Oh, like you didn't see this coming.

Oh, like you didn’t see this coming.

We’ll get back to the hooker in a minute. She’ll wait, assuming one of you pays. Like hell I’m going to.

We all like going away, right? I get told to go away three or four times a day, which always perplexes me because I’m awesome in most every way. You people are mean and possibly racist to white people. It’s the only logical explanation.

Here in Alberta, there are several communities that basically just exist in the summer, which usually surround a lake. People flock to these places when the weather warms up, hoping to get the hell away from their arduous life for a couple of weeks. Houses and campers cram around the lake, with everyone getting their little slice of paradise. I have no idea why this is any better than your own house and yard.

RV people are worse though. Have you been to a campground lately? They cram people in there tighter than the ladies in the harem in my sex dream. People spend tens of thousands of dollars on their trailers and RVs, so they don’t have to go without the comforts of home, even though the whole point of camping is to go without the comforts of home. They crack out the RV three weekends a year, spending hours getting the thing ready, just to go “relax” somewhere with 4,000 other morons. I hate you all.

More Uproar for your eyeballs: Read why camping is the worst. 

Okay, so you insist on going out camping once a year. Or maybe you just LURVE your summer cottage. Fine, I won’t try to talk you out of such stupid decisions. But have you taken the time to figure out how much it costs for you to own these things?

RVs and Trailers

Let’s start with RVs. You’re looking to drop $30-$40k on a somewhat new one with a decent amount of amenities, although you can go up to $100k if you’re really looking to impress the ladies at the campground. Let’s assume $40k for an RV, just for the sake of this argument.

Assuming that RV depreciates 10% a year, you’re shelling out $4k a year in depreciation alone. Plus you’ve got the opportunity cost of spending $40k on it in the first place, not even including any interest if you couldn’t afford to buy the thing outright. You also need to live somewhere with enough room to store it, as well as maintaining it when you aren’t using it. Let’s assume that, everything included, owning a $40k RV will set you back about $5k per year.

Because I know someone who works at an RV rental place, I can tell you guys that, even during busy times in the summer, that you can rent an RV for $200 a night. That doesn’t include gas, or supplies, or even condoms for your ROCKIN’ RV PARTY, but both RV owners and renters would share the same expenses, so the point is moot.

You can do the math. You’d have to spend 25 days a year renting an RV for it to cost as much as a year of ownership. How many RV owners actually make it out for 25 days a summer? (The answer is they’re all retired.) It makes sense for certain people to own RVs, but a lot of others should rent them.

Cottages

Another example? Don’t mind if I do. Let’s take a look at that cottage.

Even during the summer, you can rent a cottage for the week for slightly more than it would cost to pay the property taxes on the thing. If you go during one of the shoulder seasons then you can really maximize your buck. And, if you’re looking to be really frugal, just start hanging out with guys who have cabins. They’ll give you a good deal on rent when they’re not using the thing.

There’s only one reason why you’d own a property on the lake, and that’s pure speculation. Buoyed by Canada’s real estate boom, the prices of recreation properties have shot up over the years, making current owners look like savvy investors. They’re hoping to sit on their properties for a few more years and cash in on the boom when it’s time to kick it. This probably won’t work out.

Many people who have bought these lakefront properties have financed the purchase with equity from their existing house. If my predictions on the future of the real estate market come to fruition, it’ll put even further pressure on the recreational market, since people won’t have the cash to spend on these things.

I understand liking cottage life. Just rent one. You’ll thank me when the cottage you rent is worth $100k less than it is now.

Women

A couple hundred bucks every couple of weeks for a lady of the night will put you ahead of the rest of us suckers who have to indirectly pay for it. Just don’t fall in love with her, ya big suck.

And, as an added bonus, you can easily trade her in for a younger and hotter model. Or you can treat yourself and get two at once. The possibilities are endless.

Tell everyone, yo!