This does not seem like a smart way to ski.

This does not seem like a smart way to ski.

I’m guessing you’re here because you want to get richer. It’s either that or you’re hate reading me, which doesn’t seem like a valuable use of your time. And really, you should calm down. Have you tried touching yourself?

There are many ways you can get rich, most of which I outlined in this gigantically long post about getting to $10 million. You’ll need to make a lot of money and not spend a whole lot of it, leaving plenty of capital to invest. You’ll need to have a spouse who’s on the same page, or else he’s going to blow all your hard earned money on stickers, or whatever it is you people are buying these days. You’ll also need to invest well, hopefully beating the market. This involves a little more thought that just sticking your cash in index funds.

That’s all fine and good, but there’s one more thing you should be doing if you’re serious about getting rich. This isn’t necessary, since there are people who do manage to get rich even after doing this. Hell, I know people who have done well financially even after doing this three, four, or even five times. It’s not a direct relationship between doing this thing and getting wealthy, but there’s certainly some causation there.

Enough teasing. Here’s what I need you to do.

Don’t have kids.

Look, I know you love your kids, and even your friend’s kids, but come on. If you’re serious about building wealth, kids are not a help. Hell, they’re a pretty big handicap towards making it towards the finish line.

Really think about how much these feces factories cost. First you have to buy a changing table, stroller, car seat, 59,305 diapers (HOW ABOUT YOU STOP SHITTING YOURSELF, JIMMY?), and 87 different little cute outfits the kid will wear once before you sell it on Kijiji for pennies on the dollar.

Then you have to pay someone to take care of this kid for years before he goes to school, and then maybe for years afterwards. You also need a bigger car to haul his sorry ass everywhere, a bigger house so he’ll have his own private place to defile himself once he hits puberty, and then you have to save up for college, praying to God that your kid doesn’t flunk out.

These are all things that hamper your ability to get rich.

Yeah, I know. Your little angel is worth more than money, even after he threw everything onto the floor and took his pants off for shits and giggles. (This actually happened with a toddler I know recently. Can’t say I blame the kid, strategic nudity is funny) Hey, whatever you’ve got to tell yourself to end up not crying on that giant pile of $50 bills you’ve now lost because you spent them on some snot-nosed uterus bomb.

If you don’t have kids it’s selfish. Yes, that’s true. You know what else is selfish? Actually planning on getting rich. Why bother getting rich? Why bother saving at all? It’s selfish to end up with more than you need in the first place. If everyone reading this was truly selfless, they’d live on lentils, rice, and day-old bread and donate the rest of their paycheque to orphans without hands and feet.

But we don’t. Why? Because we’re okay with being selfish — at least a certain amount. Getting rich is an acceptable amount of selfish. Going out for fancy coffees and $100 meals is perfectly fine too. Hell, going to university to study basket weaving is apparently okay too, because we’re all about maximizing our enjoyment on earth. Screw the consequences! I’m learning.

And yet, there’s a certain subsection of the population that thinks it’s not okay to make the conscious decision to not infest the world with more crotch parasites. Their logic is can be summed up as “hey, somebody pushed you out and raised you. The least you could do is do the same for another little person.”

I can understand that. I’ll even admit that it makes a certain amount of sense. But we’re not talking emotions here, we’re talking cold, hard, cash. And the fact is, if you don’t have kids, you’ll end up a whole lot richer. You might argue that you’ll end up less fulfilled, but nobody can argue the money aspect of it.

I realize I’m not going to dissuade anyone from having their own miniature versions of themselves. Just remember that doing so makes it a hell of a lot harder to get ahead. It’s the financial equivalent of swimming with an anchor around your neck. We tell everyone to ditch the other weights keeping them down, so why not kids?

Tell everyone, yo!