Last week, I treated y’all to an interview with one of the most polarizing figures in the finance community, Kevin O’Leary. And before that, I interviewed the most legendary investor of all time, Warren Buffett. Continuing the interview series is Donald Trump, infamous real estate developer, star of The Apprentice on NBC, and current Republican presidential candidate.

donald-trumpNelson: Donald, thanks for taking the time today. How’s life on the campaign trail?

Donald:┬áNelson, do you know how exhausting it is to blame the Mexicans for absolutely everything? It’s so tiring it’s almost like I know what it’s like to be an undocumented worker hanging out in a Home Depot parking lot. I’m very much documented, thank you very much. But still, it makes me 0.00000003% more sympathetic to their plight.

(Donald starts looking around, focusing on the area behind me)

N: Umm… what are you looking for?

D: Are there any Mexicans back there? Because if there are, I swear to God…

N: Nah. Just a French-Canadian girl.

D: Better kick her out of the country too. Just to be safe.

N: I spent a little time on your website, and I’m not seeing much in the way of details about your policies. Could you explain a little more about what exactly you plan to do if you’re elected.

D: Well Nelson, it’s simple. America has lost its way. Obama has literally ran this country into the ground. Did you know that we’re losing people to CANADA for God’s sake? In Canada, you have to wait 5 years to see a doctor. In Canada, 96% of the population is on welfare. In Canada, you don’t even get to exercise your GOD GIVEN right to wave your gun in the face of anyone that pisses you off. If Obama has his way, America will turn into Canada. I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN.

N: I don’t think you’ve done your research on Canada. It’s really a nice place.

D: Research? RESEARCH!? I don’t need no goddamn research. You bookworm nerd people can say whatever you want, but I don’t need books and figures to make decisions. I trust what’s in my guts, dammit! My spleen can make better decisions than a dozen eggheads looking at all the facts and figures they want. And you know what?┬áMy spleen is telling me that living in Canada is like simultaneously getting punched in the face and the balls.

N: So, are you going to tell us what you’d do as president, or not?

D: Simple. Whatever Canada does, we’ll do the opposite.

N: Fair enough. Let’s talk a little more about your real estate career. Want to talk about how your companies have gone bankrupt several times?

D: Sure, I’ll talk about it. Nelson, here’s the deal. I was an aggressive real estate developer. Why wouldn’t I be? I went bankrupt and then started back up again pretty much the next day, all without losing very much personally, since I’ve diversified away from owning 100% of my own companies. Why would I be conservative? That’s like telling a lion not to KILL, EVEN THOUGH IT LOVES TO KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL I’M GONNA LITERALLY KILL HILARY I SWEAR TO GOD.

N: Yikes. Better not let the Secret Service hear that.

D: Hear what?

N: Exactly

D: Nelson, we have to talk about something. I understand you have a bit of an infatuation with my daughter, Ivanka.

N: What? Oh, geez. Uh, I just find her attractive, that’s all.

D: Stay away from my daughter. Just because she dated Topher Grace doesn’t mean she’ll just date *anyone* you sick monster.

N: Wait. Topher Grace dated your daughter? I’m impressed

D: It ended when she beat him in an arm wrestling match.

N: Did he cry after?

D: We both know the answer to that

N: How did that go when she brought him home to meet you?

D: You know how you haven’t seen Topher Grace in anything since 2008? That’s because I broke his spirit.

N: Hey Donald, we’re almost out of time, I was just wondering if you’d say it for me.

D: Say what?

N: You know…

D: No, I don’t.

N: Oh come on. It’s the phrase you’re known for.

D: You mean “make America great again?”

N: No, that’s not it. You’d say it at the end of each episode.

D: Oh! No, I can’t.

N: Come on! It’s only two words. Just say it.

D: I-


D: Fine, I’ll say it. Nelson?

N: Yes?

D: Fuck you.


Tell everyone, yo!