Because hey, since we all know I’m going to die by 40 anyway (probably from a hit ordered by some other blogger), I might as well poison my insides first.

My problem with food is that I don’t think things out. I don’t realize when I’m starting to get hungry, and then before I know it I’m starving. And who wants to make food when they’re hungry? I want food and I want it now, dammit. I live in a city these days. The variety is staggering. I have every kind of food I can imagine just a few blocks away from my house. I don’t have the willpower to resist this. I barely have the willpower to resist pizza that fell on the floor.

But because I’m a frugal guy, I want cheap fast food. Is there anything more annoying than going to McDumpsters and plunking down more than $10 for a fast food meal? I could get a real meal for that much. Forget about it. But I’ll gladly plunk down a Wilfred Laurier in exchange for some slightly worse food that helps to slightly extend my waistline and shorten my life by 48 seconds. Don’t fret, I would have squandered those seconds watching baseball.

Onto the choices! If I were you I’d set my stomach to hungry.

5. Arby’s Junior Beef ‘n Cheddar
Cost: About $2

Arby’s sauce is better than sex and more addictive than crack. Either go with this one or find a coupon for 2 for 1 of the regular size Beef ‘n Cheddar. They’re everywhere. Arby’s knows people won’t go there if they have to pay full price.

4. Subway meatball sub
Cost: about $7 for a footlong

While I normally spend a buck and a half more and go with the steak and cheese (fun fat guy fact: they usually give you more cheese when you ask for shredded), the meatball sub is clearly the better value. The amount of meat in that bad boy is amazing, even though it probably makes the taco bell “beef” seem like filet mignon in comparison. But screw it. The sauce they put on it is good too, and they’ll give you lots of vegetables if you ask nicely.

The only problem is eating the damn thing. The meatballs fall out if you’re not careful, which causes a chain reaction with the vegetables. I once ate a meatball sub and had to go back up to the register to ask for a fork, just so I could eat the rest of my meatball sub. Still though, it’s a small price to pay. You’ll walk out stuffed.

3. McDonald’s McGangbang
Cost: $1.39 x 2

What’s a McGangbang you ask? No, it’s not an orgy in the bathroom. That would get in the way of the homeless people doing meth, at least if my local McDonald’s is any indication.

A McGangbang is a McDouble with a Junior Chicken stuffed inside. You separate the McDouble in between the patties and stick the junior chicken in there, bun and all. Here’s the result:


If you’re going to ruin the picture (which he “borrowed” from someone else, albeit with credit) then go nuts. Don’t make it so you can barely see the guy’s site.

You’ll see suggestions that you take out some of the extra buns. DO SO AT YOUR OWN PERIL. It makes it a little easier sandwich to eat, but your losing all those carbs. Those are the magic things that fill you up. Oh, and don’t get mayo on the chicken. If you do you might as well kill yourself. Same thing with mustard on the burger.

2. Taco Bell build your own box
Cost: $5

For $5 you get two tacos, fries (or nachos), dessert, and a drink. It doesn’t get much better than that. Seriously, most everything at Taco Bell is a terrific value. Just don’t expect actual meat. And if there’s a booger in your food, you should probably eat it. It’s the closest thing in that meal to actual food.

1. Little Caesar’s 
Cost: $5.55 for pizza, $4 for Crazy Bread

The amount of food you can get for $9.55 at Little Caesar’s is amazing. You get a whole medium pizza – with sparse toppings, but what do you expect for $5.55 you cheap bastard – and 6 large bread sticks. They’re practically the size of a loaf of bread, and they’re coated with enough garlic and butter to send you into cardiac arrest.

There’s enough food that you’re basically looking at two meals. And that’s coming from me, the guy who once ate 78 Chicken McNuggets. And then promptly threw up 78 Chicken McNuggets. I wouldn’t recommend doing that.

That’s about it, kids. Stay tuned for next week when someone has to hack onto my blog just to announce to the world I’m dead.

Tell everyone, yo!