None of these guys were single. Conclusion: chicks dig evil dudes.

None of these guys were single. Conclusion: chicks dig evil dudes.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, which is great news for those of us in a relationship. If you’re single, I recommend weeping alone and trying not to harm your genitals. Or going out with friends maybe.

But for the couples out there, it’s tough to figure out something fun to do that isn’t expensive or cliche. Luckily, the fine folks of this here blog have you covered. I’ve polled all one of our contributors to come up with a greatĀ list of cheap (and fun!) Valentine’s Day ideas.

1. Serenade her

I don’t care who you are. If you don’t like somebody showing up at your window and badly botching a love song from 20 years ago on a poorly constructed guitar, you are an ungrateful JERKFACE.

But what song? I have a few suggestions:

  • Anything by Limp Bizkit
  • F*ck The Police
  • Monster Mash
  • That Paris Hilton song
  • I Touch Myself
  • One of the Bob Marley songs about weed

One thing to remember: try and catch her when she launches herself from the balcony. Because she will, and not just to get away from your crapass singing either.

2. Subway

I don’t care if Subway isn’t “nice” enough for a Valentine’s Day date. Screw that. That place is swank. They have TWO different kinds of chicken, and all the avocado you could possibly eat. Your sweetie might deserve better, but it’s probably best to lower her expectations now.

Bonus: When eating, feel free to set the mood for later by asking her about putting another 6-inch in her mouth for dessert. šŸ˜‰

3. Free samples at Costco

You could buy your lady a whole buffet of gifts, but that’s probably going to be a little wasteful. She’s not going to be able to finish cake, chocolates, truffles, lobster, and steak by the time they all go bad. And if she can, chances are you probably shouldn’t give her all that food at once anyway.

But taking a nice trip to Costco gives you the benefit of having just a taste of all these wonderful things. Splitting an ice cream from the Costco “restaurant” is the perfect cap off to a nice frugal outing.

4. Amusement park

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GET ANY FOOD OR PLAY ANY GAMES OR HAVE ANY FUN AT ALL JUST DO ALL THE FREE STUFF AND THEN LEAVE.

5. A walk in the woods

Taking a stroll on the beach is so overrated. That’s where bugs and scantily clad old white guys hang out. Instead, take her to the woods. It’s quiet, shaded, and deforestation has killed off almost everything that poses the tiniest of threats to humans.

6. Go skiing the frugal way

Ski hills are a giant ripoff. First you have to drive to the mountain, and then you either have to rent gear or shell out for your own stuff. It could easily cost you tens of dollars.

Here’s what you do. Get yourself a couple of 2x4s from that house they’re tearing down in your neighborhood, and walk to the top of the local tobogganing hill. Tell the kids to scram and you and your date can use the wood to ski down the hill. It’s quite the challenge!

You can also snowboard using a piece of plywood and some asphalt singles for grip.

7. Make smoothies

Everyone likes smoothies, but who has whole dollars kicking around to buy fruit? Not this frugal leader, that’s for sure.

You need to think a little ahead on this one, but it’s worth it. In the summer, just take berries from gardens in the middle of the night. People with gardens deserve itĀ anyway, always rubbing it in your face. “Oh look, I have FRESH fruit. It tastes SOOOOO MUCH better than your grocery store genetically modified crap.” Just go to the grocery store dumpster after closing like the rest of us, you uppity bastard.

Or, you can forage for berries on your walk in the woods. Better yet, put some grass and dandelions in there. Gotta get your veggies in! And forget about making ice cubes, just add some freezer snow to thicken it up.

8. Rent a movie

Movies are great, but who wants to pay the OUTRAGEOUS fees charged by the Redbox Corporation or Netflix? For $7.99 per month, I could make dozens of smoothies with dirt and worms in them.

Instead, go on the Youtube with the internet connection you share with your neighbor. (I’m assuming you don’t have cable, because obvs.) There are hundreds of great movies from the 80s, 90s, and even the 2000s. They’re not in HD, but that’s okay since you’re watching them on a laptop from 2002.

9. The library

There’s nothing that gets my heart pumping harder than going to the library with my special someone. All those books! For free! I always check out as many as I can even though I have no interest in reading most of them. I cannot say no to a freebie. I’d get psychological help for this, but it’s not free. šŸ™

Sure, you COULD check out books on spicing things up in the bedroom, but let’s get real. Frugal leaders don’t waste money by having intercourse. Birth control costs money. Instead, get books out on how to fix home appliances. You’ll save thousands and stick it to BIG DISHWASHER in the process.

Just kidding. LikeĀ I’d recommend anyone own a dishwasher. They’re nothing but money pits.

10. Count your emergency fund

You do keep at least some of your emergency fund at home in cash right? GASP. What happens when there’s an actual emergency and you need cash?

“Like what? When has this ever happened?”

I can’t hear you, I’m hiding behind my mountain of canned goods. I really hope the apocalypse happens before 2017 or else I gotta get more corn.

11. Goodwill? More like GREATwill

Your special someone will definitely like a new sweater, shirt, or pair of jeans. But who wants to pay (gag) suggested retail price? Not this guy, that’s for sure.

I once found a dress shirt with the tags still on it for $10 at Value Village. Instead of just buying it and wearing it like a normal person, I feel the needĀ to tell everyone about it. Whenever I wear it, I stop random people and tell them the great deal I got. I also tell them about how I cut cable, because that’s what we do. It’s the same with Crossfit.

It’s the Valentine’s Day gift that keeps on giving, really. Don’t let your sweetie miss out on the pleasure of telling everyone that her new top was less than a large Starbucks latte.

12. Recycle some old furnitureĀ 

Every single day across North America, people are throwing out perfectly good couches, chairs, and tables with 3 legs. Talk about wasteful, am I right?

At a minimum, if you pick up once of these pieces you can get a nice piece for your basement apartment. If you’re really ambitious, why not start a business recycling this old stuff? An old table is worth nothing. But an old table with a couple of coats of varnish is automatically worth $500. That’s capitalism, friends!

Don’t worry about finding bedbugs in any of the fabric stuff. Just catch them and add them to your smoothie for a little extra protein.

13. Ruin the Tim Hortons pay it forward line

Every now and then, customers at Tim Hortons will insist on paying for the people behind them in line. Those people pay for the people behind them, and so on. Most people think this is a nice show of generosity, but fortunately you have me here to call it like it is. It’s like God wants you to have free coffee.

But don’t stop there. Why not pick up 40 Timbits, a half dozen breakfast sandwiches, 14 cans of coffee, and the whole month’s supply of hot chocolate? If the sucker in front of you paid, you can flip that stuff on Kijiji for PURE PROFIT BABY.

14. Do absolutely nothing

Staring into each other’s eyes might get boring after hour 4, but hey. At least it’s free.

Tell everyone, yo!