Hey! It’s Christmas! WHOO SANTIE CLAUS AND GETTING DRUNK WITH UNCLE FRANK AND EATING ENOUGH PIE TO FEED 4,938 STARVING AFRICAN KIDS! Go ahead and have a nap, slugger. You deserve it.

But wait! I know you’re getting bored of your family, because SCIENCE! has proven that every family sucks. Yes, especially my family. You should see them. I don’t want to put pictures of them on the internet without their permission, so here’s an artist’s rendering.

I'm probably the tall dude in the back. Or the chick on the left.

I’m probably the tall dude in the back. Or the chick on the left.

Anyway, after that poorly executed Addams Family joke…

You’re probably a little bored, being that you’ve spent all day listening to Grandpa’s stories about the depression. So you’ve escaped to the interwebz for a little finance related reading. And since it’s Christmas, there’s not a whole lot out there. Including here. You have no idea how sorry I can pretend to be.

In lieu of actual content, allow me to present the best of what Financial Uproar had to offer in 2013. If you’re new around here you can click back and maybe check out some stuff that you haven’t read before, or maybe go back and relive just how wrong I was about certain things. I’ll be back next week with some new finance related content.

10. I Have A Terrific Opportunity, But I Need Your Help

I was contacted by the trusted assistant of King¬†Abdoulla Dikembe Mutombo of the royal family of Zimbabwe, with an offer I couldn’t refuse – $50k for my share of 500 trillion Zimbabwe dollars. Do you guys know the fun I could have as a trillionaire? I’d give hobos $100M just to fight for my amusement. Oh man, that’s gonna be sweet. Just a few more weeks and it’ll ALL BE MINE.

9. Money /> Love

This post is kinda funny in hindsight, as I pointed out that, maybe when it comes to love, finding a partner with the best finances shouldn’t be as important as finding someone who makes you laugh or you just enjoy being with. And then literally less than a month later I start dating a girl who does have her financial poop in a group. Yet another reason you shouldn’t listen to a word I say. Especially the unfunny jokes.

8. Why You Shouldn’t Get An Arts Degree, Part 6,382

This was one of my favorite posts to write this year, especially the second part that made fun of Julian, who was all set up to be a lawyer and he wussed out, preferring to live at home and work in a video game store, because apparently he hates money. And really loves his mommy. I make fun of some other chick too.

7. An Interview With A Phone Sex Operator

I was a little disappointed this post didn’t do better, to be honest. What more do you people want? It’s a behind the scenes look at the phone sex industry, including how much girls get paid, how they go about attracting business, and which fetishes are the most profitable. No, there are no numbers you can call. Google them yourself, pervert.

6. A Message To 2013 Graduates

For a while there, it seemed like everyone was writing some sort of message to graduates, probably because we’re all not so slightly disappointed that we weren’t valedictorians so we could make our own speeches. I don’t want to spoil the ending, but mine had something to do with taking care of your money and living an interesting life. Also pizza. Who doesn’t like pizza?

5. No, You Can’t Have It All

This was one of my favorite posts to write ever, motivated by someone one Twitter complaining about how they have too many emails, and how they don’t have time to pursue them all. Remember, life is all about tradeoffs. If you make the choice to work a lot, you won’t have free time, but you’ll presumably have more money. Maybe being a little less busy is the answer.

4. In Lieu of My Own Content, Allow Me To Make Fun of Someone Else’s

Another blogger had some people write in, looking for financial advice. I, uh, had a few problems with what he told them to do. So I called him stupid. We’re not besties, as you can probably imagine.

3. My Application To Be The Bank of Canada Governor

My archives are filled with 658 posts of crap, 6 that are kinda meh, and this gem. I think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever written. And yet, the stupid Bank of stupid Canada didn’t even pick me to be their next stupid Governor. They wanted somebody with “credentials.” SCREW YOU, BANK OF CANADA. I HOPE BRAZIL INVADES US AND TAKES OVER.

2. Finance Fox Is A Dirty Plagiarizer

You all remember this post. It caused quite the commotion. He penned a defiant post on how he wasn’t backing down, and promptly stopped blogging a couple weeks later.

1. F— You, I’m Short Your House

And finally, we’ve got my look at the overvalued Canadian housing market. It’s by far the longest post I’ve ever wrote, coming in around 3,500 words. It’s got everything, including my reasons why I think the housing market is primed for a correction, ways Canadian banks aren’t as prudent as everyone thinks, and a way to short them using options. I even responded to most of the comments.

That’s it kids. Thanks for showing up, and thanks for reading. Dinner is probably about ready now, so I’ll let you go. Merry Christmas and whatnot, and I’ll see you in hell a few days with some new content.

 

Tell everyone, yo!