You know they deserve it.

We all know the problem with that logic. It assumes that the only vehicle expense you have is gas, something only a moron would believe. Your car will eventually need repairs, both major and minor. You’ve got to pay for license plates and insurance, even just to protect the other guy. And depreciation is the silent killer everyone always forgets about.

The Canadian government estimates it costs 40 cents per kilometer to run your car. Most employers I know pay right around that amount back to you. You’re not making any money at mileage. This will come back to eventually bite you in the ass. May I suggest taking all of your extra cash paid out from mileage and stick it in a separate account, setting that money aside for the inevitable repair bill?

Think about what a great deal this is for the employer. They pay you what it would cost them to provide you with a car, but don’t have to come up with a nickel up front. That’s how you make money, kids.

Are there more? Probably. Do I care about listing them? Hell to the no. Still, feel free to comment away. I will undoubtedly not respond.

Tell everyone, yo!