If you still want to enter the 2015 version of the contest, send me an email or scroll up to the ‘contact me’ link on the toolbar. There’s still time. Open to anyone who wants in.

Back in January, I asked some of the finest personal finance and investing blogs (and Financial Uproar) to participate in a stock picking contest. The rules were simple — they’d send me 4 top stock picks and pictures of themselves attempting to ride large dogs like a horse.

I have very specific fetishes.

To tabulate the results I took the average of the return of the four stocks including dividends, but excluding any exchange rate fluctuations. If somebody’s stock got bought out during the year, they were locked into that return.

That was about it. How did they do? Did we all prove our worthiness by CRUSHING the market like a Bill Gates buyout offer? Or did we suck more than the average Yakezie blog’s Twitter feed? Are you tired of rhetorical questions yet?

Let’s do this thang.

1. Save. Spend. Splurge. (+37.3%)

The stock picking contest has its first lady winner! TAKE THAT, GLASS CEILING.

The baby mama (not my baby mama, a baby mama) was the only competitor to have all of her picks finish the year in positive territory. Starbucks was her worst performer, going up a mere 6.1%, while both BlackBerry and NXP Semiconductors were up more than 60%. It figures that somebody who wasn’t me got to finally get rewarded by that stupid company.

Congratulations on your victory. Here’s a bottle of water I only partially drank.

2. Financial Uproar (+20.5%)


Even though my picks got crushed by the champion, I’m still gonna brag up my 2nd place finish. Alcoa was my big winner, going up nearly 50%. Reitmans finished the year up 16%, thanks to an inexplicable rise in December. Career Education Corp was a decent enough wildcard, ending the year up 22%. Automodular was my dog, falling 6%. I was way too early on that name, but at least I bought in real life at $2.20 per share.

3. Vanessa’s Money (+14.2%)


If y’all remember, Vanessa just picked names that had ticker symbols which matched the initials of people she likes. Or, in my case, barely tolerates while looking for blunt objects. She did well with a company called Neenah Paper, while Mattel stunk up the joint. I blame Barbie. What a slut.

4. Avrex Money (+13.7%)


Andrew hasn’t updated his blog since March, but we won’t hold that against him. Sometimes, silence is a good thing.

I’ll continue talking though. He did well with a company called Myriad Genetics, which probably isn’t what I’d name my genetics company. But hey, what do I know? His stinker was Leucadia, which is sort of like a poor man’s Berkshire Hathaway. Apparently our pal Warren has a special cousin or something.

5. My Own Advisor (+10.8%)

I always make fun of Mark’s picks for being boring. And he always takes it in good fun because he is literally the nicest man on the entire planet. So I’ll try and be nicer about it. His picks aren’t boring. They’re, uh, steady. Yeah! That’s a good word.

(falls asleep)

Sorry. Definitely wasn’t bored, that’s for sure. Let’s see, Mark picked Dream Office REIT (yawn), Pembina Pipeline (bigger yawn), TD Bank (hoo boy), and Wells Fargo (never wakes up again). They all did okay, except for Dream which fell a little.

I think I need a new bed. Or maybe I have sleep apnea.

6. Don’t Quit Your Day Job (+8.3%)

You might remember me making fun of PK because he picked some weird exchange traded products. I’m not about to look up what they all mean again, but I’m just glad that he didn’t win. If he would have, I’d put a bigger asterisk next to his victory than a douchey internet comment about Barry Bonds.

It’s funny how the guy with the boring picks beat the guy with the crazy picks. There’s probably a life lesson in there that I missed as a 12-year old, mostly because I was too busy masturbating.

7. My University Money/Young and Thrifty/Financial Uproar (+5.2%)

Kyle is the owner of two websites (soon to be three, once I convince him to give me five figures for this steaming pile) and is a firm indexer. He bowed out of the 2015 edition of the contest because it would be an affront to his indexing ways. It’s like he’s the lamest born-again Christian ever.

But maybe he has a point. Only three of us beat the S&P 500 this year, and these are supposed to be our best picks. And with the exception of Vanessa’s Money (who’s just here to sexy the place up), we’re supposed to know a little something about this stuff. If that isn’t an argument for indexing, nothing is.

Geez, that was a bummer.

8. My Pennies My Thoughts (+4.8%)

Janine is freshly engaged, and apparently her beau is quite okay to overlook her lackluster stock picks. SOUNDS LIKE A DEAL BREAKER TO ME.

She did have the distinction of being the only competitor with one of her picks being taken over, when General Mills admitted its desperation for growth by taking out Annie’s Naturals. Her return on that? A whole 6.8%. She made up for it with Biadu, which I assume is the search engine the Chinese use to search for Asian porn. Or, as they call it, porn.

(Joke shamelessly stolen from here)

9. Holy Potato (-10.7%)

The saintly spud finished last year’s contest atop the standings, which apparently went all to his head. Ready to CRUSH us all, he then pulled four picks out of the worst part of his ass. Which is like the taint or something.

Canexus was a dog for him, falling some 48%. I’ve actually looked at that company, and while it’s super cheap, but I just can’t pull the trigger. It’s a bit of a tire fire. He also lost money on Atlantic Power, which might be the least powerful company in North America.

Get it? Because it’s a power company? They can’t all be great jokes.

10. Boomer and Echo (-15.6%)

Robb and his mommy (but mostly Robb) have the special distinction of picking two stocks that went down more than 40%, Teck Resources and Canadian Oil Sands. He also picked Agrium, because apparently he is all-in when it comes to the commodities. No word on whether he’s preparing for a collapse in fiat currency, but that does tend to come with the territory.

Stay tuned for Monday, when your eyeballs will ogle a fresh new bunch of picks. It’ll be more exciting than a weekend with Batman.

Tell everyone, yo!