It’s part two of the retirement series here at the Financial Uproar blogenin, looking at places to retire in the United States. Part one took a look at the best places to retire in Canada. Part three, coming next week, will look at the best locations around the world to wrap up living. 

Because sometimes, even Canadians gotta retire in the United States. TAKE IT TOBY KEITH BROOKS AND DUN.

Oh, don’t act so shocked country fans. Like Toby Keith and these guys aren’t all the same person. It’s the ultimate long con.

Like with the retiring in Canada post, let’s take a look at some places in the U.S. which might be nice for a Canadian to call home when finally eschewing work for good. We have to factor in things like the cost of real estate, the overall cost of living, access to medical facilities, climate, availability of airports, taxes, and so on.

Many Canadians don’t actually retire in the states. They split their time between Canada in the spring, summer, and early fall, while spending winter somewhere much warmer. As long as they don’t approach 180 days in the States, it’s fine from an immigration point of view. You’d just be a visitor. So we won’t spend a lot of time talking about potential retirement destinations in Duluth, Minnesota, even if the price of housing is reasonable and the people are as non-threatening as vanilla flavored ice cream.

We’ll start things off with a couple destinations in the western part of the U.S., and then follow it up with locations a little more east. After that you’ll go home and this will be over. Oh, you’re already home. WELL SCREW YOU THEN.

Western U.S.

Las Vegas

Ah, the Sin City. The place where the things you do won’t follow you home. Except syphilis. That shit will follow you everywhere.

There are a number of reasons why retiring in Las Vegas is a good idea. You can rent a decent place for $1,000 (all figures USD, because obvs) or buy one for $150,000. It has a busy airport with flights all over the place. Pretty much everything you could ever want for medical care is around. And if you get bored, locals casinos have decent food and gambling specials. Or you can go to the Strip and meet all sorts of different people.

Las Vegas is basically a sauna in the summer but it is quite reasonable between November and February. It might snow once every couple years and dip below freezing once a year, but come on man. You’re Canadian. It’s time to buck up.

Las Vegas does have a sales tax of 8.1%, which is a bit on the high side. It also has a tax of 12% on hotel rooms, so make sure your retirement plans involve getting an actual house or apartment. But the state also has no state income tax, which is nice for residents. As a part-time resident it won’t be much help to you though. Sucker.

Galveston

Galveston, Texas, is just down the road from Houston. The medium-sized city itself is home to about 50,000 people, with another 200,000 living close by. Where Galveston begins and Houston suburbs end is sort of up in the air. Kind of like my sexuality. I’ve said too much.

Galveston has a lot going for it. Its proximity to Houston means access to airports, medical facilities, and anything your old ass might desire. Galveston’s climate is a bit cooler than Houston’s because of its proximity to the water, and plenty of folks from Texas end up retiring there as well. So you’ll have lots of company when you tell the teens to get off your lawn.

House prices are reasonable, with the average being around $180,000. Galveston is less exposed to oil than many other cities in Texas, with tourism, shipping, and health care as the main industries. And if you don’t want to go to Houston for a check-up, Galveston has a medical college with more than 2,500 students. I’m sure at least one of them can identify that strange growth on your junk.

Texas does have a pretty high sales tax, coming in at more than 8%. Property taxes are high as well. Oh, and there is the risk of hurricanes. But other than that, it seems like a decent place in the United States to retire.

Eastern U.S.

Augusta, Georgia

TIGER WOODS SIGHTING? PROBABLY.

You probably don’t know a damn thing about Augusta, Georgia except the annual golf tournament that gets played there. But in reality, it’s a nice medium-sized city with affordable living, good health facilities, and all sorts of neat historical buildings.

It’s downright cheap to live in Augusta. The average house price is just $115,400, and you can easily rent a decent place for $700 per month. It has a diverse economy, with medicine, higher education, and the military being the biggest employers in the area. And if you buy a house, you’ll be able to make bank renting it out for that first week in April.

Of issue is the climate. It regularly dips below freezing in December and January, but usually warms up to well above zero. The airport isn’t huge either, so you’ll be stuck connecting in somewhere like Charlotte if you want to go anywhere. And the sales tax of 8% is a little excessive.

Mobile, Alabama

You might be saying to yourself “Nelson, why isn’t Florida on this list? It’s pretty much retirement central.” Two reasons, mainly. One, it’s getting to be expensive. Unless you’re willing to live in parts of the state nobody really likes, you’re paying a lot. And secondly, they change an assload for property taxes for non-residents. Screw that noise.

Instead, go look at Mobile, Alabama. House prices are super cheap, with an average of just less than $120,000. Property taxes are affordable too, with an average house costing about $80 in property taxes per month. The climate is good, the airport has plenty of flights to hubs like Houston and Atlanta, and hey, you’re right on the water. Enjoy falling asleep on a beach chair old man.

Like with Augusta, Mobile has plenty of history. It also has way more culture that what you’d expect from a medium-sized city in Alabama. There are four major medical centers in the city limits, which is good news for those of us who fall down a lot. The overall economy isn’t particularly strong, but has come a long way from the slow decline of the 1960s through 1980s.

The biggest reason not to retire in Mobile is the sales tax. Alabama itself only charges a 4% tax. Mobile County charges 1.5% and Mobile charges 4.5%. Maybe you’ll want to retire somewhere around Mobile to avoid those taxes.

Oh, and imagine if you lived in a mobile home in Mobile. You’d spend your whole retirement chuckling.

And that’s about it. Anyone else have ideas of places to retire in the U.S.A.? Comment away, yo.

Tell everyone, yo!