It’s Thursday, which means it’s Vanessa time. Hey, at least somebody is writing in this thing. 

If you read quality academic studies of economies under dictatorships, you’ll find that the economy generally falters. However, in the entirely unscientific survey that I took with my English class, 3/4 people think that the best way to grow an economy is by having an authoritative leader. THAT’S 75% OF ALL KOREANS! #stats

“Surely she must be joking!” you’re all saying. “Dictators have terrible human right violation records and democracy is A+!” Yes, well, like all pretend economic situations, we must make A LOT of crazy assumptions. Also, in economics, human rights don’t exist — the sole use of your population is to provide labour and to spend money.

Let’s play that balanced budget game — the one where you have to cut spending and raise taxes in order to balance the federal budget. As a regular politician, I would have to think about my population… They need better education, a good, safe neighbourhood, etc. As a dictator, I need to focus on spending money to grow the economy and to protect myself from a potentially riotous population (highly paid military, anyone?). Obamacare? Gone. Social Security? Gone. Tariffs? Raised. Corporate taxes? Eliminated.

The result of these cuts in the newly-named Vanessaland is that businesses will come and grow, GDP and incomes will rise and after many years, I can reinstate health card and social security. Remember, in a purely economic exercise we don’t need to concern ourselves with the basic needs of the people. If the people happen to have a hard time surviving, they would simply be considered to not be dedicated enough to the ultimate goal of a strong Vanessaland economy.

To be clear, we are not talking about communism. There is no centralized economy that’s making sure that enough loaves of bread make it to each city and stopping citizens from moving for work. No, no, no. People are free to do whatever they’d like (except rebel!) and can live wherever they choose. I’m not a monster.

Now that we’ve outlined the reasons why dictatorships are good for the economy, let’s liken this to a family. In most families, a single person is in charge of the whole family’s money — he/she collects the income, doles out the allowances and saves the rest. This is how it should be, OMG. I don’t want to sit and have a parliament-like discussion every week to balance the budget or talk about a new spending demand. Likewise, I don’t want to open my bank account one day and see that someone has spent my our savings.

From a purely economic standpoint, my way makes sense. I get to plan out the number of coffees that I buy a week and, since we already know that boyfriends are expensive, I can cut someone’s spending down to one Subway sandwich a week instead of a heart-stopping SEVEN. (Ed. note: It’s not seven, dammit) Pre-dictator spending: $14+$84. Post-dictator spending: $14+$12. Total savings: $72. GO VANESSA!

Unfortunately, I can’t look at relationships and families from an economic point of view. I mean, it’s ok for a country’s population to hate a dictator — he has an army for protection! — but, I sort of need my family to like me if I’d like to wake up the next morning.

(Nelson’s note: I’ve been known to refer to democracy as “the lowest common denominator.” I think if by some miracle that we could find somebody who was smart and not corrupt to run the country, we should do so and just put them in charge. The problem is, as we all know, that power corrupts. Looks like we’ll just have to stick with our system.)

Tell everyone, yo!