You guys know that I like to make fun of stupid people on here. I try to focus mainly on the financial decisions, but come the hell on. That kind of stupidity has a way of moving beyond the financial stuff, and into the most important parts of grey matter.

But I discovered an article earlier today that was so bad and so terrible in every way that I just had to drop everything and make fun of it. Yes, that even included my pants. TMI? TOO BAD I’M ON A ROLE NO STOPPING NOW.

It’s called The National Lust For Home Equity Lines of Credit: Should We Worry?, and it’s possibly the greatest thing I have ever read. I literally cannot wait to get started.

Murad Ali and Arsheen Haji live large thanks to easy access to their home equity lines of credit, joining the many Canadians succumbing to the same temptation.

Ah, yes. The ol’ ‘borrow to consume using your HELOC.’ We’ve seen this before, but certainly not to this extent, as you’ll see.

For the Toronto-area couple, it all started back in 2009 with a lavish $78,000 wedding.

Rather than spend $78,000 on a wedding, how about I do something else. Let’s have a blog party. I’ll go buy like $1500 in booze, some chips, and maybe rent a swanky hall for a couple g’s more. And then, I’ll go to the bank, get $75,000 in 20s, and slowly burn them while y’all watch and drink craft beer. Make sure to take lots of selfies, because obvs.

I’m accomplishing the same thing, really.

Then came numerous overseas vacations.

Check off another box in the “crap millenials waste cash on checklist.”

When touring Egypt, Ali bought four souvenir papyrus scrolls for $6,000. In Italy, Haji picked up a $7,000 Chanel bag.

Why buy one, when you can buy four, amirite Ali? When it comes to spending money, that man is not here to screw around. And apparently he’s taught his lady well too.

After the birth of their daughter, the couple moved into a newly built home and spent more than $100,000 on upgrades, including a custom kitchen, hardwood floors and a high-tech fireplace.

What kind of people move into a “newly built” home and say “you know what? This place is GARBAGE. Let’s get our guys in here and spend another six figures on this dump?”

So how exactly did these guys afford all this stuff, anyway? Are they independently wealthy? Inheritance from a long-lost uncle? Did they win the lottery?

Nah.

The wedding, trips and high-end purchases were made possible with cash from two home equity lines of credit secured against a couple of investment condos the family owns. The debt from those loans now totals $370,000.

JESUS H CHRIST WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HELL?

Can somebody please tell me this is a parody piece before I have a stroke? Please? I’m actually begging you right now. I don’t want to die.

They also recently got an unsecured $30,000 line of credit to buy solar panels for their new house.

OF FUCKING COURSE THEY DID.

“Hey, we’re, like, at least 400 g’s in the hole. You wanna get solar panels? It’ll save us pennies per year.”

(Doesn’t respond, too busy masturbating over her Chanel bag)

“We are addicted for sure. Who wouldn’t be addicted to something so easy [to get]?” says 35-year-old Ali about the free-flowing lines of credit that have enabled him to splurge on the finer things in life.

Does Ali realize these loans have to be paid back? Because I’m not sure he does.

“It’s easy, accessible cash at a very cheap price. The banks make it so easy for you to obtain it,” says the software engineer.

Not mentioned: the part where he went down to the bank and was told to sign on the dotted line or else they’d blow his brains out.

Wait. I’m being told that didn’t actually happen.

 

Ali is now considering borrowing more money against the equity in his new home.

WHERE’S A GUN? TELL ME WHERE I CAN GET A GUN BECAUSE I SWEAR TO GOD I NEED TO GO SHOOT SOMETHING.

He admits he’s antsy about adding to his debt when the family already has a substantial mortgage on their 5,000-square-foot house.

A 5,000 square-foot house for three people, by the way. That’s a lot of space for the couple’s baby to crawl around. Hell, maybe that’s the whole plan. Just let the baby get lost somewhere so it doesn’t get burdened with all that debt.

But the place is still largely unfurnished and he’s yearning to install a $40,000 glass railing for the staircase.

If only there was a way to have avoided buying a house that was so big that you didn’t have enough furniture for it BEFORE YOU BOUGHT THE GODDAMN THING.

Here’s a list of things I would spend $40,000 on before I used it for a glass railing for my stairs:

1. Anything

“Without the glass railing, the look of my stairs is not doing it justice,” he says.

There’s your problem right there. Shitty stairs. The rest of your life is peachy keen.

Right now, the couple could probably afford the extra loan payment. Currently, both he and Haji, a business analyst, can cover the bills and still have money left over for savings.

This might be the greatest sentence I’ve ever read. Sure, they’re going backwards each month, but they’re putting money away, dammit! Doesn’t that count for anything, HATERS?

Props to Haji though, for getting people to pay her to analyze their business while clearly having the math skills of a nine-year old. I honestly wish I was confident enough in my own abilities to pull off something like that.

 

While Ali and Haji like to spend, they believe they’re behaving responsibly and say they’re aware of potential pitfalls. That’s why they’re still undecided about another loan.

 

 

“Hey, we’re prudent. We’re going to wait a couple of weeks before spending on our next bullshit material thing we don’t need. Responsibility is hard work.”

If you get a line on this [house] and God forbid something happens to me or [my wife] and we are unable to sustain our lifestyle or stream of income that we have, then we would be in trouble and that may lead to us losing this house,” says Ali.

It “may” lead to them losing the home. Wow.

Ali, buddy, lean in close. I have a secret to tell you.

If anything happens to you or Mrs. Ali, you’re fucked. So unbelievably fucked.

And that’s why some rooms in the family’s home remain empty.

SUCH SACRIFICE. WHERE’S DEAD GHANDI I’M GONNA CALL HIM AND LET HIM KNOW ABOUT THE SACRIFICE.

Ali shows CBC News his large, mostly barren master bedroom and talks about his grand plans to furnish it — sometime in the future.

“Without the credit line, it’s slow,” he laments.

Even starving children think Ali is in a pretty tough spot. “Here” said Timmy, aged 4, with no hands or feet. “Have my last dollar. I was saving it for prosthetics, but I want you to have it instead.”

But things could always change. The couple says just last week the bank called, inquiring if the family was interested in another loan.

But I thought Canada didn’t have irresponsible bankers?

Tell everyone, yo!