If the readers (and authors) of personal finance blogs are any indication, approximately 99.2% of you have a side hustle. Congratulations! Can I borrow some of that scratch?

Whether the side hustle is blogging, refereeing sports, cutting grass, or my favorite, dealing a few drugs on the side, it’s generally agreed by personal finance experts that people should have some sort of sideline job or business that generates a few hundred bucks a month. It helps pay down debt, and keeps someone occupied so they don’t get bored and spend money. And sometimes, that sideline business leads into a lucrative new career.

Note: I have been advised by my lawyer (Lionel Hutz) that I DO NOT, in fact, sell drugs. I just admire those who do, because they have so many friends. I have also been advised by my lawyer that he does not actually exist.

Many people who are looking for work will put ads up on Kijiji or the Craigslist, advertising all sorts of services. Folks who need simple jobs done like lawn care, moving, or basic home repairs can just crack open their laptops and browse a multitude of people who are willing to do their crap work. Or they can pick up a Mexican in a Home Depot parking lot. Either or.

One day I went on Kijiji and looked at what kind of people were looking for work. And, well, it wasn’t pretty. I took some screenshots for later mocking purposes, and now I’ve finally loaded them on my computer. Consider these a textbook example on how to NOT get a part-time job. Or a full-time job. Or much of anything at all, besides my mocking scorn.

Like this first guy, who is very skilled.

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Get used to the run-on sentence. You’ll be seeing a lot of those.

Maybe I shouldn’t laugh at this guy, since he apparently just got his tools stolen, but screw it. Judging by his spelling and grammar, he left them all out in the front yard with a detailed explanation of just how much the pawnshop would pay for each. He’s also “very skillful,” which I’m mostly impressed that he didn’t spell with a q and $.

Also, how’s he supposed to do renos without tools?

Next up, Kelly K.

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FOR GOD’S SAKE PEOPLE GET A SPELLCHECK THIS ISN’T HARD. LAYBOUR? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

Kelly K is 21 years “young,” which means he won’t yearn for the good ol’ days of rock and/or roll and will probably take several breaks during the day to smoke the wacky tabaccy. He has experiance (sic) in almost everything, presumably including quantum physics, international diplomacy, designing and building a 3D printer, and authoring a paper on the breeding habits of the pigmy marmoset.

But hey, at least he ended his ad with a smiley face, which makes him 100% not crazy.

Unlike this next guy.

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HI MY NAME IS NELSON AND I HAVE A BLOG ITS CALLED FINANCIAL UPROAR I THINK IT’S THE BEST BLOG YOU MIGHT NOT THINK SO BUT THAT’S OKAY WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS WANNA BE FRIENDS PLEASE EMAIL ME OR CALL ME OR TEXT ME OR SNAPCHAT ME OR WHATEVER ELSE THE KIDS DO LIKE TWITTER OR FACEBOOK BUT I’M NOT DESPERATE I’LL TAKE WHATEVER YOU HAVE P.S. I AM NOT A CRACKPOT.

This next guy has some interesting expectations.

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“Hey, thanks for coming to the interview.”

“No problem.”

“So, what kind of job are you looking for?”

“I was thinking about something amazing, yet also simple.”

“…What does that even mean?”

“You know… Amazing. But simple.”

“I see. Okay, you’re hired!”

“Really?!”

“Yep.”

“Oh boy! That’s great!”

“And now you’re fired.”

“What!?!? Why?”

“I just wanted to have the opportunity to fire your stupid ass. This seemed like the easiest way.”

Anyone need a claner?

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I shouldn’t make fun. This ad is pretty obviously from a recent immigrant who’s just looking to pick up some cash. But I really enjoyed the first line. Very direct and exactly what I’d imagine a serial killer saying.

This next guy is my favorite.

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If this ad actually worked, my hat is off to you, Chad. It takes a special guy to admit that he’s gonna need to get paid in advance before he finishes a job. Seems like a capital way to hire a guy off Kijiji.

I like to imagine Chad getting email responses to this ad that offer him work with the condition being that he gets paid when he’s finished (like, you know, a normal job), and him getting all indignant with the audacity of such offers. HOW DARE THEY. Do they not know who I am? I AM CHAD, and I’m gonna need an advance.

Chad has some pretty high expectations for a guy who calls himself “expericed.”

Oh hey, it’s a hooker.

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Oh, Tiffany. You’re not fooling anybody.

Imagine a nervous virgin, just wanting to get the deed out of the way. He’s browsing Kijiji one day, and he comes across Tiffany here. He thinks she’s cute and wouldn’t mind paying her to have a go. But because she didn’t come out an explicitly say she does dudes for cash, our virgin chickens out and Tiffany is waiting for the phone to ring.

Being a hooker is a tough gig. Find yourself another job, Tiff. But hey, at least she’s flexible.

The sad part is? There’s a million of these. People, get your act together.

Tell everyone, yo!