Well kids, it’s that time of year again. While you were out enjoying the spring sunshine and giving your pasty white legs their first glimpse of sunshine since October, the tax man has been scheming. Those rat bastards. 

Fortunately, us here at Financial Uproar can help. Collectively, we’ve filed our taxes on time exactly 46% of the time. Sure, we owe $59,839 in back taxes, but we’ll totally pay that off soon, we promise. They actually threatened to open debtor’s prison back up just to throw our sorry asses in there. So, yeah, we know a thing or two about the taxes — at least about what not to do. Hey, it works for the rest of the debt-ridden world of personal finance.

The good news is your taxes aren’t due until Monday, and that’s only if you’re not getting a refund. If the government owes you money, they don’t really give a crap. Wait until 2020 for all they care, Trudeau is just going to use your refund to buy 14 more mirrors so he can look at his beautiful reflection all day long. GOD I HATE HOW HANDSOME HE IS.

Anyhoo, I’m here to help. Here’s your last minute tax guide.

1. Everybody will tell you not to panic. This is a lie. You must panic and panic hard. You will be most productive when covered in panic sweat.

2. First thing you have to do is round up all your paperwork for the year. If you’re anything like me, it will be in 14 different email and physical folders. Hitting your laptop won’t help, but feel free to slap that thing like it’s a misbehaving child. You’ll feel better anyway.

3. Once you think you have all your paperwork together, take a minute and sigh in relief. Enjoy that feeling, because it’ll be gone soon. Oh, and you totally forgot four of the most important papers, which you stashed in special spots so you could find them easier come tax time. Nice work, moron. Go ahead and slap something alive this time.

4. You’ve found all your paperwork? Good. It’s now time to wander down to the ol’ Walmart and pick up a copy of Turbotax. You could do it for free at Simple Tax, but like hell you’re going to remember that.

5. Work your way through Turbotax, taking far more than the maximum deductions allowable. Turbotax will warn you when you’re being too aggressive, but feel free to STICK IT TO THE MAN by ignoring all of its advice.

6. Remember, the following things are tax deducable for your 2015 taxes:
a) Kids physical activities
b) Transit passes
c) Certain electric or hybrid cars
d) Any work related event more than 100km from your home
e) R. Kelly concert tickets
f) Hookers, but not blow
g) Ah, screw it. Write the blow off too
h) Stickers and temporary tattoos
i) Skydiving (it’s a team building exercise)
j) Hair gel (Justin Trudeau only)

6. Once you fill in all the information in Turbotax, hit submit. Rub your hands together in glee while waiting. Go ahead and fantasize about what you’ll buy with your refund. It’s two chicks at the same time, isn’t it?

7. Whoops! Turns out you owe $3,594. Swear at the computer 14 times and then start over.

8. Redo your taxes, cursing your fat fingers the whole time. Your pets leave the room, knowing that they are about to get smacked and smacked good.

9. Finally, a refund. Congratulations on giving the government an interest free loan, sucker. Although interest rates are at 0.0000084% these days, so it didn’t cost you much. Still, you’re a PF nerd, so lament the lost of those cents you could have gotten in your high-interest savings account. LAMENT THOSE CENTS.

10. Realize today is only Thursday, and you actually had the whole weekend to do your taxes.

Happy tax day kids!

 

Tell everyone, yo!