There was a stock picking contest. You may have heard of it, unless you’re drunk all the time and can barely remember not to soil yourself. That might happen. It was just New Year’s Eve, after all.

A little over a year ago, I asked 12 of the best personal finance blogs out there (and Timeless Finance, who we’re pretty died after a certain Yakezie captain got to him) for their four top stock picks. Stay tuned for tomorrow, when we unveil the new stock picks for 2014. You’ll practically drip with excitement, assuming those are the parts you have.

Anyhoo, when we last looked at the results, Holy Potato was kicking everyone’s collective ass, followed not so closely by JT from the now defunct Money Mamba. Vanessa’s Money was in third place, a fact she’s reminded me of 1,392 times in the last 90 days. Nobody ever said she was original. Let’s find out how everyone finished out the year.

1. Holy Potato (+52.6%)

ALL BOW DOWN TO THE SACRED SPUD!

That’s some nice stock market outperformance, Potato. His top pick was Urbana Corp., which was only up a meager 94.7%. He followed that up with CLC Healthcare, up a piddly 65.9%. And then he picked beleaguered insurance giant AIG, which was up over 45%. And finally, his last pick was HNZ Group, which was only up 4.7%. He must be so embarrassed to have picked HNZ that his other picks barely count.

2. Money Mamba (+47.0%)

Ho hum, another year another fantastic performance by JT, who rocked an almost 50% return but couldn’t quite take the crown home. If it were any other blog they’d compliment his obvious skill and boyish good looks and charm, BUT NOT THIS BLOG, SUCKER. Finishing second is eating him up inside, and I for one couldn’t be happier laughing at his pain. He will amass all the money one day, but for now we all get the last laugh.

3. Boomer and Echo (+37.5%)

Remember how gold stocks all went down the toilet this year? Robb does, because he picked Argonaut Gold, which is surprisingly not staffed only of CFL players. I know, I was surprised too. Even though his gold stock was down almost 50%, he knocked it out of the park with his other three choices, up an average of 65%. He’d be fighting with Potato for the lead if it wasn’t for Argonaut. I mean they’d be literally fighting. I’ve met them both, and they are more violent than a bowel movement after drinking the water in Mexico.

4. Vanessa’s Money (+26.9%)

I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I’m happy my lady friend did well. On the other hand, it kills me inside that she beat me so handily, even though these contests are mostly a crapshoot. If I don’t dominate at this, what will I be able to hold over her head as an advantage? I have a beard. I guess that counts.

5. My Pennies My Thoughts (+20.4%)

I mocked Janine’s picks of Westjet and Amazon all year, and all they did was go up by 43 and 59 percent respectively. It’s reason number 5,392 that you shouldn’t listen to a word I say. Maybe next year if I compliment her picks and talk about what great stocks they are, they’ll go down. THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF.

6. Mochi and Macrons (+19.2%)

Another year, another solid performance for the Macron eater, especially now that she’s pregnant. She’s rode Starbucks for as long as I’ve rode Blackberry, except her stock actually went up. She also had TD Bank go up 23%, a stock I’m actively betting against because I’m bearish on the Canadian housing market. She is nailing this whole “profit by making the opposite decision of Nelson” thing.

7. Thousandaire (+17.0%)

Kevin’s picks went in two directions. His first pair, the gold and silver ETFs, were down 32%, as precious metals continued to be less appealing than my last six jokes. His other two picks, meanwhile, were up over 60% on average. I feel his pain of having one theme pull down results.

8. My Own Advisor (+15.8%)

I always love Mark’s picks. He predictably picks boring old dividend stocks, finishes in the middle of the pack, and knows he’ll never have the embarrassment of finishing last. I think he might be onto something, says the guy who’s already down to eighth place out of thirteen and still hasn’t typed out his own name.

9. Avrex Money (+15.4%)

What exactly is an Avrex, anyway?

10. My University Money (+15.3%)

I like how the MUM guys finished 0.1% behind Avrex Money. OH, SO CLOSE TO SLIGHTLY BETTER MEDIOCRITY. If you remember, they finished something like a hundredth of a percent behind me last year. Math is not being kind to the university guys, which is kinda ironic if you stretch it a bit.

11. Don’t Quit Your Day Job (+9.7%)

I’m being beaten by these chumps? NEXT YEAR’S CONTEST IS CANCELLED.

12. Financial Uproar (+8.7%)

Why do I even try? I pick Blackberry every year, get beaten because it’s the stock market equivalent of a death pie laced with Bubonic Plague, and get cyber bullied worse than what I do on my Twitter account. But hey, Blackberry keeps getting cheaper. And they’ve got some financing now, and a new deal signed with Foxconn to make devices so maybe they won’t have to write off so many handsets in the future, and those patents still have value, and let’s not forget about QNX, the software that goes into so many consoles in autos, and there’s still that enterprise business, and…

“Yes, operator? Get me the number for BB. Yes, it’s like AA but for Blackberry addicts.”

13. Timeless Finance (-4.7%)

Joe set out to finish last, and did. Well played, Joseph. And now he’s dead, so I guess he gets the last laugh somehow.

That’s it kids. Come back tomorrow to see all the new picks. It’ll be sexy.

 

Tell everyone, yo!