Many of you invest in the stock market, whether you do it through individual stocks, ETFs, or (shudder) mutual funds. Getting dividends from these investments is perhaps the greatest form of passive income out there, and the market represents the easiest way for the average person to save for a time where they won’t need to work anymore.

If you’ve spent more than a minute and a half here – and if you haven’t, what the hell is wrong with you? – you’ll know I constantly advocate researching before you invest. Too many investors read an article on some stock they’ve become interested in, decide it’s all good, and plunk down their cash.

Besides that, there are many people who don’t even know how the stock market itself works. We all know the basics, but there are all sorts of interesting things about the market which you haven’t even heard of. Luckily for you, I’m about to blow your mind. Feel free to repeat these at parties, but only if you want to impress your companion.

1. The stock market is named after former Boston Bruin enforcer P.J. Stock’s great, great, great grandfather, when he started selling chunks of a company that didn’t actually exist. The company was named Stocks.

2. The stock market rhymes with cock market, which sounds like a place where you’d buy and sell roosters but actually isn’t. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

3. The two parties involved in the millionth trade of the day get coupons for free Frosties at Wendy’s.

4. The stock market operates under the system of “no take backs”, no matter how hard you complain.

5. In China they call the stock market 股市, which translates to “the stock market.”

6. The Toronto Stock Exchange is fully electronic, because Canadians are too polite to shout over top of each other on a trading floor.

7. The person who helps you trade on the stock market is called a broker because he’ll probably make you broker! That’s an example of a stock market joke.

8. The board of directors of Microsoft tried to give each shareholder a Zune music player instead of a dividend in 2006, causing the share price to fall 99.97% until they changed their mind 18 minutes later. This was known as the ‘flash crash.’

9. The stock market has these things called options. They are very much like dinner options, where you can either take it or leave it.

10. In order for a broker to trade stocks on the stock market, they must buy a seat. Seats cost millions of dollars but aren’t even that comfortable. They recline but don’t vibrate. Ripoff.

11. If the stock market was a girl, it would be named Sally. Or Sarah. Definitely something starting with S, because that’s what stock market starts with. It would probably also have big boobs.

12. If the stock market was a character on Pawn Stars, it would be Chumlee, because both are kinda kooky and hilarious.

13. The stock market is only open from 9:30am to 4pm, because it is really a bank from 1989 in disguise.

14. There are instruments which trade on the stock market called ETFs, which you think stands for exchange traded funds. But you are wrong. ETF really stands for excitable tushie fanatics, a group of guys who like big butts and cannot tell an untruth about this fact no matter how hard they might attempt to make such a thing happen.

15. Sometimes the stock market gets overvalued, which is called a bubble. Bubbles are easily diffused by getting chewing gum and blowing your own bubble, which negates the original bubble because science.

16. Girls were only allowed to invest in the stock market in 1974 because they kept failing a basic math exam needed to get in. Historians speculate that they cheated on this test by getting J. Edgar Hoover to dress up in a wig and take it.

17. Companies used to issue actual stock certificates to owners of their shares, but now they don’t bother because like your position matters, loser. We’re going to do whatever we want anyway and when the shares go down you don’t want to admit you own our shares anyway, so we’ll just save you the time.

18. There’s a classic video game about the stock market. It’s called Wolfenstein 3D.

19. Cats aren’t allowed to invest in the stock market. Dogs are, but only if it’s one of those dogs that has received a credit card offer in the mail.

20. The stock market is closed on the weekend because it likes to relax with a nice round of golf and maybe a cold beverage and GOD DEBBIE I’LL CUT THE GRASS LATER GEEZ.

21. The stock market is like an orange. If you don’t get that analogy, I can’t explain it to you.

I hope you enjoyed these stock market facts, which further prove I’m kind of an expert on stocks. If you have any further questions on stocks, feel free to ask them in the comments. I like to teach most of all.

Tell everyone, yo!