Suze: Welcome back to the Suze Orman show, everybody! It’s time for our popular segment, Can I Afford It?, where you tell me what you want to buy, and I tell you whether you can afford it. We’re thrilled to have a special guest on today’s show, from the popular Financial Uproar blog, Nelson Smith. Nelson, welcome to the show!
Nelson: Thanks Suz. Nice pantsuit.
Suze: Ready for the segment?
Nelson: Wait, why did you even let me come on the show? It didn’t turn out so well the last time you had a personal finance blogger on the show. Of course, that was after that whole prepaid debit card fiasco. How’d that work out?
Suze: It revolutionized the way people manage their money. There are so many benefits, I don’t even know where to begin.
Nelson: Don’t. Let’s talk to the first caller.
Suze: Hey. I get to say that. HI GIRLFRIEND, THANKS SO MUCH FOR CALLING THE SUZE ORMAN SHOW.
Girl: OMG SUZE I LOVE YOUR SHOW!
Suze: What do you want to buy?
Girl: A jet ski!
Girl: To go jet skiing?
Suze: SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Girl: We make $59k per year, expenses are $40k. We have a $40k emergency fund, and owe $52k in student loans. There’s a little money in retirement, like $5k. We plan to save up the $7k needed to buy the jet ski before buying it.
Suze: Okay, girlfriend, do you plan to rock those student loans?
Girl: YES! I’ll be so inspired to pay down my debt while jet skiing!
Nelson: Oh sweet Jesus, she’s a debt blogger. Do you have a blog?
Girl: No, but I’m thinking of starting one! I need inspiration!
Nelson: I swear, you people are trolling me.
Suze: Girlfriend, you are APPROVED!
Nelson: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!?!?! Why don’t you tell her to pay down her student loans first? Or use some of that $40k in cash against her debts?
Suze: I like emergency funds. She has one. Go ahead and have fun on that jet ski. But only if you invite me along!
Girl: OH MY GOD I’m so happy. Of course you can come jet skiing with us, Suze!
Nelson: Next caller, please.
Suze: I told you, I get to do that.
Nelson: Okay, geez. I wouldn’t want you to do anything drastic, like swearing off men forever.
Suze: I’m being told we have a very special caller to the Suze Orman show. This is Madelyn, who is 8 years old. Madelyn, please go ahead sweetheart.
Madelyn: Thanks Suze! I really like your show. Me and my daddy watch every week.
Suze: Aww, that’s great. What’s your favorite part of the show?
Madelyn: The part where you tell people what they are allowed to buy. Daddy helps me guess when you are going to say no.
Suze: I’m so happy you’re taking an interest in money at such an early age. Madelyn, what do you want to buy?
Madelyn: A new bike!
Nelson: How much does it cost?
Madelyn: $250, which includes a awesome helmet and racing stripes and tassels.
Suze: Great. Madelyn, show me the money!
Madelyn: Okay, I have $300 saved, from my allowance and from birthday presents from my grandma. My parents give me $10 per week for my allowance. I plan to pay for the bike with my savings.
Suze: Sounds good Madelyn. I just have one more question. What color is the bike?
Madelyn: It’s pink. My favorite color.
Suze: Okay, I’ve made my decision. Would you like to hear it, Madelyn?
Madelyn: Yes, please.
Suze: YOU ARE DENIED!
Madelyn: (bursts into tears)
Nelson: Why… why… why would you tell that little girl she can’t have a bike?
Suze: $50 is not a suitable emergency fund.
Madelyn: (through her tears) What’s… an… emergency… fund?
Suze: Madelyn, you need savings in case you lose your job.
Madelyn: Why would I lose my job? The dishwasher still needs to be unloaded. Every night too.
Suze: You need to plan for the unexpected. What if your Daddy DIES IN HIS SLEEP WHILE BEING STRANGLED BY THE MONSTER IN YOUR CLOSET?
Madelyn: (starts to cry again) Daddy! Suze Orman says you’re going to die!
Dad: Don’t worry sweetheart. Daddy isn’t going anywhere. Except to the TV to block CNBC forever.
Nelson: What in the hell is wrong with you?
Nelson: Do, you, like, get off whenever you say denied?
Suze: I’m shaping her financial life. I’m doing her a favor.
Nelson: Little girl, listen. Go buy that bike! Ride it all around the neighborhood! Don’t listen to anything this woman has to say.
Suze: No. Madelyn, have you even begun to save for your college education?
Nelson: For Christ’s sake woman, she’s 8.
Madelyn: Is college what happens after I’m 18?
Nelson: Let’s cut to a commercial. One of us will be right back. The other one will be bashing his head against the wall.