Hey, we’re a day early, but what the hell? If you’re Canadian, chances are you’re not even at work anyway. Slacker. And believe me, I would know. It’s the results of the stock picking contest.

Anyhoo, when we last visited the stock picking contest, Andrew from Avrex Money had a comfortable lead over Save. Spend. Splurge., while YOUR BOY Financial Uproar rode the success of ultra risky Career Education Corp. all the way up to third place, which is perhaps his greatest result of all time. Holy Potato was bringing up the rear, just a mere 90 days after taking home 2013’s crown. We all laughed at him. And by we, I mean me. You’re not surprised.

How will things look after another quarter? Will I run out of jokes by 6th place again (PROBABLY!)? Let’s find out.

1. Don’t Quit Your Day Job (25.3%)*

Dammit, I’m putting a big ol’ asterisk behind DQYDJ’s impressive run from negative territory in Q1 to leading the whole stock picking contest a quarter later. In a violation of the spirit of the contest (but not an actual rule, in his defense), he picked 3 stocks weren’t even stocks. One is a 3 times levered play on the S&P 500, while another was an inverse play on the VIX, the most widely followed volatility index. I’m not even sure what the third one does.

Enjoy your tainted victory, PK.

2. Avrex Money (19.2%)

Hey, somebody who picked actual stocks for a STOCK PICKING CONTEST. Now we’re talking.

Buoyed by something called Myriad Genetics, which was up 85%, Andrew’s performance was pretty outstanding. No word on whether Myriad Genetics intentionally makes your genetics a myriad, but let’s go with yes.

Hoo boy. We’re two people in, and the jokes already suck.

3. Save. Spend. Splurge. (18.2%)

Last quarter’s winners are continuing to do good, apparently.

Remember how I made fun of her because one of her choices was BlackBerry? Funny story. Thanks to earnings that were less crappy than the street hoped, BlackBerry’s shares are up more than 30% in 2014. This is after I picked that stupid dog for YEARS PRIOR I SWEAR TO GOD I’M GOING TO WATERLOO TO FIGHT SOMEBODY.

I mean…good for her. May it bring her continued success.

4. Vanessa’s Money (15.9%)

Vanessa picked her stocks based on initials of people she liked. She’s the living embodiment of that monkey that made stock picks. Or was it a cat? Maybe it was a chicken. Anyway, the point is, she’s doing pretty well, so maybe we should all pick stocks based on things we like. Is there anything under the BOOB ticker symbol?

5. My Own Advisor (+14.8%)

Hey, it’s Mark, in the middle of the pack, just like always. He picked such exciting names as Dundee Office REIT, TD Bank, and Wells Fargo. That’s like going to Vegas and putting it all down on $1 blackjack. It’s prudent, just not very exciting. At least he’d have enough left over for a buffet afterwards. But nowhere fancy, for obvious reasons.

6. Holy Potato (5.6%)

God’s favorite spud has clawed his way out of the basement, and into a respectable 6th place. Atlantic Power (up 17%) and Dream Global REIT (up 22%) were his winners, while Canexus (down 27%) was his big loser. Look for a writeup on Canexus on this very blog soon.

No word on whether Dream Global REIT is just a regular or wet dream. You’ll all have to ask the potato that one. DIBS.

7. Financial Uproar (3.1%)

NOT TERRIBLE.

After cruising to an almost 50% return in the first quarter, Career Education Corp sunk faster than the job prospects of one of its graduates, falling back to below the imaginary purchase price. But Alcoa was a big winner, rising more than 40%, and basically saving my ass. And to think, I just about didn’t pick it.

Related: Some words about investing in for-profit colleges.

Reitmans and Automodular essentially went sideways. More on Reitmans tomorrow when I do my quarterly Uproar Fund update.

8. Boomer and Echo (1.2%)

Robb’s pick of Canadian Oil Sands was a good one, rising almost 25% including its juicy dividend. That was offset by Teck Resources, which fell more than 17% because of weak coal prices and a crummy Chinese outlook.

In conclusion, something about his mother.

9. My Pennies My Thoughts (-1.6%)

MORE LIKE MY PENNIES MY BAD STOCK PICKS. OH ZING STILL GOT IT.

Actually, 3 out of Janine’s 4 picks weren’t so bad. But she was brought down by Annie’s Naturals, the company that makes that stupid all-natural macaroni and cheese. It’s 3x as much for a box, and the (possibly lethal) dye in Kraft Dinner is a billion times better. No wonder this stock went down.

10. My University Money/Young and Thrifty/Possibly other finance sites/Nambla.com (-2.7%)

Kyle constantly preaches that investors should just stick to index funds, and I for one am relieved that he is so committed to his mantra that he intentionally made crappy picks to finish in last place, like a certain other finance blogger did last year.

(Whispers in my ear)

Wait, I’m being told that such stock picks as Stamps.com (down 20%) and IBM (down 2%) were actual serious picks. Uh, wow. Stamps.com? What a great idea, selling postage online. You know who uses postage? PEOPLE WITHOUT THE INTERNET. And IBM? What’s it done lately since building that stupid smart computer? That thing is a 20 million dollar party favor. I’m sure IBM’s staff has grown so bored of it that it’s locked in a broom closet with Microsoft’s Zune and that BlackBerry tablet. Nice work, IBM.

 

 

 

Tell everyone, yo!