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Suze: Welcome back to the Suze Orman show, everybody! It’s time for our popular segment, Can I Afford It?, where you tell me what you want to buy, and I tell you whether you can afford it. We’re thrilled to have a special guest on today’s show, from the popular Financial Uproar blog, Nelson Smith. Nelson, welcome to the show!

Nelson: Thanks Suz. Nice pantsuit.

Suze: Ready for the segment?

Nelson: Wait, why did you even let me come on the show? It didn’t turn out so well the last time you had a personal finance blogger on the show. Of course, that was after that whole prepaid debit card fiasco. How’d that work out?

Suze: It revolutionized the way people manage their money. There are so many benefits, I don’t even know where to begin.

Nelson: Don’t. Let’s talk to the first caller.

Suze: Hey. I get to say that. HI GIRLFRIEND, THANKS SO MUCH FOR CALLING THE SUZE ORMAN SHOW.

Girl: OMG SUZE I LOVE YOUR SHOW!

Suze: What do you want to buy?

Girl: A jet ski!

Suze: Why?

Girl: To go jet skiing?

Suze: SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Girl: We make $59k per year, expenses are $40k. We have a $40k emergency fund, and owe $52k in student loans. There’s a little money in retirement, like $5k. We plan to save up the $7k needed to buy the jet ski before buying it.

Suze: Okay, girlfriend, do you plan to rock those student loans?

Girl: YES! I’ll be so inspired to pay down my debt while jet skiing!

Nelson: Oh sweet Jesus, she’s a debt blogger. Do you have a blog?

Girl: No, but I’m thinking of starting one! I need inspiration!

Nelson: I swear, you people are trolling me.

Suze: Girlfriend, you are APPROVED!

Nelson: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!?!?! Why don’t you tell her to pay down her student loans first? Or use some of that $40k in cash against her debts?

Suze: I like emergency funds. She has one. Go ahead and have fun on that jet ski. But only if you invite me along!

Girl: OH MY GOD I’m so happy. Of course you can come jet skiing with us, Suze!

Nelson: Next caller, please.

Suze: I told you, I get to do that.

Nelson: Okay, geez. I wouldn’t want you to do anything drastic, like swearing off men forever.

Suze: I’m being told we have a very special caller to the Suze Orman show. This is Madelyn, who is 8 years old. Madelyn, please go ahead sweetheart.

Madelyn: Thanks Suze! I really like your show. Me and my daddy watch every week.

Suze: Aww, that’s great. What’s your favorite part of the show?

Madelyn: The part where you tell people what they are allowed to buy. Daddy helps me guess when you are going to say no.

Suze: I’m so happy you’re taking an interest in money at such an early age. Madelyn, what do you want to buy?

Madelyn: A new bike!

Nelson: How much does it cost?

Madelyn: $250, which includes a awesome helmet and racing stripes and tassels.

Suze: Great. Madelyn, show me the money!

Madelyn: Okay, I have $300 saved, from my allowance and from birthday presents from my grandma. My parents give me $10 per week for my allowance. I plan to pay for the bike with my savings.

Suze: Sounds good Madelyn. I just have one more question. What color is the bike?

Madelyn: It’s pink. My favorite color.

Suze: Okay, I’ve made my decision. Would you like to hear it, Madelyn?

Madelyn: Yes, please.

Suze: YOU ARE DENIED!

Nelson: What?

Suze: DENIED!

Madelyn: (bursts into tears)

Nelson: Why… why… why would you tell that little girl she can’t have a bike?

Suze: $50 is not a suitable emergency fund.

Madelyn: (through her tears) What’s… an… emergency… fund?

Suze: Madelyn, you need savings in case you lose your job.

Madelyn: Why would I lose my job? The dishwasher still needs to be unloaded. Every night too.

Suze: You need to plan for the unexpected. What if your Daddy DIES IN HIS SLEEP WHILE BEING STRANGLED BY THE MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET?

Madelyn: (starts to cry again) Daddy! Suze Orman says you’re going to die!

Dad: Don’t worry sweetheart. Daddy isn’t going anywhere. Except to the TV to block CNBC forever.

Nelson: What in the hell is wrong with you?

Suze: DENIED!

Nelson: Do, you, like, get off whenever you say denied?

Suze: I’m shaping her financial life. I’m doing her a favor.

Nelson: Little girl, listen. Go buy that bike! Ride it all around the neighborhood! Don’t listen to anything this woman has to say.

Suze: No. Madelyn, have you even begun to save for your college education?

Nelson: For Christ’s sake woman, she’s 8.

Madelyn: Is college what happens after I’m 18?

Nelson: Let’s cut to a commercial. One of us will be right back. The other one will be bashing his head against the wall.

 

Tell everyone, yo!