I guess I could have published this piece yesterday, except I’m (spoiler alert!) not in last place, and therefore everyone would have thought it was a bad April Fool’s joke. Well the joke’s on them, because every April Fool’s joke is a bad April Fool’s joke. Go ahead and never make any again. Why does everyone decide to try to be a comedian on the day when everyone’s expecting you to be a comedian? One of the ways to be funny is to say unexpected things. And no, saying the opposite thing you normally do on a certain day doesn’t count. Just don’t bother.

Anyhoo, onto the contest. The S&P 500 is up a couple percent so far in 2014, slightly outpaced by the Dow Jones Industrial Average and the TSX Composite. How did our collection of misfit bloggers do compared to the index? As you’ll see, not even close. Results were all over the map.

1. Avrex Money +14.53%

We already have a stock up more than 60%, as shares in biotech firm Myriad Genetics closed the quarter up 62.9%. Or as Andrew calls it “ho-hum, I called it no big deal.” And this is after one of the worst quarters for NASDAQ listed biotech names since the economy crapped all over itself in 2008. Well played, young Avrex.

2. Save. Spend. Splurge. +11.65

Solidly in second place comes Mochi, or Saver Spender, or whatever the hell her alias is these days. Maybe she should start calling herself Stock Picker, since she keeps getting some solid results in this contest. She picked BlackBerry, much to my delight, except it’s actually up for the quarter. It’s higher to the tune of 13.16%, because OF COURSE it goes up right after I don’t pick it. As you’ll see in a minute, I could have been beating everyone if I picked BlackBerry instead of my loser stock.

3. Financial Uproar +8.60%

3rd place? I’LL TAKE IT.

My big dog was Reitmans, down more than 14% since the beginning of the year. Even though I would be leading if I chose BlackBerry instead, I regret nothing. Reitmans is a solid turnaround name that I think will be a triple five years from now. I’d like to buy more of the stock if it gets below $5.50 per share, but it’s pretty stubbornly staying above that level. If it doesn’t do so soon, I’ll probably end up buying in the $5.60-$5.65 level. I was just a little early on the name, which I often am. AND I’M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT STOCKS. HEYO!

4. My Own Advisor +7.68%

Mark’s boring picks did pretty well over the first three months of the year, proving that slow and steady wins you the race if wins you the race really means not embarrassing yourself. Wells Fargo did well for him, which is kind of a fun stock.

5. Vanessa’s Money +5.05%

Even though Vanessa just picked stocks out of her ass, she’s doing relatively well. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Always pull things out of your ass.

6. Boomer and Echo +2.82%

Robb’s picks just barely beat the index, and that means that a majority of bloggers in this contest managed to outperform an ETF that follows the S&P 500. WE DID IT YOU GUYS. WE SHOULD ALL START A FUND.

Remember last year when he picked a gold stock, and it caused him to lose the whole damn competition? I’m too lazy to double check that, but let’s just assume it’s true. He apparently didn’t learn, picking coal and metal miner Teck Resources. It’s down more than 13%. The moral of the story is never buy a stock that pulls stuff out of the ground. Unless it’s little girls who have fallen down wells.

7. Don’t Quit Your Day Job -2.43%

PK picked a bunch of weird exchange traded products that go up when the market goes down (or something. Again, I’m lazy), and got punished by one of his weird-ass products which just stopped trading at the end of January. That bad boy has permanently lost him 4.33%, and I for one couldn’t be happier. That’s what you get for being all freaky dekey.

8. My Pennies My Thoughts -2.55%

Janine picked actual companies, they just didn’t do that well. Baidu cost her the most, as the stock was down more than 14%. I’m assuming the Chinese just stopped searching for things. I blame the government. Or maybe Japan. I bet the government blamed Japan.

9. My University Money/Young and Thrifty -2.82%

The boys from these two websites are big proponents of exchange traded funds, and you can see why with these results. Sometimes, when you pick individual stocks, they do down more than the index. That’s kind of embarrassing. Ask these guys, they’ll tell you all about it.

Their worst pick was Stamps.com, which was down 20%. That’s a website that sells postage. I’m assuming it went down because investors’ collective heads exploded at the oxymoron.

10. Holy Potato -6.98%

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Just a few short months after kicking our collective asses, the saintly spud has lost all his magic. I guess it’s really proof that God exists, and he hates potatoes.

His worst performing stock was Canexus, a chemical company that produces sodium chlorate and chlor-alkali products for water treatment and pulp and paper. That doesn’t seem like a stock that should fall 28% in the first quarter. Maybe that means you should look at it. Or maybe it means you shouldn’t. I don’t care, do whatever you want. Just keep showing back up here.

Tell everyone, yo!