Because, hey, let’s create a convenient excuse for the poop jokes. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

I’m not gonna lie, one of the reasons why I wanted to go to Japan is because I wanted to try a bidet. It’s like a magical invention that nobody wants to talk about because of the, uh, dirty work it does. But I was curious. What did it feel like? Did it get everything? And was there really a camera in it like on that episode of the Simpsons?

And then Vanessa and I stayed at a hotel in Seoul that had one. I tried, and wasn’t so impressed. It just couldn’t do the job as well as toilet paper, if you catch my drift.

But after a couple weeks in Japan, I’ve gotten a lot better at bidet form. There’s a button you can push which warms up the seat, which I assume is quite nice on a cold winter’s morn. I like the water warm, but not too warm. And I like that you can adjust the pressure depending on the amount of… residue left behind and the tenderness of your… parts.

Geez. Restraint is hard. I deserve a Nobel Prize. HEY. If Obama gets one, so should I.

Now? I’m sold on them. It takes a little longer because there’s drying time involved, but that’s a minor setback. It takes just a little shuffling to hit all the right spots. You’re not going to run out of toilet paper halfway through, and there’s zero chance of embarrassing clogs afterwards.

So naturally, I’m looking to buy a bidet for when I get back to Canada and get my own house.

But does it pay for itself in the long run? Let’s take a look.

Crunchin’ numbers, yo

First of all, we have to figure out how much toilet paper the average person uses, before we can even think about figuring out whether it’s worth it to buy a bidet. Luckily, I’ve been keeping detailed notes on a notepad next to my throne since 2003. FINALLY, TRACKING BOWEL MOVEMENTS IS ABOUT TO PAY OFF.

Just kidding. Eww, all caps Nelson. Eww.

I did what anyone else would do. I hit the Google machine. Luckily for us, toilet paper folks have been tracking this stuff for a while, because apparently it’s not gross when you sell toilet paper.

(Aside: imagine being that guy and talking about what you do at a party. “Well, John, I track to see how much toilet paper people use to wipe… Hey! Where are you going?”)

Anyway, they figured it out. And the verdict? The average American spends about $50 per year keeping their ass clean. Well, mostly clean for some of you. That’s 49,000 sheets per year. Another study put it like this — the average person uses 57 sheets of toilet paper per day. Which is about half of what the original guy says.

Maybe we should ask someone else. Luckily, Trent Hamm has some thoughts.

So if the average person spends $50 per year to keep their butt from stinking up the joint, then figuring out whether or not to buy a bidet is a fairly easy calculation. If you can buy a bidet for a reasonable price, the return is certainly there.

So I went on Amazon, thinking there’d be one or two there.

Turns out there are about 60. And that’s just on Amazon.ca. Apparently the Japanese manufacturers have been busy trying to market to North America.

If you want to go cheap, there’s The Pure Clean Bidet Attachment, which retails for a whole $37.71 (plus free shipping). It’s an attachment you install on the side of your toilet that uses water pressure to operate. There’s no electrical components, which means no heated water and no warm toilet seat in the winter. Oh, the sacrifices we have to make for money. 20/25 people have given it a 5-star ranking.

We don’t want the cheap way to buy a bidet, dammit. We want quality! Our asses deserve it!

For a mere $290, you can get the Swash 300 Bidet , which is a pretty clever name if you ask me. It has all the bells and whistles, like the heated seat, separate settings for washing girl parts too, and apparently it cleans itself. It also comes with a remote, and looks pretty damn cool. The reviews say it isn’t great if you’re a large person, but other than that people tend to like it.

There’s more too. You can buy a bidet that costs almost $1,000. I assume that’s the kind Kim Jong Il has, because of all the cheese he eats. Also because he’s a dictator. If I was a dictator, you better believe I’d have the fancy bidet.

So back to it. Is it worth it to buy a bidet?

From a numbers standpoint, it’s a slam dunk to buy the cheap ones for $50-$100. You’ll get your money’s worth in a year or two, and there’s no fancy parts to break down. They should last a while. And if not? There are plenty of different brands to try.

Where it gets more tricky is the fancier ones. You’re looking at about a five year payoff for one of those. Normal toilet seats will last a lot longer than that, but a bidet has fancy working parts. I’m not sure about that one, at least from an investment perspective.

It’s time to enter the 21st century. Get yourself a smartphone, a flat screen TV, and go ahead and buy a bidet. Your ass deserves it, champ.

Tell everyone, yo!