Every year, Money Sense magazine comes out with their list of the best places to live in Canada. They look at everything, from climate to the price of housing to amenities and everything in between. It’s meticulously and logically done, which is why I hate it with every part of me. Especially my loins.

What we need is a guide that incorporates nothing but my baseless beliefs. Not something that focuses on why each city is great, but why they all suck. And luckily for all you, this is such a guide. Ranking amenities such as health care and education? NOPE. Looking at commute times? OH HELL NO. This guide will be based on nothing but outdated stereotypes and jokes that weren’t even funny in 2002. Because that’s the best way to do a best places to live in Canada list. LET’S DO IT UP, YO.

Toronto

Pros: TORONTO BLUE JAYS OH HOW I LOVE THEM ESPECIALLY EDWIN ENCARNACION AND JOSE BAUTISTA AND COLBY RASMUS. (Contented sigh)

Cons: Bay Street douchebags, Toronto Maple Leafs, houses cost a billion dollars, upcoming condo crash.

Hey, let’s all go and live in Toronto. We can be surrounded by hipsters wearing $500 jeans that look like they robbed them off the corpse of a homeless guy, a hockey team that just experienced one of the greatest game 7 collapses of all time, and approximately 557296206 tons of raw sewage and industrial waste in Lake Ontario. OHBOYOHBOYOHBOY.

The real estate market is more expensive than pretty much everywhere else on the planet, so naturally developers are putting up 73 BILLION new highrise condos. Oh, that’ll end well. The only people who can afford a house are Bay Street jerks who not only have a swanky condo downtown, but also a cottage in Muskoka. I want to punch them all in the dick.

Oh, and the mayor is a fat, drunk, crack smoking moron. This is the best guy you could find for the job?

Montreal

Pros: It feels kinds European

Cons: Crumbling infrastructure, no jobs, everyone speaks screwy-ass French, have to deal with Quebec’s crap

Montreal was first settled in 1686 by Jacques Cartier (screw checking that, I’m pretty sure it’s right) and has suffered from an inferiority complex since 1687. Montreal yearns to be as hip and metropolitan as Paris, but fails miserably. They’re a little snobby, but Paris is still snobbier. They speak some bastardized version of French because its citizens are too lazy to speak real French. They’re socialist, but France has them out socialized by a mile.

Montreal has like four square blocks of some old buildings, a giant-ass river, about 3 good poutine shops, and that’s it. Their PST is 4000%, and their condo bubble is about as bad as Toronto’s. They desperately cling to their history because they know the future is just fixing crumbling bridges and bitching about how the English are taking over. They can’t even separate from the damn country right.

Even the Canadiens haven’t won anything in 20 years. Why would I live there? So I can pay $9 in tax for a $1.27 pastry?

Hamilton

Pros: (Bursts into laughter)

Cons: No jobs, everything is dirty, everyone leaves every day to go to Toronto

Next up is the Steel City, even though all the steel plants closed up years ago, mostly because the markets softened and the unions wouldn’t ratchet down their demands. Way to go, Hamilton. Hamilton is Mississauga without the amenities and about 9x the murder rate. People are dying to leave. I can see why.

Everybody from the city just can’t wait to get out of the place, which is definitely something you should keep in mind when moving somewhere. Their slogan should be “Hamilton: at least we’re close to nice places!”

Hamilton is what happens when Toronto takes a dump.

Halifax

Pros: Ocean nearby

Cons: Everyone is drunk, fish for every meal, 8000 feet of snow annually

Next up is Halifax, the place you go if Montreal is just a little too new for your tastes. The city is filled with 100 year old houses, mostly because nobody has enough money to tear them down and build new ones. Chances are you’ll get stuck living between two fishermen, constantly bitching about cod. It’s like talking to a farmer from Alberta, except you can actually understand the farmer.

House prices are considerably cheaper than most other parts of the country, probably because buyers took a look around and realized they were in STUPID HALIFAX. The weather is pretty mild all year, except for 86 consecutive snowstorms in the winter. Nobody in Halifax goes to work, since they’re all too busy shovelling snow.

Oh, and if your fisherman neighbors see you coming home with any other meat besides cod they will kill you and feed your bones to the sharks. Just kidding. There are no sharks because the water is so damn cold. They’ll still kill you.

St. John’s

Pros: Nice scenery

Cons: That stupid half an hour ahead of everyone timezone thing they’ve got going on

WHAT THE HELL IS EVERYONE IN ST. JOHN’S SAYING?

Wrapping things up today is St. John’s, the screwy city that’s a half hour ahead. St. John’s is the only city of consequence in the region, so they still went ahead and made it a half hour ahead of the rest of us. HOW ABOUT YOU JUST FOLLOW ALONG, ST. JOHN’S?

Newfoundland was the first island visited by John Cabot when he discovered Canada, yet they were the last province to join confederation. This explains a lot about Newfoundland and the backwards ways they do almost everything. The province is empty because everybody moved to Alberta for better jobs, and they make Nova Scotians sound like cunning linguists. If you ever visit they will insist you drink a version of whiskey they call screech. Don’t do it. It will dissolve your insides.

Come back next week, where I’ll make fun of western Canada. Assuming Rob Ford doesn’t kidnap me first. Which city will top the list of best places to live in Canada? I dunno, but it’s gonna be CRAZIE.

Tell everyone, yo!